I am here to convince everyone that Dire is hot because no one believes me
Occasionally 18+ and simping hard for a 100yo fuddy-duddy, be warned!
Requests: OPEN
Under the cut for length, but please read the rest before proceeding!
❧ GENERAL
✥ Call me: Dove, or any wacky nickname you can derive from it (Dovie, Dodo, E, etc.) Not my real name or anything, but I like to keep my brand consistent!
✥ AGE: I’m 20!! Please, if you’re underage move along, I simp like an adult and no kid should be around to see it okay?
✥ Treat me: Nicely, please! I’m goofy and thirsty but also wary of big fandoms! If you could please not be too overfamiliar right away or call me cruel names (I know most everyone is joking but my feelings don’t!), I would appreciate it! I don’t mind joking around, as long as it’s kept light and fun!
✥ Thing to note: I’m black, so if I start speaking/typing a certain way it’s because simping makes me so feral my slang bleeds through! Sorry if I sound weird sometimes OTL
✥ And most importantly! Please, please, please, if you have a problem with my headcanons or writing just block me! I never intend to offend or force anyone a certain way! In fact, I would be thrilled if people started writing for the characters I like from different perspectives with different personalities than my own view! It means more content for me! I’m here for a good time and I can fully admit I am biased and projecting my tastes onto some characters because they have so much unknown about them to play with! Even my detailed rambles are all opinions and grasping at straws to justify my thirst okay?
❧ WHAT I WRITE
✥ I write for Dire + NRC staff!! Nothing against our main boys, I adore them, but there are so many blogs for them already, I want to make a space where Dire the staff gets to shine! So unless it is in relation to the staff (ex: Ruggie pulls a prank on Divus, how does he react?) the main boys won’t be making many appearances on this blog! //I’m sorry Leona I still love you
✥ I’m not into character x character ships on here! Valid and fun as they are, I get a lot more out of projecting myself being with my faves than reading them with someone I can’t insert myself in as, y’know? So second-person POV and “He says your name” for the win!
✥ My default for my personal writing is she/her because those are my pronouns and my personal writing is made with me in mind! But more importantly, writing longer things using they/them is hard for me, I lose track of who I’m referring to and can end up writing a jumbled mess, it makes me angry with myself and frustrates me. I never want my fun hobby to stress me out or make me feel stupid, so when it’s a personal piece I use my own pronouns!
✥ However, if I were to take requests or write something specific for readers in general, I would use they/them pronouns as best as I could! These are short and more easy to manage, so it’s less likely I’ll mess up!
I hope none of that seems unreasonable!
Thank you for being kind enough to read my rules! I hope my blog is enjoyable to you!
Hello!!! May I request Staff x Reader scenarios or headcanons whichever you feel like doing where the reader gets very flustered and bashful at flirtation and compliments towards them? 👉👈😚
You bet! Thanks for my first ask! <333
This is pretty long since it includes everyone, so most of it is under the cut! Let’s see how I do, hehe
Dire Crowley
- He gets a major ego boost out of it, your blush can only mean that his charm is still as all-encompassing as it was in his youth!
- He's going to act (very poorly) like he's apologetic about making you shy, but his apology is buried under him having a big head about it
-"Ah, am I too bold for you? I can't help that I am not only kind, but also debonair! It is a curse!"
- Also just because he apologizes for being bold doesn't mean he's going to stop! Now that he knows how much he effects you he's going to flirt with you at every chance and revel in the flush on your face
- "How cute, I've once again put you under my spell! Will you ever recover?"
- You can say goodbye to the days you could walk freely on campus, because now you never know when Dire is going to catch sight of you and yell out some super specific compliment at you even as you try to run
- No seriously, he pops out when you least expect him with the cheesiest lines on the tip of his tongue, if you weren't so busy being embarrassed for yourself you'd be embarrassed for him
- But it's okay, everyone else side eyes him for you, because it's actually painful how proud Dire is of himself whenever you can't meet his eyes
- The man is on cloud nine having an adorable being like you at his whim alright, you really need to understand how big his chest is puffed up because of you
- If you actually asked him to stop, let's be honest, he wouldn't listen at first. Dire is someone who needs it drilled into his head to get the picture and just one scolding isn't enough for him to give up his new favorite pass time
- If you truly mean it, he'll sulk about it and lament the loss of your rosy cheeks dramatically, but he'll back off if you don't budge
Divus Crewel
- Not surprised in the slightest, but highly amused.
