Hiding In Barrels

Dmitri Ivanov || 27 || Smuggler

[dmitri-ivanov]

Fuck! // Open

[illcomeifconvenient]

The words hurt just as much as ever, but it didn’t change the way Sonny felt about his brother,only added to his guilt. “I…you can’t think that if you want, I don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve you ever but…you’ll always be family to me…my only family D.” Sonny sighed, wishing that he could take this whole year back, start over with the knowledge he had now, with a clearer head.

Sonny’s breath hitched as Dmitri stared at him. The first real eye contact he’d gotten from the man, and then to hear his name. Not his birth name, his name, Sonny, and not said in anger and fury but more like a plea. He swallowed hard, not sure what to say to it, just staring back at the Russian. Why coulnd’t it be like it always was? They’d fight and then go back to normal. He knew the answer. It coulnd’t be like that because Sonny had gone too far, too many times “I mean it…I’m fucking useless without you” He whispered, in the same childlike tone, dropping his eyes to the floor in shame, knowing that he should be better, stronger, but it was the truth. He needed Dmitri more than he needed air or water. Still looking at the floor he was completely caught off guard when Dmitri collided into him, and he gasped, frozen for the moment. He felt relief floor through him like nothing he’d ever felt before and he couldn’t speak, he barely managed to lift his heavy arms but once he did, he breathed a sigh of relief. He pulled his brother in tight, holding on to him like Dmitri was the only thing keeping him from falling off the face of the Earth, because, in reality, he was. “I..I know…I love you D, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry”

[dmitri-ivanov]

"Vy amerikanskiy ublyudok." Dmitri grumbled in thick Russian, his breath hard against his ribs as he closed his eyes and just let the comfort finally seep through. The walls were too hard to keep holding, the days too much a drag on his weary soul. He could barely cope with the scars that adorned his now derelict body, let alone pushing the only people he had left away, even if they were toxins that seemed to continue to break him down more as the years passed.

"Just shut up." He whispered, pulling away and wiping his tears away with his sleeve as he sniffed and tried to be more mainly than he sounded. He knew Sonny needed him, but more than ever, he needed his best friend, he needed people who could remind him for what he was and tell him that all hope wasn't lost. That Jay's punishment didn't strip everything from him. "I'll never forgive you...but I'm sick...I'm sick of being angry."

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

Kira looked up at Dmitri as he peeled his shirt off his body. She saw the scars and bruises but couldn't make herself care. He was still Dmitri. Her handler, her lover and her son's father. She loved him as much if ever - maybe more. She sighed happily as he came back down to her, hovering over her as they kissed.

When he broke away again, her hands came to the back of his neck, pulling him down so their foreheads pressed together. She heard her name from his lips and a staggered breath left her throat. Shed heard her name since he came back and it was unsettling. Its not the name she wanted to hear. Then she locked eyes with him. She was begging him in her head to not change his mind, to let this happen. "Yes, my love?"

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri let out a breath of surprise as she pulled him closer, his eyes widening before relaxing at the familiar feel. It wasn't like the months had paved over his memory. He stayed hovering over her, his hands desperately pawing at his belt and buttons, trying to undo them as quickly as the moment would allow. But then her question came and he paused, his mouth opening and closing as he tried to find the right words to say.

"I love you."

[dmitri-ivanov]

Fuck! // Open

[illcomeifconvenient]

Sonny shook his head slowly but confident. “No….I won’t leave you alone, and neither is Kira or Ricky…because we’re family D and at least this  family, is not going to leave you” The tears broke through Sonny’s anger and he couldn’t stand watching his brother so broken. He wanated to hug him, tell him how sorry he was again, but he feared it would just end up with Dmitri screaming even more at him. “Come on..get up, there’s glass everywhere D…” he said as a soft command. “I’ll go if you want, but not until I know you’re gonna be alright…for now. I can’t lose you again you know…I’ll go through with it this time.” He whispered the last line as his thoughts wandered back to Dmitri’s grave and how desperately along he’d felt with that gun on his chin.

[dmitri-ivanov]

"...You're not family. Not anymore." Dmitri grumbled. Facts didn't change and the fact was, not only did Sonny break nearly all his promises, but he also slept with the woman he loved, the same woman he'd slept with before. How could he ever really? How many betrayals could he take, how long would he spend his life forgiving Sonny only to be burnt again.

Still, he listened swaying on his feet. Then he looked at the man, really looked at him, blue eyes shimmering as he stared into familiar browns. "Sonny.." whispered, almost childlike. It was hard, too hard, to keep hating someone when all he really wanted was for them to be friend again. Part of him held onto the grudge, knowing that no one else would ever let something like that past. But the other knew that he craved company, the companionship and care of his best friend. They'd been through so much together that it was just hard, too hard, to put that aside for his justified anger. 

"Sonny...I fucking hate you." 

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

Kira screeched slightly as Dmitri's hand ravished for her thighs and before she knew it she was hoisted onto his waist and wrapped her legs around him. Her kisses moved to his jaw and then his neck feverishly, in desperate need to connect with him again.

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri nearly hummed at the kiss on his jaw and neck, for the first time a tease of a smile playing on his lips. He stumbled towards the bed, tumbling into it and lowering Kira as he did so. For a brief moment he pulled away, shredding his shirt away, too lost in the moment to care for his scars and injuries, still fresh and red. Instead, he pressed his lips firmly against her, wanting again to lose himself in the euphoria for physical contact before breaking for breath.

His hooded eyes met hers and he felt like he was in the shadow of the past, with a woman who hadn't yet betrayed him, who he loved as much as he could anyone. "Kira..."

