stupid little girl

"Stupid girl I should've know, I should've know I'm not a princess This ain't a fairytale." independent selective Hestia Carrow player

[disgracedgoddess]

ginny weasley

There was so much anger left in the world, and on days like today, where they were forced to drudge up old wounds, that anger seemed to multiply. People on the streets were avoiding eyes, the heroes of their world staying indoors for the most part because no one knew what the reaction would be like. Ginny was lucky enough to get out of the heat of it, hiding in plain sight now. She almost wished she had an invisibility cloak of her own so she could head back home without being seen or questioned. “No, I didn’t really think I would be out here too long. There’s another memorial around five, so I can’t be stuck in the Muggle world for long.” She replied with a shrug, trying to push the anxiety of the upcoming memorial out of her head. She didn’t want to face those memories, she didn’t want to think about the ones who fell. Her brother, Tonks and Professor Lupin coming to mind first. No doubt Teddy would be sitting with Harry this year, and she wasn’t ready to see the expression on the boy’s face yet.

At her comment about her name, Ginny felt her ears burn. “Yeah, I guess it is..” Ginny muttered as she shifted her feet, knowing the entire Wizarding World knew her, or at least thought they knew her. Hestia was right, it was hard to forget it. The question however, brought Ginny’s attention back to her former schoolmate, pushing her lips as she tried to think of something to say. “It’s hard to sit around today. I don’t like not doing anything.”

People didn’t really bothered with the Carrow twins anymore. They kept their distance, sometimes they would side eye them (her more than her sister), but they would leave them alone. Which only made her feel even less welcomed on such day. Ginny could be forgiving, but the world wasn’t so much. “Oh.” Sounded even rather unpleasant to go to a memorial in the end of day. Hestia would have rather get over with that first thing on the day (which she did by visiting her parents’ gave before the sun was born). She didn’t considered herself heartless, just guarded. She didn’t agree that it was better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. She didn’t have enough love to give it away. “Well, good luck with that.” It could have not be the right thing to say (and she didn’t know if there was a right thing to say) but it was the only thing she could think of.

There was some noticeable discomfort on Ginny’s part, which Hestia ignored. She didn’t beat around the bush. She was quickly to fade into the background, but at the same time she wasn’t one to shy away from speaking her mind when the conversation was already going on. If Ginny was offended by the truth, that was really not her problem, considering she had just said it with no second intention. “Sitting here doesn’t quite seem like doing something to me but...” She shrugged without completing the sentence. “And I would assume that there were more than a few things for you to do today.” There was another shrug of her shoulders. It was bad to make assumptions, but Hestia could be insufferable.

[disgracedgoddess]

ginny weasley

Ginny could usually come off as an angry person if you didn’t know her. Over the years since the war, since she became more famous within the world, because of the battles, but also because of Harry, she had adapted a pretty hard expression reserved for the public. She tried to make herself look unapproachable to avoid reporters asking every question they just had to know. But to her family, she was kind, she was always laughing and tried her hardest not to harbor any anger. 

So with her old classmates, her old “enemies” in school, she tried to do the same. To let the fighting from the war finally fall away. It did no good to keep the anger going, especially when there was still so much rebuilding that needed to be done. Both physically and socially. “I think I’ll pass on that one. Wizards chat enough for me already.” She joked, eyes dropping down to Hestia’s bag as she started to pull food out. “Came prepared, yeah?” Ginny added, before looking back up at her. “I guess that’s one way to go about things. But then you don’t expect anything good either, ya know?” She replied, nodding when she finally said her name, a smile crossing her lips in an attempt to put the past behind them. “Hestia, right, yeah I remember you. Ginny. But I assume you already remembered that.”

Hestia would be considered the disgrace of her family if they knew how much time she spent on muggle London. She loved magic and she would never resent it, but it felt easier to be around people who simply didn’t know anything about her or her family. Not everyone seemed to be so keen in forgetting what the Carrows did as Ginny seemed to be. But her parents were dead, aunt and uncle in prison, and her sister was the last thing she had. She shrugged, not wishing to share any of that with the Weasley. “Didn’t you?” She asked. It was approximately midday and Hestia was just too pick about her routine ─ right time and right thing to eat. She knew that people weren’t as obsessive as her. Another bite as Ginny filled the silence between them.

Good. Hestia could say that her work was good. She had her sister ─ and she was good. However, she didn’t think she had the same expectations as Ginny. She tilted her head, examining Ginny’s face for a second. That sounded a lot like hope. It didn’t seem right either to say she didn’t harbor those feelings. She wanted to stay away from controversial topics. “It is a bit hard to forget.” Hestia admitted, not that Ginny could think otherwise on a day that her name is probably being mentioned a lot in the Wizarding World. “May I ask what you are doing here?”

