I’m writing this because I’m finding myself a position of genuinely thinking about running away from what I once called home to be as far as away as I can from my once sane and reasonable father. I want to come clean about why I’m so quiet and so slow to put out music. I don’t want hide this anymore. The truth as to why I don’t produce music as fast as I can is because of my extremely toxic relationship, that constantly plagues my mind, i have with my father. As time has gone by, with the stress of his own company, lack of his own family (mother, father, siblings, etc), my father’s sanity and patience with me has slipped into nonexistence. I went to American University for the remainder of my college career for audio production since my parents, at the time, realized that I wanted to truly learn about something I was genuinely pationate about and good at. I initially went into a college for architecture, then changed majors to biomedical engineering, then to electrical engineering, and then just straight back into biomedical. I just kept on taking suggestion on what I COULD do with my college life, but not what I WANTED to do. Considering that getting your degree meant that the rest of your life ought to shaped around the career you got your degree in, I wanted to stop lying to my parents about what I wanted to do with my life. I told them that music was it and I transferred to American University when I was a junior. My father hated the idea of doing music, but I can’t blame him. He’s a man from a different world, culture, and thus has a different, more reserved mindset than I. He wanted me to do a typical business/math/science type career course, but for once in his life of control he gave in and let me pursue what I wanted. I excelled at AU and was revered for my production abilities and passed with As and Bs in all of my classes. After graduating, I worked for my dads company doing engineering work that pays decently because he knew that i didn’t have income coming in immediately and decided to put me to work for his company, therefore aiding himself and me at the same time. On the side, instead of working towards finding a job or internship with audio production, I foolishly let my fears of my artist brand dying (cuz of how slowly I produce music when I was in college) get to me and only focused on producing my Bounty Hunter EP. Obviously that didn’t yield the success I wanted it to but it was still something that I put out; something that I was proud of at the time. During that entire time my parents were waiting to hear back from me regarding jobs or internships and like an idiot I wasn’t looking so I had nothing to tell them. My dad didn’t like that. You see, my dad is a man of results. He wants to see results only; he doesn’t give the slightest fuck about your emotions during the ride toward getting result; he doesn’t care about the grind or how much hard work it takes, he just wants to see the results. That’s it. He’s been the boss of his own company all his life and he’s a physically intimidating man (tall and muscular) so having POWER over people and having things go his way or the highway has always been his life. His dream is to have one of his children take over his company but none of us want to because we see how violent, stressed and angry it makes him. Who would want to take over that kind of job? Like who cares about the money at that point, if it’s turning you into such a monster? Nobody wants to deal with that, and that realization makes him perpetually angry at us all. It’s destroying him mentally. His patience with me only lasted for about 4 months and he immediately told me that i am going back to school for something else regardless of not utilizing the degree that I just earned. He is convinced that the degree itself is completely worthless just because I have an utilizes yet. He thinks that he wants his time and money. He told me that he wishes that he never let me do what I wanted; he wished he controlled my college life too. He was lenient when I chose my own passion for my major that time because he figured that I could make myself into something RIGHT AWAY after college. I didn’t utilize my time wisely at all; I am admitting my wrong of not pursuing an internship immediately after college like most “normal grads”. So with all that, and how I haven’t focused on getting an internship or job in music, my dad snapped and has forced me to go back to school to study (I chose IT because that’s a decently interesting field and is booming right now). He’s called me every name from a disappointment, to a retard, and has told me multiple times to give up on music because he’s lost faith in me, even before I became Andromulus. If I’m not making Skrillex money, I’m not a good musician in his eyes. Growing up he didn’t have too much so obviously he became obsessed with making money, and formed a company for that. So when he saw his son, despite being fresh out of college, NOT immediately grabbing an internship or even making my own money, he freaked out and then forced me to work at his company. In some of the fights we have, he gets upset at me for not finding an audio job, but… Like what’s the point of applying now since I’m already in and doing the fucking IT thing that he wants me to do?? How can you be mad at that when I’m doing what you want me to do? His reply to that was just “shut the fuck up you love arguing for arguing’s sake.” Exposing dad’s nonsensical rage-induced thinking to himself and making him feel stupid for a second always makes me feel good on the inside. I’m constantly at war with my father. He hasn’t told me that he loves me in fucking years now, whenever we talk he ends up picking a fight with me over emotions that he lets boil up inside of him so I end up just standing there and having to take it, and he’s completely annihilated my inspiration and creativity through fear and threats of hitting me and physically intimidating me. It’s been one week into the school semester and he snapped big time this time. Way long ago my parents bought a condominium near DC for my brother and I use to go to college. That condo is practically my refuge to be away from my parents when I was just entering college when they would set curfews for my freshman year and it was a refuge recently when I was out of college to be away from my emotionally abusive father. THAT place, that I was usually by myself at, was my home, not the house where my parents stay. But now, because he has no trust in me whatsoever, my father has assumed the tyrant role again and forced me to move back into the house and to abandon