death

a vent blog for myself

[dissociationvacation]

I broke a door fully off of its hinges during a panic attack, so that is the state of things right now

[dissociationvacation]

eating status: took a bite of a donut id saved, immediately spit it out and threw it away

[dissociationvacation]

i ate a full portion of rice and beans :)

[dissociationvacation]

eating status: took a bite of a donut id saved, immediately spit it out and threw it away

[chronictranssexuality]

"you don't owe anyone anything" You are a tar pit. Speak for yourself. I personally owe the cafe employees my dishes put away and my friends a listening ear and small scared insects a cup and a gentle trip outside. Hyperindividualism is a rancid infection borne of capitalism and willfully misinterpreted therapyspeak and I will defy it by continuing to be kind regardless of whether or not it benefits me personally

[dissociationvacation]

cyclical violence

[dissociationvacation]

it'll break me

[dissociationvacation]

disgust

[dissociationvacation]

staring at an unbandaged open self inflicted wound is not a sort of loathing I would wish upon even my worst enemy

[dissociationvacation]

i try to be normal and good for as long as i can but then everything that makes me hurt comes back around and its all so rotten and people leave or they make me leave

[dissociationvacation]

[dissociationvacation]

yayyyyy everyone is playing games without you!!!!!!!! yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay!!!!!!!!!!! yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!! 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[dissociationvacation]

I want to cut myself again and again and again and again and again until there's nothing left but the blood that ooen wounds leave on my body

[dissociationvacation]

self harm is so stupid sometimes. or i guess all the time when i relapse, but it's like what do you mean i just punched myself so hard i split my knuckles. fucking god damn it

i want to cut myself open still

[dissociationvacation]

who up snorting prescription meds and then doing all of the fucking dishes!!!!!!

[dissociationvacation]

relapse is worse because im allergic to some adhesives so on top of the stinging and the hurting and the bruising the area becomes swollen and itchy and even more painful than before as I try to scratch around open and healing wounds

[dissociationvacation]

I haven't had a home in seven months, I haven't had a bedroom. I keep trying and trying but nothing ever works out

traumatized and humiliated and exhausted, stringing myself along on the help of others

I was so alone in December. I was so alone in January

no longer feel close to people very much anymore. a strain on them

Feel like if I break I'll be pushed out again, even when it isn't true, but I can't medicate, I can't seek help

missing the pieces i need to bring myself back together again

the job i had an interview for hasn't called me back, or contacted me, nobody will answer my applications, am i really that terrible at everything

[dissociationvacation]

i try to be normal and good for as long as i can but then everything that makes me hurt comes back around and its all so rotten and people leave or they make me leave