Dizzame Needs Your Help...
Hello everyone. You all know me as @dizzame from tumblr and that is the name that I hide behind, because I don’t want people to know who I am. I feel selfish doing this, but I hate every aspect of myself. I would rather pick my nose and think hatred thoughts about myself and life in general, than go and make something of myself like the rest of my family and society? Day after day, I wake up feeling the same way I felt before going to sleep, and there is nothing like waking up each and every day and still feel the same way you felt before going to sleep. I deeply hate myself!
I weigh 350 lbs, I have endless health problems, I have a dead end job, no friends, and I tried dating but it didn’t work out, because I met this person online and when she saw me in person she made up every excuse to leave. I tried on several occasions to lose weight, but I didn’t realize that starving myself to lose weight would cause me to collapse from a loss of energy; therefore I decided to start eating my Twinkies again. I get anxious thinking about eating and I lose all control..
I have this strange fear of going out and being seen by people and it’s like, being afraid that someone might acknowledge your existence. Life is a terrible mess for me, because I always mess everything up. I am a loser! As a kid I remember thinking that when I am an adult it will be great, because no one will pick on me and I can do what I like, but it didn’t work out the way I thought. I spend all my time lurking on tumblr like a mole and sending anons hoping that no one will figure out that it’s me,because I have an english pea size nut sack
I was raised that guys were to mask and hide their true emotions, because from an early age my parents taught me that boys don’t cry and play with dolls even though deep within me that is what I wanted to do. My parents told me that crying is for girls, and if you get hurt you better not cry or everyone will laugh at you. From then until now I am still that little kid that is afraid to cry and express emotion. I know how the emotional pain can be so intense it actually hurts physically. How am I supposed to like myself feeling like this when I can’t even figure out how to express myself without feeling shame?
I was raised in a white evangelical home and my family taught me the importance of being a strong conservative and I live by those principles everyday. I don’t want to disgrace my family and do something that will not be pleasing to them, because my god says that I should honor my parents.
There is one thing that I am ashamed to admit, but I struggle with it every day and it feeds the disgust that I have of myself. I am an old closeted gay male and nobody knows about my situation. Though being gay, I still walk, talk, look and act just like any straight guy you see and I am probably more masculine than most except my sexual attraction is with the same sex. I question myself everyday why and how I turned out like this. I hate my life because of my sexuality. It puts me onto an emotional roller coaster every time I think of it. My life is so empty!
Coming from a Christian family it’s hard for me, because I get mixed emotions when I see men with their partners hugging and laughing together. I feel sad, angry and depressed inside, because it’s what I want but I cannot have. My only network to meet anyone and have a relationship is the internet, because the sight of me is disgusting and no one wants a 350 lb male with health problems. I always judge people and give them a bad label, because I am jealous they are free and I am not.
I just want to come out to my family and friends. I want them to know who I really am, because I am tired of hiding my real identity. I know they will shun me and not accept me for who I am, because they are all homophobic and I am scared. I just want to live freely! I want to be me!
Please help me my handle on tumblr is @dizzame !
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