- "Precious." Is his first thought, seeing you wring your hands in front of yourself
- Well, of course you're flustered by him, he flusters everyone. However, if it's you, he's less bored and much more playful
- Since he's always making some innuendo or being flirty already, he makes it a point to turn it up to 11 when he's with you. He wants you to know you're special
- "If I lined up every precious puppy in the world, you'd still win best on show."
- He's more sincere with his compliments, and purposely dotes on you more than anyone else so you get the hint he likes your flushing face better than all the others he's seen
- And poor you, Divus is trying to make his intentions known but for you he's just turning up the heat until you can barely speak to him
- At least before you could calm yourself down by saying "He's like that with everyone" but then he goes and says things to you that he most definitely doesn't say to everyone!
- If you tell him off, he will obey. It is never his intention to cause you discomfort, and if his advances aren't returned he's not the type to pursue someone unwilling. That's just plain uncouth.
- If you make your stance clear Divus will go in the opposite direction, making a point to be professional and polite with you to avoid coming off as disrespectful of your rejection.
Sam
- He stops in his tracks and stares. Wait, hold on, you're flustered? By him? Surely you've got the suitors lining up where you're from, right?
- "You're flustered over little ol' me? Well now I'm embarrassed, having flattered a an evening star like you!"
- If you attempt to deflect or downplay yourself, Sam's not having any of it. In fact, now he's just offended because you're trying to convince him he's blind and you aren't the prettiest thing to walk the earth
- Sam is definitely the type to call out your shyness, not to be mean, but to give you some confidence!
- Because, seriously, you're flustered? You should be getting bigger and better compliments than his left and right! Why, have you seen yourself?
- It's too late to try and hide your face from him, no no no, Sam is going to remedy this right now!
- Sam is the best at showing off the good qualities of his products, he could sell a bottle of water to an ocean if he wanted, and now he's putting all that energy into convincing you you're the cat's meow!
- "Look at those eyes, that smile, that sweet demeanor! You can't find that just anywhere, I'll tell you what folks!"
- Every time you buy something now, it comes with a compliment and if you try to reject it he's going on another spiel about your beauty until you get it through your head that you're a dime
- Unlike the others, he is directly against stopping his campaign. He wants you to be confident and sure of yourself, so he's less likely to back off
- He probably wouldn't stop until he got some sort of sign he got through to you, like asking you call yourself gorgeous and tell him your good qualities. If you can manage that, it'll satisfy him enough to stop waxing poetic about you. For now
Ashton Vargas
- He won't ever admit it, but he was shocked. Ashton's a confident guy, but he knows he doesn't have a good track record when it comes to romance.
- He hides it under his bravado, but he's over the moon that you're so receptive to his compliments
- "Oh, you embarrassed? Yeah, I have that effect on people!"
- Inside he's squealing at the idea of you thinking he's worth blushing over
- You being shy over him complimenting you gives Ashton confidence to woo you in other areas, if you like his flirting then you'll totally like his flexing and showing off too, right?
- He acts like a whole fool whenever you're around, he's like a schoolboy shouting "Look at me!!" the moment he sees you
- He could be eating lunch one minute, then you come in and suddenly he's decided to bench press the table. Oh no, you just thought you saw him drinking from his water bottle, he was actually pouring it over his face and shoulders because he's just so hot from his work out!
- He doesn't care who's around, which makes you even more embarrassed because everyone looks at you two and now everyone is looking to see your reaction
- Everyone is sick of him and wondering why you put up with his shenanigans, honestly.
- If it gets too much for you, Ashton will probably take it harder than others. Ah, so it was too good to be true after all, huh?
- He won't let it show to you though, he'll laugh it off and treat you just as well as he treats everyone else. He's past his teenage days of anger at rejection, he's a big boy now.
Mozus Trein
- What do you mean, you're embarrassed? He's mortified!
