Talking to Myself @djtorado - Tumblr Blog

anxietyproblem

By @psych2go

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I never thought I was mentally exhausted

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Oh….

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This is…. oh

Random Anxieties

Thoughts that are making me unnecessarily anxious at the moment that I’m just trying to get out:

- I turned the key in the ignition to start my car but the first time it didn’t start. I thought that it died but when I tried again, it worked fine.

- My car feels kinda slow to accelerate. It feels like I need to press on the accelerator a little harder to get it going. I can’t tell if it’s really my car or the way I’m stepping on the pedal to accelerate it.

- In general, I just feel anxious about my performance in my new job. It does feel a bit slow at times and sometimes, I feel unproductive. It just feels like I’m not doing as much work as my coworkers or contributing as much but I am getting compliments here and there from my boss, manager and coworkers. On the positive side, I’m doing a better job asking questions. I’m still trying to fight the internal struggles of being shy to go up to a coworker to ask for help but I have noticed I’ve been more confident. I think I need to do a better job of approaching my manager and saying that I don’t have work and would like to contribute rather than wait until work comes to me. That’s definitely an internal struggle I need to overcome.

- My stomach has been gurgling and I’ve had some diarrhea the past week or so (no one is really reading this right? LOL). It’s kind of weird that my appetite hasn’t really changed much but coming out the other end hasn’t felt entirely great. I think eating bananas has been helping more though. Other than the watery stool, I feel normal but would wish the audible stomach gurgling would stop.

Writing out the anxieties is making me feel better. I’m hoping that I was just overthinking about some things and I won’t have to worry about them.

#personal #thoughts #letting thoughts out #anxiety

A New Beginning

This time last year, I was in a cabin on vacation with some of my closest friends. It was still before the lockdown and I had my old job. This time, it’s different; I will be starting my new job. To be honest, I’m a bit nervous and anxious about it. I feel like I will be going in blind because I don’t really know much about the position, my boss or my coworkers. I didn’t really get to ask questions during the interview and in all honesty, I still feel like I didn’t get the job. There’s a small part of me that believes that they actually chose the wrong person and it wasn’t supposed to be me. But I’m still going to go there and do the best that I can. I can’t make the same mistakes that I did at my old place and I have to be confident in myself and my abilities. I have to go in there and learn from everyone around me and prove that I do belong. It’s a new beginning and a different challenge but all I can do is be the best version of myself.

#personal

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Kobe

I still remember the day. It was a foggy Sunday morning. The night before, I watched the 76ers beat the Lakers and Lebron had just passed Kobe to be number 3 on the all time scoring list. Kobe congratulated him on Twitter. It felt like a normal day.

My best friend messaged me that Kobe died. I didn’t believe him at first but I also knew that he wouldn’t joke about something so serious. I looked throughout the internet for news but there were no reports yet, except for the one from TMZ. I read through the article and still didn’t really think it was true. But then, the news started pouring in. Other people started messaging me the same thing. It was bizarre. No way it was real. He was literally just tweeting last night. How could it be?

But it ended up being true. Normally, celebrity deaths don’t really affect me that much. I think the ones that stick out the most are Robin Williams and Chester Bennington. Maybe it’s the way they died. They weren’t that old. But Kobe’s death affected me the most. Part of it was definitely the way he left. It was so abrupt, so sudden. One day, he’s here, the next he’s gone. I think it affected me so hard because he was my childhood. My parents were the reason I watch basketball and got me into the Lakers. I watched basketball here and there but really got invested when the Lakers started winning championships in the early 2000s. I witnessed his career in the Lakers, from the threepeat with Shaq to the rape situation in the mid-2000s, to him almost leaving the Lakers and then staying to win two more championships, rupturing his Achilles and watching his final game where he scored 60 points. I know people like to point out his rape situation and I wish he handled things better but I personally like to believe he was sorry for it and tried to be a better person in the end.

With him gone, it truly felt like my childhood ended. Ironically enough, that’s when shit started getting worse in US with the coronavirus and a bunch of other things that didn’t pan out for me as the year went on. But now a year has passed and it still feels surreal. Kobe will always be my favorite basketball player no matter what and I’ll forever cherish the memories of watching him play basketball for the Lakers. It’s sad that he never got to do more of what he wanted to do after retirement; it’s even sadder that Gigi didn’t get to live her life. It even hurts how the other people involved in the accident had their lives cut short as well. I’ll always remember and think of January 26, 2020 as the day my childhood truly died but I won’t forget the memories and feelings of Kobe. Rest in Paradise Black Mamba (and to everyone else involved). Thank you always for the 20 years you gave your heart and soul to the Lakers, the city of LA and my own childhood. You’ll forever be the GOAT to me.

#personal #kobe bryant #black mamba