Countdown Begins! Time to Shake Off the Old!
Wow, I can't believe I only have one full day left in SD! It's so crazy to think how much I've changed over the years, and how many people have come and gone in my life. I think I'm ready to start fresh, but to be honest, it's hard living and moving on without addressing or confessing to the things I've done.
Now what's about to follow is a pretty demoralizing for me, but I really feel pressed on my heart to share this as an offering to God. So God, I give my all to you.
My name, Daniel, by definition states that "God is my Judge". Something that I struggle with in my life is the desire to please others. I always want to impress those around me, no matter the cost. This led to issues with pride and shamefulness, depending on the situation.
For some strange reason, this need to satisfy others made me do some crazy things. Not so much unique or just extravagantly crazy, but things that literally make no sense in a literal point of view.
Wow, I was such a weird lier. I kid you not, some of the things I lied about were so far fetched I don't even know how people talked to me. I would lie about my life, my background and circumstances that happened in my life. For example, this is a really long time ago, but this was something SO stupid I can't believe to this day I would even think about lying about it. So back in 8th(?) grade, I had a really close friend that lost an extended family member that was really close to her. I have NO idea why, but in order to catch her attention or to turn the pity party on myself, I lied that one of my extended family members passed away as well. That's just one of many examples of lying that caused me to lose close friends like the one in my example. SO many times I would lie, even about the most trivial things, to make myself look better, to put myself as the center of attention. And so, for those who are reading this, and who have ANY sense of a lie detector, I apologize. Even for the most trivial lies.
Now, there were instances in my life, believe it or not, where I was in the "center" of attention, where I was in the "in" as opposed to the "out". It's at these times where my pride takes over. I won't use an example on this one, but because of my associations, my friends, I would think highly of myself. I would wrongfully look down on others and straight up be a horrible person. I would be friendly and genuine to a person 1-on-1, but when it came to a group setting, I would reject or even humiliate the same person without regard to that person's feelings. Again, if you were a subject to this, I apologize, and ask for your forgiveness.
So at a certain point in my life, I had very sticky fingers. This was a very specific period of my life, because I remember I started to steal not for my benefit, but for the approval of a person that I honestly don't remember why I wanted approval from. It got so bad to the point where I started stealing from my friends; people that were so kind and genuine. I stole money, ipods, etc, but instead of keeping it all for myself, i'd give majority of it to that person I was trying to gain approval from. Through that experience, I lost the trust of some of the most admirable people I know, and I really don't know if I can gain their trust again. Even though after a certain point I returned whatever I could, the damage was done, and the trust was lost.
Shamefulness. One thing that I find to be a curse on our generation is communication via technology. Yes, while it can be used in a positive and efficient light, many times, I found myself hiding behind my computer and phone just to avoid human contact out of shamefulness.
When I think of shamefulness, one vivid example comes to mind. So at a certain point in my life, I was so paranoid of what others thought of me. I would dress a certain way in certain places, talk a certain way depending on the situation.
I can't think of a smooth transition into what I'm about to say, so here it is:
There was this girl (OMG yes, a girl) that I really liked. It was one of those genuine crushes where your knees would get weak and your speech would just be really awkward and what not. It'd be ok in a group setting, because it wasn't a 1-on-1 interaction, but yea I can't remember a time where we just talked, face to face. But anyways, we talked a lot; not in person, but via chat or text messages. I never gave a hint (I think) about my feelings, but I began to pour out my life to this person. And it was at this time that I was doing the stealing and what not, and I confessed that to her. But being the sane minded person that she is, this person probably didn't understand me at all. This guy, who approached her as a friend and was pouring out his sins and wrongdoings, didn't even speak to her in person when he had the chance.. that's just plain weird, isn't it?
Anyways, this person and I don't talk anymore, at least not like we used to. This is a result of shamefulness. Yes, the fact that I stumbled in speech when I saw her played a role, but knowing that she knew what I had done really put me in shame. On top of that, because of other factors that revolved around the situation, I couldn't approach her, ashamed about what others might say or do. I was a coward, caring more about my image in an outwardly sense, rather than investing on what could have been an awesome friendship.
Trust me, this is not the full extent of my wrongdoings during my time in SD. But these are things that were heavy on my heart, and felt moved to share them. And the thing is, I'm not ashamed to fess up about any of this. Why? Because God is my only judge. I've reached a stage in my life where I only care about the image I present to my Father. Yes, I know without a doubt that I will be judged for the things I've confessed here. But God was leading me to come clean so that I would not fall into the same lifestyle when I hit NY. This is what I've done. I'm not ashamed. Why? Because God has changed me nothing else matters now but the integrity I have in He who gives me strength.
Here's to a NEW life in NY.