- He sees your blush and thinks he majorly overstepped, and quickly tries to reassure you that he didn't mean to be so forward
- "M-My dear, I assure you I meant no disrespect! I am not that kind of man, truly!"
- Which in turn makes you want to assure it not his fault at all and you fluster too easily, and now both of you are apologizing in circles
- From that moment on, Mozus basically flees every time you're in the vicinity, he's tarnished your image of him and he can never show his face again
- Don't be fooled, he wishes he still had that bold streak he used to. He could have gone about things much differently and really swept you off your feet!
- But his delivery was all off and he's too old for all this now, he could never charm someone as lovely as you with how rusty he is at romance
- Eventually he'll get over his shame and talk to you as though it never happened, do not bring it up he will cry, but he chooses his words much more carefully from now on to avoid further embarrassment
- He does try to compliment you after regaining his courage, if only to prove to you that he's not always that awkward, but it's always aborted and you never get the chance to flush over it
- You won't have to worry about teasing with Mozus, you'll just have to worry about the fact that one of you shy fawns is going to have to make the first move at some point and neither of you are keen on the idea
Tentatively opening a few asks, just to try things out! Please read these rules before requesting anything!
-Only accepting headcanon requests as of now, since they’re an easy way to get good at writing for others!
-Please remember this is an NRC staff blog, so any requests sent should focus on staff! The main boys can be included in passing (ex: A student gives a staff member a gift, how do they react?) but they aren't the ones I'm writing for here!
-Since staff are the main focus, the character limit is 5 (so you can have all the staff in one request)! You can still requests things for individual staff members though!
-Please do not request any underaged/students readers x the staff, it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I don't want to write it. Not including any age indicators in your requests is a better way to keep from breaking this rule! And of course not having your request imply that Reader is a student.
-Other uncomfortable topics for me are: Inc*st/P*do/Noncon/etc. I reserve the right to ignore asks that make me uncomfortable, I hope you understand!
-All requests must be character x reader! No OCs or ships between canon characters (This blog is a reader insert blog after all!).
-Reader inserts will be kept vague in physical appearance, and attaching a detailed personality to them isn't allowed either (vague attributes yes, but too much is just an OC without a physical description I'm afraid!)
-You can ask for specific pronouns if you’d like, but I try my best not to use any pronouns in sentences if I can help it so that anyone can presume whatever pronouns they’d like!
-Hard NSFW isn’t allowed yet, since I’m no good at writing it at all! Spice is okay though, it just won’t be very detailed!
-I can’t write yanderes that well and they aren’t my biggest cup of tea, so I’ll hold off accepting request for them! Sorry!
I think that’s everything! I hope these are reasonable <333 Since this blog is still new and tiny I’m confident I won’t be overwhelmed at all, so hopefully anyone who requests something will get a reply if they follow the rules!
My first time attempting to write anything longer than headcanons, please note I’m going off of this AU! I’m in love with Crowley so I see this as an x reader story, but it can easily be interpreted as something else!
Warnings: Very Mild cursing, Crowley being scary (as in, threatening and a hand squeezing a throat), Me grasping at straws to make Potentially Evil!Dire make sense! Gender Neutral Reader as well!
You wondered about Dire Crowley more than you would like to admit. He was an enigma that your brain for some reason was terribly invested in solving. It started small, maybe because you were holding back your suspicion out of guilt, the man had given you a roof over your head and food to eat in this strange new world, surely he deserved better than you concocting conspiracy theories about him? But gratitude should not inspire stupidity in someone, and it didn't inspire in you.
Why exactly was he being so gracious? For all the pretty words he spoke to you, he certainly didn't act guilty. Every sympathy he offered to your plight felt like it was meant to silence you, "Shush, no more of that." he seemed to whisper between the lines. Yes, it was all too bad you were stuck in a world not your own and that poor, poor Crowley was working himself to the bone to find a way back for you to no avail, but what would you have him do? He's already being so kind.
And that was another thing, wasn't it? He wasn't all that kind at all, or if he was it was only in a backhanded way. Wasn't he just the sweetest thing alive for giving you a place to stay? As if you weren't breaking your damn back every single night sleeping on the couch of the teacher's lounge and waking to the racket of your dearest headmaster starting up that monstrous coffee maker at the crack of dawn each morning! Well, what about the food you were provided every single meal time? Quite generous, he'd say. And you would beg to differ because you had a diet of convenience store sandwiches and children's snacks and sodas! Everything you ate was from Sam's shop and didn't cost that old crow a dime!