my laptop. He told me to “pack up everything that I own in the condo and to move back in with him”. He kicked me out of the only place I could find positivity and happiness. My laptop is where I make music, talk to my only real friends who’re online, and more importantly where I get to spend time with my long distance girlfriend, Nora. That’s our only way of spending quality time together, since going out to see each other is fucking impossible and even trying to use my saved paid vacation hours to go anywhere to see her is denied simply because it’s her. My dad hates her because she isn’t some Ivy League college grad Lebanese goddess that he wants his boys to date. He’s a fucking prick to her too, purposely not saying her name to me, always calling her “that girl that I’m fucking”. I genuinely hate him for that. He’s taken my laptop away from me claiming that it has ruined my life and that music is now history with me. He wants me to do the IT program, get my new degree, and get the fuck out of his life. He told me that I was a fucking loser, that had no direction in his life, and was wasting it away pursuing something that’s never going to happen: success with music. Despite my laptop being MINE THAT I BOUGHT WITH MY OWN MONEY AND WHERE I DO MY SCHOOL WORK, he’s taken it away from me. He’s just blinded and drunk in anger. He thinks that I play video games on my .. MacBook Pro. Just goes to show you how ignorant and how many assumptions he’s making about me. The only reason he thinks of video games is because he once saw my GC controller at the condo and thinks it’s suddenly ALL I do. He thinks video games are ALL my friends and I talk about. He makes assumptions about me, convinced himself that they’re true, and gets angry at me for them. That’s my dad. My parents want me to believe that this is for my own good and that Dad’s doing this for me, but that’s not true. He’s doing it for himself. If something in his life isn’t under his control or exactly up to his standard, he freaks out and panics. He yelled at me tonight upon arrival with all of my stuff and told me that this was a punishment. “Tough love” treatment.. yeah right…. this is control for your sake, Dad. He’s doing this just to make sure that the blemish in his perfect life that is me, can straighten himself out through his miserable parenting and control. All he knows is giving out orders. He’s always a boss to employees, an authoritative figure to his children, the physically intimidating guy to the other people he mets, so he is used to controlling everything and getting pretty much anything he wants. And now I’m just another thing that he will have absolute control over. No more video games, music, and even socializing with the friends (that I have all over the country where skype/discord is the only way I can talk) on my laptop. Just studying for something that he’s forcing me to take. My mind is so used to just brushing off his immense negativity he inflicts on me just to be able to function and stay creative so a majority of the conversations… i mean, arguments, I have with him are deleted from my mind. Hell, even the one we just had is just a blur now. All I know is that my dad yelled at me, told me I’m worthless and a fucking loser, said that he’s going to have complete control over my life now for two years (how long the college program is running), and that he’s taking my laptop away except for weekends. He’s so blinded by his anger that even tho I told him that I needed my laptop FOR school too, he’s still taking that one away and he said he’s gonna buy me a new laptop just for school shit. He doesn’t want me to do music anymore. He’s taking the last shred of positivity in my life and is not only forcing me to do what HE wants, but is also controlling HOW I do it. My dad has called me things in the past but tonight was the first time I heard him say that I’m just a “fucking loser”. I can’t take this place anymore. I can’t take him anymore. I want to run away but all I’ve ever known was being at home being surrounded by family all the time. I’m so used to the security of the home that my parents have provided me so pursuing a new home on my own is absolutely terrifying and completely foreign to me. I’m a social kind of guy so I hate being alone. I can’t deal with suddenly having to cut out my friend from my life and only study. I absolutely do not want to deal with barely having anytime at all to spend with Nora and even having to sneak around with spending time with her via cell phone or even the new laptop that I’m getting. This is a disgusting and insane amount of control that my father is using on me and I hate it. I’m too much of a coward to just up and run away, though in that moment after hearing all these ridiculous things my dad wanted me to do, I was truly on the verge of putting all my shit back in my car and just driving off to anywhere but home. The main thing I’m trying to say is that I guess I’m going on a forced hiatus because of this situation. I had so much planned with music, so many cool songs that I put together with the shreds of positive creativity that I had left in me that I wanted to release but now.. I’m not sure what’s to become of them. I wanted to stream and begin building my streaming audience but clearly with how much my parents hate video games and how much my dad hates me on my laptop doing anything that isn’t school/work related, I doubt any of this can happen. Idk how long it’ll be before this situation lightens up so for the while… just.. dont expect to hear much from me. I’m trapped and I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I’m so sorry for having to vanish like this. I wish someone would just take me away from this. I want to do music and move to LA. That’s my dream. Not … live my life precisely up to my fathers standard of “acceptable”. I want to stop growing gray hairs from stress at 24. My parents have convinced me that I’m nothing more than a failure and it eats away at my soul and creativity so much. I want to just run away but I’m so scared. Idk what’s to become of my music career anymore. I’m emotionally drained and at my wit’s end. I’m sorry to my fans, but I wanted to come clean and tell you guys the truth behind my slow releases. I’m sorry. I’m thinking about setting up a GoFundMe for those who are willing to donate to help me save up money for some of the financial expenses that come with living on your own and the journey itself towards LA. I’ll keep you guys posted about this in the very near future. Thank you all so much. Much love.
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