[disgracedgoddess]

ginny weasley

Ginny was not ready for whatever was going to come of today. Practices had been canceled, a way of giving people the time they needed to be with their families if they chose. But Ginny had almost wished that she could be there today, to pretend that today was just like any other day. That she didn’t have people coming up in the streets, more so than usual, thanking her and her family for what they did. Apologizing to her for her losses. Today was harder than any other day and once again she wished she was not one of the “heroes” of the Wizarding World that they all labeled her as.

Even though she could barely remember the name of the girl next to her, the more she stood with her, the more memories came back. She was one of the students the DA fought against all through her sixth year. She remembered running to the shrieking shack to escape the Carrows, usually after they ducked out of her and a few other students’ sight. But that was behind them now, the war was over. Grudges didn’t need to be held. Thankful for the small talk, Ginny’s eyes flickered between the dreary sky and the brunette next to her. “They definitely aren’t the cheeriest group, are they? Seem too caught up in their own heads.” She replied with a nod, a shrug accompanying her next comment. “Better to expect the rain and get the sun instead of the other way around, yeah?”

Honestly, Hestia didn’t hate any of them. She was supposed to ─ blood traitors, mudbloods, non-humans ─ or that was what her father told her so, but she just never understand the source of all that hate. It was at least intriguing how muggleborns got their magic, but she never wrapped her head around her family values. It lacked logic and Hestia had always been a big fan of logic. She was forced into a war that wasn’t hers, she just did what she had to do to survive and to protect her sister. Her sister was the only thing that matter, so Hestia just didn’t bother in holding grudges. That seemed exhausting. 

That didn’t mean, however, that she had to like them. Hestia definitely didn’t like Potter. Granger had always been a source of frustration and envy. But Ginny had never been relevant to her, so there was a chance she could actually like her (it was small, but existed). “Try having a pint with them── nonstop blab.” Hestia pulled her bag closer, taking out her lunch and she opened the Tupperware on her lap. She shook the fork between her fingers for a moment. “I learned not to expect anything at all,” she shrugged, taking a bite off her salad, “it avoids disappointment altogether.” That she could thank her parents for, which normally was something others could understand in theory. And that was something she wanted Ginny to imagine she knew just in theory. “I am Hestia. In case...” her voice died down because ‘in case you don’t remember me chasing you’ seemed a bad conversation starter.

[disgracedgoddess]

ginny weasley

Two years. Somehow she had made it two years since that Battle. It didn’t feel like that long had passed, but then again she never liked to think that she had gone this long without one of her brothers. There was a large dinner at the Burrow tonight, with the Order and anyone who could make it, honoring those who passed. Another service, another eulogy. Ginny didn’t think she could take it.

She missed her brother terribly, always having been closest to Fred and George, despite Ron being closer in age. They were always there for her and she felt as though she and George had mourned him the most out of the siblings. There was still so much setting up that needed to be done back home, but Ginny wasn’t ready to face her family yet, so instead she went out to London, hiding amongst the Muggles. They wouldn’t be mourning today, there would be no reminders here of the world she lived in. They would have no idea about the Battle of Hogwarts even if she mentioned it. But she couldn’t even escape her world completely, seeing a slightly familiar face. She didn’t think she had ever spoken to her, but Ginny knew her face from around school and the Ministry when she would go visit Harry and Ron. “About as good as it’s going to get today, I think.”

Today.

If it were for Hestia, today, just like any other day, would be the same. She was used to a very specific routine. She would go to work, eat a salad for lunch, go home, talk to her sister, read a book and sleep. Boring, predictable and controlled, which was everything she could wish for herself. Whenever she lost control, even for a second, her life took a curve ball she didn’t know how to deal with. Emotions had never been her strength. Instead, there was no work at the ministry so they could go to a service for the lives that were lost ─ the fallen heroes. Eulologies, tributes, people convulsing into tears that could make any sane person uncomfortable. Which was why she was even more surprised that Ginny Weasley, another of one their heroes, was out there in Muggle London instead Hogwarts or wherever.

Hestia knew more about Ginny than she would care to know. She and her friends had given the Carrows enough trouble on senior year, consequently, Hestia had gotten in trouble for not being able to contain Dumbledore’s Army. Alecto had never been good with emotions either, but unlike Hestia, she lashed them out. She had thought that being reminded of the Battle was the worst thing on that day, but remembering her family wasn’t helpful to pretend this day was just like other. “Maybe it is to match people’s humor. Londoners are just awfully cranky.” Hestia trailed off. She didn’t care to be accepted by anyone but her sister, yet, she had the urge to fill their silence with small talk for some reason. “It would be too much disappointment to expect for a sunny day.”

[disgracedgoddess]

It had been two years since the Battle of Hogwarts. It was more than time enough to put her affairs in order, but it didn’t matter how much she tried to fix her family blood, ties and reputation, that was something that Hestia’s perfectionism neurosis would never reach. So she did the best two things she could ─ reacted with sarcasm and faded into the background, always swaying between one another. 