And maybe, just maybe, you would have been more understanding and grateful for it given your circumstances, if Dire Crowley wasn't absolutely loaded. He could easily afford to buy you actual meals, put you up some place that wasn't a glorified common room, pay you! But for all his guilt and graciousness, he didn't. It felt like he was trying to trick into being grateful to him when he hadn't actually done anything for you to be grateful for, in the grand scheme of things.
But that's not all. If that had been it then you could have convinced yourself you were being dramatic and gone on with your topsy turvy little life. But no, Dire Crowley simply would not let you rest (on a proper bed or otherwise).
Why did he act like that? You were not someone to turn your nose up at an odd personality, considering how well you were handling being in a potential alternate universe, one might say you have one yourself. But there was just something... off about him. He always seemed a bit too happy, he laughed just a tad too hard, his stares were too intense, he went silent after whatever spiel he'd been on so quick you'd think he had a switch inside him. Alone, those were just the quirks of being human (though you didn't even know enough to call him that either), but they stacked up quickly.
And you had really fought with yourself on this, worried you were being prejudice against him out of paranoia, but then you saw him get angry.
Everyone gets angry, everyone yells sometimes, it's a fact of life and you're an adult who can accept that. But seeing the headmaster shift from harmless eccentric man to inflicting backbreaking labor on teenagers who didn't get to explain themselves at all was rather... jarring to say the least. He yelled in his oddly charming accent and his mask hid whatever anger would have shown on his face, and maybe you were being overprotective of the young ones and forgetting that that type of punishment was far more manageable in a world of magic. But you couldn't shake the feeling that he was holding back, like he was seconds away from sounding like a different person beneath the quirky act. Like a parent putting on a goofy voice to scold their child to keep themselves from letting their frustration show.
But, and maybe you're just dense from here on, all that did was make you squint a little. There was just as much of a chance of him putting up a front as there was of you misunderstanding things and reaching too far. But the seed had been planted, and now you were curious.
So, instead of coming up with crazy ideas you had no backing for, you thought: "Let's just ask."
Not Dire, of course, as if he would tell you the truth or appreciate you prodding him. Thankfully though, there were people close to him that you could interrogate instead.
And then you started hitting walls, thick ones.
"What's Dire's deal?" Seemed like a pretty clear question, so why was every single answer you got so convoluted?
Sam had tried to act unbothered, but you saw how his hand froze as he stocked the shelves of the Mystery Shop. He looked at you with his bright smile and waved his free had dismissively.
"He's something alright, I'll give him that! He's an odd one, I guess you could say! What's with the interest, Starlight?" He answered, though a question for a question hardly satisfied you.
Crewel had outright ignored you, even after you had repeated your question several times he kept maneuvering around you and acting like he was busy. He absolutely wasn't, he had moved the same four beakers back and forth between lab tables three times. Once he realized you weren't going to take his hint and scram, he looked down his nose at you as if you had ruined his entire week.
"You know, puppies that never stop yapping are troublesome. But do you know what's even more troublesome, Little Scamp? Puppies that sniff around where they don't belong. You'd do well to train yourself out of that habit, and quickly." He'd told you coldly, which shocked you into a stupor because you had thought him overzealous but friendly just moments before.
You had hoped Trein, with his unflappability and no nonsense policy, wouldn't beat around the bush and would be the one to change your luck so far. Instead, he averted his eyes and cleared his throat uncomfortably. He seemed to be taking extra care to choose his words, as though they were fragile as glass slippers. Even Lucius looked still in his arms.
"He is a man, as am I, nothing more and nothing less. It is best to leave it at that, My Dear." He implored you gently, you couldn't help but feel this was as close to a plea as the stoic man would ever get. Lucius stared at you unblinkingly, as if trying to determine your answer through your eyes alone.
You hoped the cat couldn't actually tell, because your answer was no.
