“can we just take a moment to celebrate me?”
“i’m always the one who loves more, that’s my thing.”
“i take dumps standing up! i’m a man!”
“it really bums me out that i will never know the infinite joy of what it feels like to carry a child inside me.”
“open your cellar doors, and let us taste your jams.”
“i am a rugged, semetic prince!”
“do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? how do you get anything done?”
“will you not stop until the whole world is aroused?!”
“i’m not putting on the kimono.”
“i just wanna be slapped around!”
“eat glass and die, you tramp!”
“you are so weird. can you ever just leave the room like a normal person?”
“i don’t want a refund on you.”
“a plant wearing underwear would be better than you!”
“i’m high on anxiety meds right now.”
“i am a child of divorce! i am delicate!”
“oh good, you can hear me. now i know i’m not a ghost.”
“nobody’s getting pregnant tonight!”
“boob season’s over for you!”
“there is something serious i have to tell you about the future. the name of my first-born child needs to be reginald veljohnson.”
“when you put it like that, it sounds amazing…and like prison.”
“i got an obligation…at a…sandwich meeting…to go to.”
“sorry to interrupt, i know the morning is the most sensual time of the day.”
“you’ve never been turned on by gas mileage?”
“so i have good news from the doctor—you don’t have rabies.”
“oh, look at the time! it’s butt-o-clock!”
“i’m a mess, i can’t sleep, i urinate constantly. i cried the other day listening to a techno song.”
“i’m not convinced i know how to read, i’ve just memorized a lot of words.”
“i’m staying positive, but i’m pretty sure this is where we die.”
“life’s messy. it kicks you in the ass. that’s right, i said ass.”
“you question my pajamas? you make me question our entire friendship!”
“i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack, and i haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my browser history.”
“you set fire to soda water. who does that? how do you even possibly do that? it’s not a flammable thing!”
“i’m gonna take you…respectfully.”
“i’m gonna have to turn off the tap! the sex tap!”
“have i ever made any decisions in my whole life? are we just living in the mind of a giant?”
“please take that off, you look like a homeless pencil.”
“why are you wearing a suit? did you just apply for a loan or something?”
“i used to just think if i was proposed to i would notice it was happening.”
“does it say ‘share stuff’ in the constitution of america? no, i think not.”
“where are your nipples, man?”
“i just wanted to listen to taylor swift alone!”
“i saw him this morning and he just panic-moonwalked away from me.”
“let’s just suck it up and french a little.”
“been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. it’s like a taffy pole on a hot summer’s day.”
“they make shoes for your penis! they’re called pants!”
“i can’t believe i’m the sober one. that’s actually never happened before in my life.”
“please do not angry-fix the sink.”
“you my boo and i been missing you.”
“i feel like i wanna murder someone and also i want soft pretzels.”
“can you believe the zoo wouldn’t let me borrow their white tiger?”
“first of all, you’re never gonna be old, humans are going to be immortal by 2016.”
“sandwiches and sex?! i want that!”
“are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch.”
“i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience.”
“this is a horrible neighborhood. there are youths everywhere!”
“guess whose personalized condoms just arrived?”
“damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!”
“i hope you appreciate the fact that i have kept eye contact with you the whole time and have made no reference to the fact that you are practically naked.”
“are you like a bond villain? you just told me your whole plan.”
“why does your hair look so baby soft?!”
“i sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.”
“did you just make up a theme song for yourself?”
jacobvanloon
areudirty
prguitarman
discoholicmusic
stormborns
pixelskylines
ellievsbear
