It’s ironic how it can be your birthday and you can feel more alone and unacknowledged than you would on a normal day. This is the first birthday I’ve felt so alone. Even when people say “happy birthday” and perhaps give random compliments. But really caring? Not felt. Other things take priority, like other birthdays (and it seems it’s also everyone else’s birthday today or within a few days- and that’s great I get to share with awesome people, but still ) and whatever other people have planned. You can go to lunch with someone that asks to take you, but they seem completely uninterested in conversation or being there with you and more concerned with getting back to the rest of their life. It feels like I’m an obligation, like it’s “right” to say happy birthday and to maybe take me to lunch or something, but I can feel that the true interest and care isn’t there. I feel the emptiness of it. One person offered to do dinner. One. One person offered to come do drinks. That’s two. Which is better than 0, and I’m grateful for them, but these weren’t even the people in my every day life. I am so thankful for them…but I have to wonder- where were the every day people? The lunch person was sort of one, but it didn’t seem like they even wanted to be there…at least not with me. The things people have said they would do did not really happen, or they didn’t care to reach out except for their own plans for the weekend that they want to see if I’m attending. The people closest in my life? They didn’t offer to do anything, or even ask what my plans were. One did, but they took me to lunch and seemed like they wanted it to be done already. I wasn’t feeling well so I did not take up the two on dinner or drinks. I did do dinner with my mom and 2 friends last weekend as a birthday thing, along with some fun things with my mom- that was all her planning, and she’s amazing. It’s more *today* that I am talking about though.
People have asked me to do task related things this weekend and not necessarily considered that I might have Birthday plans. Even after I have mentioned I might. And with all of this mentioned so far, let me say I have great people in my life, hence why it feels even more bothersome than if I expected it. Let me also say in no way am I blaming anyone or anything for making my birthday less. Stay with me here, promise it’s worth it.
I have had several people send loving texts which means so much. It’s the little things that can end up meaning the most, and feeling sincere love and care from some people felt very nice. I am so grateful to each of you who took the time on text, Facebook, or face to face to say anything, especially when there was love behind it.
Overall though…even with some contact that felt genuine…it feels lonely. It feels lacking love. I’m not complaining, and I’m so grateful for the love I did feel, but I’m just allowing a look into someone’s real life - no rosy filter but true openness. I know I’m not alone, and I want to give some perspective here. I always step back and ask God what He is doing and try to see how He is moving when things seem hurtful, difficult, or not what I would like. I do the same even when things are great, but in the more difficult things, I know there is some reason or something I need to see, and there always is. It’s always something beautiful that God is teaching and doing. He has moved me away from finding my fulfillment and joy through people in other seasons and situations- and it’s always when He is moving the most…and He has shown me that very clearly before. Understand this is not saying finding joy with people is bad. I am saying that God sometimes removes you from things that will distract or hinder your growth, and sometimes that means people- especially if people pleasing or things like fully jumping into relationships ( romantic or platonic) are distractions or things that are hindering growth. He does this when He has something to do, something to say, and is taking us, at least in my experience, to new places. Consider, given all of the above and more things that made me feel insignificant that were not mentioned…this-
But perhaps the things that happened that did not feel good happened because the celebration needs to not be about me. I need to die to self, and know on this day to just rely on and spend time with God. Maybe this is my reminder that I am His vessel and that the praise should not be mine in a way, even on my birthday. That the praise will no longer be mine, but always His. Even in the times that society would say are “my day” it’s not about me and shouldn’t be ever again. I know God is working doing new things in me, taking me to new levels. All I can think is the old is falling away and God is teaching me in all ways to die to myself to live fully for Him and the next level He is taking me. I know it’s coming, I’ve felt and seen God taking me on this path for years now and I see where it is, ever so slightly, He is taking me…and many have confirmed that. It’s scary, sometimes lonely, and sometimes painful…but such is the refining process of the diamond. It is a very strenuous process- google it- and why would God not put those who shine his light through a process to be refined too, just like a diamond?
Perhaps, on this anniversary of the day I began my life outside the womb, I should be giving thanks to and spending time with my Creator, the One who has loved me and had plans for me since before I was even born into this world. The One who gave me life and died to save mine. Perhaps, that is what a Birthday should really be about, and not about celebrating ourselves, but celebrating His gift of life and all He has done in it and through it. Perhaps, He moved me to feel and be alone today so that I would come closer to Him on this Birthday as He continues to work so much in my life more every year. As I have been walking through some very difficult things in the past month, I have seen more and more that God is making it where I need to come to Him for everything. All of it. And lay it all down for Him, without holding on to any of it. It is difficult, but it is an honor to know He is calling me to Himself in it all. That He wants to take me beyond my flesh into a place where I am so close to Him and can shine His light brighter. I am looking to God and letting Him mold me now and always. I’m grateful that instead of letting me get caught up in the world and people, He directs me to Him. He directs me to places where I can go deeper and seek Him more. He is refining, for a new place and a level I don’t even feel ready for. This is the prep…but to whom much is given, much is expected. It’s worth the process. God is good and has more for each of us than we even know. I’m learning to be thankful for the process, even when it hurts. After all, Jesus gave it all for us…who am I to not give what He asks and trust His process? If He wants this day to be a day of seeking Him more and spending time alone with Him, what a true gift that is that the Creator of the Universe- the Creator of Heaven and Earth- who created everything from the largest most complicated things to the tiniest of details- the One who spoke the world into existence and breathed life into our lungs- the One who loves us so much that He was willing to endure all the things involved with the cross- would want to spend the day I was born into this world with me? It can be easy to overlook that and get caught up in the world, but when we see it, oh how beautiful it is.
*update: after writing this, I was searching for a relevant image to share it on Instagram. I found this, very interesting things here: https://rcg.org/articles/abcc.html