You still had one more shot. Vargas was loud and a bit much at times, but his love of his own voice would work in your favor. However, you had learned from your mistakes and decided getting straight to the point wasn't in your best interest. If everyone wanted to play with you, it was only right to join the game.
"Please, tell me more about your school days, Ashton! Were you really the star of the Magic Shift team?" You asked in an awed tone, eyes wide.
The coach was eating it up like it was his last meal, you had been stroking the man's ego for over two hours already and if he tells you about the goal that turned the playoffs around one more time you think you'll snap. But his defenses are down, and his lips are loose, so you'll grin and bare just a little longer.
"That's right! I was king of NRC, undisputed! There wasn't a soul on campus who didn't want to be mine!" The man boasted, "Well, except for Beth. She wasn't all there though, not that I cared! She wasn't all that, I'm not bitter about it!"
He's definitely bitter about it, but you don't have time to unpack that when your opening is right in front of you.
"Right right, I totally get it. Hey, speaking of the past, when did you meet Crowley?"
Okay, you lied. There wasn't an opening at all, you burst in with a sledgehammer. But your cutesy act was getting hard to keep up!
Vargas takes the sloppy bait though, " Oh, that guy? He just kinda popped up and offered me a job to be honest. The pays good, so I deal with the old coot being a weirdo."
You have to stop yourself from lighting up, "Weirdo?" You question dumbly, finger on your chin and all.
Vargas looks both ways and then gestures for you to come closer, you can't tell if he's being playful or not with that glint in his eyes.
"Look, don't tell anyone I told you this, okay Dolly? Crowley's got some crazy going on around here, I swear. I don't know details but I've got suspicions." The coach whispers, you nod eagerly for him to continue.
"There's this... room. I don't know what's in it, it's always locked and not even the staff master key opens it. He goes in there every Friday, and I don't see him come out, he just appears again Monday morning. There's this bright light that shines under the door whenever he goes in, and after a few seconds, it stops." Ashton explains, and it's more than you had hoped for.
Creepy locked room, disappearing act, unexplained happenings? This is exactly the dirt you've been looking for!
"He thinks he's being sneaky about it, but I caught on, see? I was following him to ask about a some paperwork and I saw it. I know somethings up, Crowley is up to no good and I don't care how crazy I sound." Ashton stresses, as he goes on he seems more serious, you can't take time to be happy about your findings because he looks so pale.
"Vargas, are you oka-"
"Listen Dolly, I know you're curious, but you don't want nothing to do with this and neither do I. Freaky shit is going down, and if you're smart like me you'll act like you don't know a thing."
You stare at him. H-Had he been on to you the whole time?
"I'm trying to help you, stay away from the west wing and don't-" He stops. His eyes are on something behind you.
"V-Vargas?" You call, shakily.
"I've said enough. Stay outta the west wing, Doll. For your own good."
You don't stay out of the west wing.
In fact, you deliberately seek it out. Ace gives you a funny look when you ask him, but he points you in the right direction anyway. You wish you were more embarrassed about being a member of staff asking students for directions, but you've got bigger fish to fry.
You know this isn't smart, no matter how harmless the headmaster may seem, no one likes being found out. But your life is in his golden-clawed hands and you'd feel even less smart following him blindly and hoping you're safe with him.
The west wing isn't what you expected (though to be fair you had been expecting a torture chamber), it's an entirely normal hall like all the others in school. It's so mundane your face falls. There's also no way to tell if anything is amiss from a glance alone, so you'll have to use less tact than you were hoping to. Making your way down the hall you turn each knob one by one to see which won't turn.
After about twenty or so doors, curse the long hallways in this college, you see one that's quite out of place. It's at the very end of the hall, how cliché, and while it is the same size and color as all the others, it's surrounded with a ridiculous number of portraits. There are big ones above the doorframe and little ones squeezed into the narrow spaces along the sides of it, and if that wasn't enough, the ones that wouldn't fit in either spot were enchanted to float nearby. And the portraits themselves are nothing like the silly but sweet ones that gossip as they watch over everyone who passes in the main building, these are painted with snarls and angered eyes. Both human and nonhuman beings are depicted, each one staring straight at whomever would stand in front of the door. Their eyes seem to be looking in every direction at once even though their pupils are painted straight ahead, it feels like they can see everything without shifting their gaze. You can't even tell if they're alive like the others, they're so... cold.