It was remembrance day, which meant that Hestia was avoiding people like the plague. Muggle London seemed the most safe place to be, which was why she never expected a magical companion. She picked the Hyde Park in a failed attempt to be alone, but destiny apparently had other plans. “Great weather, right?” She looked at the grey skies and to the person beside her.

[disgracedgoddess]

katie bell

“Pretty sure that’s not ‘pumpkin juice,’ mate.”

Hestia frowned. She knew it wasn’t, but maybe the sight of someone downing firewhiskey so quickly was not usual for Katie Bell. “I would hope not── I asked for firewhiskey.” For such a tiny girl, she shouldn’t drink that much, but the numbness mind was a good friend.

[disgracedgoddess]

harry potter

Lightning? As creative as ever, he thought to himself in an attempt to keep the quips he wished to throw back at her within. An urge to reach up and correct his bangs came to be, fingers wrapping itself around the frame of his glasses to resist the need. “Still leaning on nicknames for childish effects, I see. Glad to see not everything has changed around here.” Harry let out a sigh, falling back on the chair that seemed to grow more and more uncomfortable by the minute – he was getting restless. “Definitely the first. I think I would understand the reasons as why you wouldn’t try to convince me you’ve always been by my side through this war.” The second part made him raise his eyebrows, a shudder of memories washing over at the mention of the Yule ball. “At least I had a proper date – what did you bring? A broom? A toad?” he hit back, tilting his head to the side as he awaited an answer.

Unspeakable training? Did she mean… right, that place. Of course it was that place. As if it couldn’t come back and haunt him even more past his fifth year at school. By now he at least figured they would have cleaned the place up and reset the damages made by a hoard of teenagers and death eaters. Part of him wanted to ask, while another knew it wasn’t the best of topics to bring up to a person he had yet to figure out whether to trust.

“Kick you off? Only reason I could see them do that is if you suck at your job, if they feel as if they can’t trust you.” Harry was everything but sensitive when it came to these type of matters, he didn’t possess the same type of breaks or reasons some would use to calm down a racing brain and worried mind. He had come to prefer the path of being blunt compared to tiptoeing – not finding much of a self-gain to support those that clearly had no intentions of supporting him back. “Hm? Well, they didn’t waste much time once I confirmed to them I still had an interest with the job. They just can’t give me an official badge yet and I’m fine sitting through the training. I’m still just human with a need of directions.” For some, that seemed utterly impossible for them to understand. If it was one thing he hoped the end of the war would bring with it, it was a final will for him to feel like the rest – not a singled out coin you could collect. 

“I didn’t know that it had to be a nickname,” she shrugged only one shoulder, lips pressed into a thin line before she opened her mouth again, “I thought it was just a logical conclusion.” Hestia knew that pissing Harry Potter off was probably not a good thing, but apparently she had too much time on her hands and nothing else to do. She fiddled on a loose thread of her robes, avoiding looking at him. Even though she was putting on her best act, she only wanted to get back to work, if she was lucky enough. A frown appeared on her forehead, confusion. “Why would I bother? My reasons are none of your interest.”Her lips turned into a thin line again. “I didn’t know you cared for whom I dated in school, Potter.” She forced a smile, speaking at an almost innocent manner. There was at least an attempt of lightening up the mood. He didn’t care if he tried to insult her, because there was only a handful of people that she cared for opinions. She also didn’t bother to answer him. Hestia had gone with Nott, but it wasn’t by choice or love, which didn’t really matter in the end.

Hestia scoffed. She couldn’t believe that Potter thought there was fair treatment in the Wizarding World. It had shown him one too many times all the prejudice that it contained. He couldn’t believe that they were going to be righteous because Voldemort was gone. “I thought you remembered that I am a Carrow, Potter.” She pulled the sleeve of her robes, feeling incredibly uncomfortable for a second. It was told on her trial that she had taken the Dark Mark, even if she swore that she was forced. She was pardoned, but she never felt she was forgiven. Hestia didn’t blame them. She wouldn’t have forgiven herself. Her arm was severely scarred from a panic attack she had and she tried to take it off, her tattoos didn’t cover it properly. Part of her didn’t know why she continued that topic at first place. “I don’t think people see it like that,” she commented, turning her attention to a random object to detect dark arts. “I think they called you the saviour on the Daily Prophet? But I couldn’t be too sure, I’ve just scanned over.” She poked the object, but she looked over her shoulder.

Shifting her weight from one feet to another, she finally sat. “Doesn’t it get boring though? Being the saviour?” She wasn’t really interested on him, but she figured if she could keep him talking about himself maybe she would be more annoyed than worried about her future.