You take a deep breath, that must be it. You've come to this far, and you'd planned everything so carefully there was no reason to be afraid. The students were having Magift practice today, so that meant Vargas was busy, but it also meant that Crowley was doing his rounds and would stop to "give the players some good old fashioned encouragement ". He would go on forever, there was plenty of time for you to investigate and cover your tracks before he ever even wondered where you were.
You could admit the only person you were convincing was yourself, but it helped you forced your legs to move toward the end of the hall. Even as you walked closer, you knew you shouldn't, the air around you seemed like it was trying to force you back, oppressively pushing you with every step you took towards that door. You wouldn't be able to open it, Ashton had told you already, what exactly were you gaining, being stared down by the lifelike yet lifeless portraits as you neared the door? Nothing, and yet your hand grabbed the knob impulsively, you hadn't realized you'd been holding your breath until it left your lungs in a rush at the touch of icy cold iron in your clammy grip.
You shouldn't have touched it, you shouldn't have, now what? Your plan was to turn back after your curiosity was sated, but you couldn't. The force that was pushing back against you before was now pulling you forward, beckoning you. The portraits no longer looked like a warning, but an invitation. You've come so far, now come a little closer, something that wasn't a voice nor a thought breathed around you.
You twist the doorknob, like a fool.
It turns.
Your heart leaps with excitement and fear, and you feel a surge of adrenaline run through your body. You can go in, you can go farther!
You feel yourself smiling widely even though you're sure you're not happy, you go to push the door open just a little further.
You stop as four pinpricks upon your throat flare with pain, your eyes go wide like a deer and you freeze.
"Crewel was right, you're truly nothing but trouble."
The voice sounds familiar, and yet nothing like the person it belongs to. But you'd know those gold-tipped fingers anywhere.
"I really am getting on in years, to make such a mistake." Dire sighs, his voice does not lilt and his tone is low. He sounds like an actor who's given up on staying in character.
You catch a whimper in your throat when the hand upon it slides up the front of your neck to grip under your chin and rear you head back at a terrible angle. You meet the dead-eyed gaze of Crowley's mask as he looks straight down at you.
"But you've made an even bigger mistake, Youngling, by testing me."
You want to apologize, or plead for your safety, because the man looming over you is not the one you've grown reluctantly fond of. But because we have established that you are a fool, you say instead:
"Your vest is a mistake. There's sequins on it." You snark weakly, you sound pathetic, half because of the grade school insult and half because you're gasping for breath.
Dire stares down at you blankly. Then he grins, not his usual one full of jolly cheer, but a wide toothy one that is just a few degrees off from a sneer.
"Oh, you really think you're just the cutest little thing under the sun, don't you?" He asks, he chuckles halfway through but it's dry and dark.
Why are you so foolish, why do you speak?
Abruptly, the pressure points on your neck are released and you fall to your knees, gulping sweet sweet air.
"Well you're right! You're just adorable, thinking you could catch me out!" Dire shouts cheerfully, hands on his hips and accent back in full swing. His façade is back in place like it was never gone.
You stare in disbelief.
"You know, anyone else would have to be put under a curse of eternal silence for snooping around like you did." He continues, "But I am so very kind, I'm going to let you walk out of here without laying a finger on you."
You shakily get to your feet, leaning against the wall for support and as something to curl in on to cower from the overly happy man before you.
He stares at you smiling for many moments too long, you know he's trying to scare you and you're angry at yourself for being so. Abruptly, he nods.
"I'll be off then, I'm sure you get the message? Of course you do! Make your way back to your room then, off you get! Goodbye!"
The man walks away quickly, waving his hand in farewell.
He left you without a fight, with the door left unlocked and you still in position to reveal what was on the other side. You balk at the obvious show of his power over you.
He knew you were too terrified now, he knew you would obey him like a dog told to stay, the smug bastard.
You bite your lip in frustration and confused tears fill your eyes. You just want to know what's going on, you just want to go home! Nothing makes sense.
You look at the door that's slightly ajar.
Then at the exit of the west wing across the long hall.
You can no longer hear Crowley's footsteps.
And because you are a fool, and because you are defiant, and because you want some semblance of control, you make a mad dash through the door before you can change your mind.
All of the Dire Crowley/occasional NRC staff scenarios/stories/headcanons take place in a timeline where you've still been transported to the world of Twisted Wonderland, but, you're too old to be enrolled as a student. Therefore, the ever gracious headmaster makes you an honorary staff member and you stay in the teacher's lounge (to be fair, it's a very nice teacher's longue, even if you have to sleep on the sofa).
You become a glorified errand-runner for the teachers, since your job doesn't have a description, they can just ask you to do whatever they don't want to and you can't really say it's not your job. But because you're employed by Dire you start getting piled with bigger and bigger tasks because you're just so good at them! And because no one else will be bothered but you.
Alchemy explosion? That's on you. Vargas out with a cold? You look like you can blow a whistle as well as any! Students overblotting? Well would you look at that, all the other adults on campus have ceased to exist and you're the only one who can stop their rampage! Your entire existence at NRC can be summed up with "Overworked and over everything".
That is until you unwittingly uncover Dire's true nature and gain leverage over him and force him to treat you like royalty in exchange for your silence, but then you both fall in love through your constant bickering and realize you want to help him instead and-
To add, you don't get paid, all you get is the audacity and a slew of teenagers to care for. Did we need a reason as to why you get to interact with Dire and the other teachers so much? No. But I am nothing if not unnecessary!
Dire is older than old-fashioned, he’s ancient-fashioned, okay? As a Dire devotee, it pains me to say it but he’s 100% the type to think women’s shoulders are distracting and still believes in wearing shawls to cover your upper arms. And do you know what that means, dear reader? It means he’s repressed, repressed to the highest and most hilarious degree. This man thinks closing the door when it’s just the two of you is scandalous, if you touched his forearm he’d simply combust.
All this to say, I have many thoughts about how Dire “omg is that an ankle” Crowley feels toward potential love interests and in the essay (this is absolutely not an essay, I am simply vibing in the thirst void this whole post) I will detail what a prude this man is.
✥ Warnings: Saucy, spicy, scandalous!! Nothing truly explicit, but everything is vaguely-pretty darn suggestive! I don’t mention gender in this, expect for women’s shoulders once, so I think it counts as gender-neutral reader! Also, spicy does not mean satisfying, because I play too much for this to be taken seriously asdfghjkl
✥ Firstly, just because he’s a prude doesn’t mean he knows he’s a prude. In fact, Dire fancies himself something of a devil in terms of romance, he thinks he’s too bold for those timid-hearted younglings, truly!
✥ Has written many a saucy love letter in his time, the very thought of the filth he’s written makes him red in the face when he thinks about it, “I would kiss your bare knee”, “If you were at my side this night, the cold would not frighten me so”, and “My love, my body yearns only for you” are just a few of the salacious gems he’s patted himself on the back about. What a dog, eh?
✥ It’s so painfully easy to riled Dire up it’s almost not fun, you could blink at him wrong and he’d think you were a minx. Touch his hand when taking something from him? He’s already wide eyed at your confidence. Put your face close to his for any reason? Are you trying to seduce him? Or, Seven forbid, you- I can’t even say it... Put a hand on his thigh? Good job, you killed him, he’s gone. Donezo. No more birdman.
✥ The first time he sees your calves he trips over air and his mask smashes into the ground so hard it’s amazing the beak didn’t crack off. And you’re just, out! Like that! Without a care! Our poor headmaster is so flustered he has to run off into an unused classroom to hyperventilate, he’s so hot all of a sudden and his big flashy coat seems far too thick.
✥ Will actually scream/yelp out loud if you wear anything off-the-shoulder, like, clutch his chest (and pearls) and shriek. Once he realizes that no one else seems to care you’re entirely exposed, he’ll play it off like he saw a bug or something. He doesn’t care, nope, no sir, he’s not sneaking peeks behind his mask at all. Shoulder are so mundane and totally not attractive to him at all.
✥ Don’t mention collarbones. Just don’t, for his sake, don’t.