[tatiana-evelyne]

[karynkusama]

I Believe in Unicorns (2014) dir. Leah Meyerhoff

[bloodysalad-deactivated20150504]

 once upon a time ——                         i thought i could be someone.                   someone brave.                                           someone { pure } .                               —- now i’m all grown up                                               — & all i am is tainted.                                b l o o d s t a i n e d .

                                          ( i wish i could go back. )

[emmacharlottewatson]

Natalia Dyer by Sam Ramirez for the Winter Issue of Rogue Magazine, January 2017. 

[kieraknightley]

[museinspo]

cfmusings:

          ❝ i wish i could protect you from everything. ❞

[itberice]

#important

[jcap]

[wordsnquotes]

Was it harder to die, or harder to be the one who survived?

Ruta Sepetys, Between Shades of Gray (via wordsnquotes)

[disgracedgoddess]

harry potter

Hestia Carrow – the name itself rang bitter inside Harry’s head as he gazed her over. How many hours hadn’t they spent together within the same classroom since day one? He knew her parents, to an extent, and he knew of the siblings to an extent. The closest he had ever come was through the Slug Club a few years back but their differences had constantly found reasons to set them apart. And by the tone of her voice, he figured none of that had really changed. 

“I don’t? Would never have guessed”, Harry spoke back with a bitter tone hard to hold. It wasn’t personal, or maybe it was, but he had since long dropped the eagerness that came with wizards wanting to shake his hand for near an hour upon greeting him; not to mention the side glances and scoffs that followed those who wanted everything but to shake it. Truthfully, a tint of nostalgia washed him over, memories of sour fights and bickering inside the old school halls of Hogwarts – of people who refused to treat him as an expensive vase one of its kind upon hearing her remark, filling him up with an unsual warmth. How come one and a half years had flipped so much of the world known upsidedown? A threat had vanished, but what had taken its place? There were still Death Eaters and supporters fighting for their right to a pure society, to regain what he, Harry, and the people on his side had ripped straight out of their slimy hands. “Although, it feels good hearing it out of a mouth that doesn’t instantly try to convice me they did everything to fight with me – but then again, you have your reasons for it, I presume.” 

Harry wouldn’t, and couldn’t, blame Hestia for being harsh with him after the many trials that had passed by these last couple of months. Relatives weren’t the main threat, unless they made themselves seem that way – and if there was one thing he had come to learn from the Malfoys (as off the page that sounded) it was that people had hidden meanings and limited options. There had to be a reason for Hestia to stand here in the Ministry, to walk behind an Unspeakable as if she belonged. “Are you trying to get a job here as well?”

It wasn’t their belief system that had set them apart primarily. It was perception. Everyone perceived things differently. Hestia and her slytherin peers were perceived as the mean gang in school, and so they’ve become. As she grew up, her family was further perceived as evil ─ and maybe they were, but it just set her parents’ loyalty in stone. It just allowed Alecto and Amycus to dive in turmoil and carve their own downfall. She didn’t excuse their behaviour. Oh, no, she knew that they were all accountable for their mistakes. Hestia tried, however, to set herself apart, but she couldn’t say she was all that different ─ there was still Carrows’ blood in her veins. And she wasn’t good or perfect. 

She had been just a girl, but now she couldn’t hide under a veil of supposedly innocence anymore.

“If they don’t know your name, they can always call you lightning,” there was a sarcastic hint in her tone as she pointed to his forehead, even if the scar was hidden under his hair. She had the corner of her lips curled up in amusement. She could get in trouble for that later, but at least she had a moment of fun. Truthfully, there wasn’t a living person in the Wizarding world that didn’t know his face or his face. But Hestia could sympathize with unwanted attention. She had wished so much for people to see her in school, when they couldn’t ─ wouldn’t ─, and then all she wanted was to go back to the girl that faded into the background. “Reasons not to fight with you or not to try to convince you of such?” She questioned, eyebrow raised. In either case, she didn’t see why she should subject herself into try to explain him her reasons. Hestia did what she had to do to survive. She did what she had to do to protect Flora ─ to keep her sister unharmed. She wouldn’t be such a jerk to put him on the spot by asking what he would do if he was in her place. “──Or reasons not to kiss your ass overall? Because that is easy. You are not that impressive since I’ve seen you dancing─ or trying to.” It wasn’t that simple (she wished it was that simple), but avoiding any real feelings was the only way she would have a conversation with Potter.

“Unspeakable training,” and that was all she could say. First rule of being an unspeakable, don’t talk about it. “If they don’t kick me off.” And in a blink of her eyes, she didn’t know why she told that to him. It could have been someone else. She quickly decided to bounce back by saying, “it is no surprise to see you in the Auror path. Although, to be quite sincere, I thought they would have put you as an Auror as soon as you stepped in here from how much they drool on you.”