✥ If you ever manage to get his number, you’re in for a treat! He still think love letters are the way to anyone’s heart and sends you a paragraph text so long you have to scroll for 2 minutes to reach the end. He’s quite proud of himself, he’s smugly sure you’re shivering at the thought of him.
✥ His bravado is dead the moment he open the image you sent him in return. He not touching his phone for a month btw, he can’t even type his password without going red and yelling in embarrassment. It doesn’t matter if he’s alone or in front of people, if he thinks about it, he’s yelling.
✥ Goes to Crewel for help because he realizes he’s in over his head but also still wants to look cool and experienced to you. Crewel laughs at him and tells him to struggle. Dire wonders what he pays any of the teachers for.
✥ Moving past Dire’s crisis over how everyone has magically become more experienced than him, we should also talk about how proud this man is. He absolutely loves praise and likes being told in detail that he’s doing a good job. Keep it sweet and if you think you’re over doing it? Do even more, because he’s eating it up no matter how cheesy or irrelevant the praise might be. You could say he makes great omelets and he would feel like the sexiest man alive.
✥ Definitely says “making love” instead of “fucking”, and if you say fucking he’s going to correct you and/or be flustered by your vulgarity.
✥ Has never said “dick” in his life, always always uses a euphemism.
✥ If his partner tries to dirty talk him he’s just going to stare with his jaw on the floor and now no one gets to do anything because Dire.exe has stopped working for the rest of the night.
✥ Just, help him. He’s stuck in the 1900s somewhere and you’re going to have to hold his hand through modern-day hook-ups, he’s lost and afraid but morbidly intrigued by everything you teach him once he gets over his pride.
This is, way messier than I intended, but I am also brainrotting and simultaneously realizing I think about Dire’s intimate life too much to be sane. At least one of these headcanons is bound to be coherent though, I hope! When I’m a better writer I’ll probably write a better worded and less goofy rendition of this haha
Am I really going to write an entire fleshed-out post about Dire’s hair? Yes. Yes I am.
✥ Warnings: Just simping really hard for my darling raven man tbh
✥ Dire's hair is listed as plain black but I (the intellectual that I am) raise you the idea that his hair is black and iridescent like blackbird feathers, hence the green/blue shifts at the ends of his hair. Imagine running your fingers through it and watching it shimmer and shift from purple to blue to teal to green, imagine him being cast in shadow all day only to finally step into the sunlight and have his hair burst with color!!
✥ It is also incredibly silky, like, hard to keep between your fingers because it slips right out type silky. Knowing him, it’s probably because he uses 101 different products to get it that way and to maintain his wavy hair texture, but still! Super soft!
✥ His hair looks and behaves like regular hair for the most part! But as you get to his nape, rather than the hair just stopping, it sort of feathers out. The closer you get to his hairline, the shorter and more feather-like his hair becomes, so rather than a distinct hairline you get more of a diffused one. I imagine if he were to cut his hair really short, all of it would have that feathery feel, but the longer it grows, the less feathered.
✥ Dire seems like the type to pride himself on appearances to the point of vanity and thus would be very proud of his hair. At this point he expects to have it commented on, he knows it’s very unique and eye-catching and he knows that others know. Would definitely stand in direct sunlight on purpose to get others to take notice and ask him about it.
✥ Also the type to be uppity about people touching his head. Your hands have oils on them and you could mess up his perfect PH balance with your greasy little fingers, no. You might be able to convince him, but only by way of showering him endlessly with compliments and flattering him with pleas to know what his hair feels like. You will be allowed one (1) head pat for your troubles.
✥ You’re not allowed to touch his hair, but you can get away with washing it for him. It’s not that he suddenly thinks your hands are any different if he’s in a bath, it’s just that his want to be pampered outweighs his prissy attitude. You get extra points if you use his fancy, floral-scented (and totally unnecessary) hair oils and massage them into his head gently.
✥ He totally wore it outrageously long in his youth, only as he got older and had less time for himself did he cut it to make it more manageable. He still laments the tragedy to this day.
Why I had so many feelings about this man’s hair when we’ve never actually seen him with his hat off is as much a mystery to me as it is to you, but hopefully someone out there found enjoyment in this! (other than me, anyway)