[ianwesleys]

[dmitri-ivanov]

Fuck! // Open

[illcomeifconvenient]

"Hey, I never said I was sane, but I also never said I was a father! You want Kira to trust you, you want to make him proud, make him smile and want to be around you? The fucking sober up and start acting like a proper father, like a man. You think you were despicable before, for bringing those girls over? Well, not taking care of your son is far worse." It was hard, so hard to say these words, but Sonny knew Dmitri needed to hear them. And he needed to say them, Dmitri would never forgive Sonny anyway, so he might as well be the one to yell at him. he wanted to comfort the crying man, but was a little scared if he touched him Dmitri would flip out. But as his voice cracked and he announced his own death Sonny couldn’t take it anymore and reached out, putting his hand on Dmitri’s knee lightly, to test it out first. "No, you’re not. You are very much alive, you will always survive, for him, for your  son, because he needs his father. You are still in there D, you have to be.”

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri stared at Sonny silent for a moment as he digested all that was been thrown at him. His crazed eyes calmed, mind sobering as much as he could, but the angry didn't deplete. While it was all true and he knew it, it didn't help reconcile the Russian's broken trust towards the mercenary and if anything, he hated being lectured by a man who was far worse than he could ever be.

The warm hand on his knee made him twitch, but he did nothing other than stare blankly at the wall, trying to both process and figure out how he felt about the whole thing. "...Leave me alone." He finally grumbled, though it was unconvincing as tears streamed down his face and he curled in on himself, just wishing the world could swallow him up. As much as he knew he had to clean up for his son, he wasn't sure if he could do it, if he could be the father that Sonny was telling him to be. It was just so hard.

"I just want you all to leave me alone."

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

Kira moaned as he hands were freed and they clasped to the side of Dmitri's neck as she continued to lock lips with his, her tongue exploring his mouth. She broke connection long enough to allow her shirt to come off, exposing skin and her lace bra. She buried herself back into him as she pushed him towards their bedroom.

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri sighed happily at the familiar feeling of his lover's hands on his neck, his hands eager to touch another person's flesh after such a long time. He took a deep breath as she moved away, following her to the bedroom while still clinging onto her, hands clamouring for her legs to hoist her up around him. It might of been a while, but he wasn't so lost that he forgot how to do this.

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

She found her love's eyes as they searched hers. She wanted to make sense of what was happening. But a bigger piece of her wanted to ignore logic and reason and just feel. Feel him. Feel anything.

She didn't have time to ask for clarification before Dmitri's lips her on hers again. She breathed in every inch of him that she could, her brain firing at every feeling, every memory of them being together. Kira melted into Dmitri's embrace, wishing he'd let go of her hands as they died to explore him

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri's hands slacked and let go of her's, moving instead to her hips and pulling her closer into his arms as he continued to kiss her hungrily, wanting more contact, more touch to make him feel alive. His fingers searched the hem of her shirt, trying to tug it off without breaking contact. For as long as he was drunk and angry he could do this, he had to.

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

She couldn't feel her feet or her body as she was being pushed into the hall. She moaned happily against Dmitri's lips as he pinned her, keeping her hands from being able to further explore her love's body.

Then he broke away, and Kira gasped for breath as he looked at her. She shattered as she figured he was realizing what was happening and didn't want to be a part of it. "I'm - I'm sorry. I just -- I couldn't --" she couldn't make the words form, feeling embarrassed and hurt at his rejection.

[dmitri-ivanov]

Even as Dmitri pulled away, his body still pressed against her, hands still holding hers up. His eyes searched hers, trying to understand what she wanted from him, trying to work out what he wanted. "No...that's not..." 

He took a moment to take a breath, trying to push away the alcohol but it came back like a fog, telling him to follow his libido if nothing else. So he did, leaning back towards her and pressing his lips against hers, wanting the present to fade away and give away to the past again.

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

She couldn't breathe. She didn't really want to. She panted and whimpered as she pressed into Dmitri as much as she could. She didn't want to let go. She wanted this and needed this more than anything before. She needed to be one with him again and pretend even if only for a minute - that things were normal.

She wouldn't push it though. She left hints through moans and her fingers threading through his hair telling him what she wanted. Dmitri was the only person she could ever give control to. And he needed it more than she did right now.

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri was lost for a long moment, his body doing things his mind had barely thought about. His arms came around to her waist, holding her closer to him as they stumbled out of the room and into their hall, his feverish needs making him sloppy and ending up with the Russian pushing his lover against the wall.

Her moans spurred him on and pressed hard, his hands searching for hers and pinning them against the wall as he pulled away slightly to catch his breath. He panted hard, bloodshot eyes staring at Kira in a mix of confusion and struggle. "W..wha..."

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

Kira immediately felt awful for slapping him. It was the last thing he needed. At the same time, Kira didn't need this either and he was pushing every last button she had.

"I know you wouldn't intentionally. But you have a short fuse right now. I can't risk it. And there will be /no/ drinking around him. Understood?" She was putting her foot down, knowing full well Dmitri would never allow her around their son if she was high.

He finally looked at her - really looked at her. Her heart jumped and broke at the same time. She couldn't do it anymore - be tough and strong alone. Her wants and impulses got the better of her as she closed the space between them. She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing her lips to his for the first time in months.

[dmitri-ivanov]

"...Understood." Dmitri grumbled softly, not that he'd ever intended to drink in front of his son. He wasn't completely lost to himself or humanity. 

He couldn't hold her gaze long, sniffing to hold the tears back as he felt like a monster once more. Would they ever have the happiness they use to? Could he ever be himself again, or was what he kept claiming true, that he was dead through and through. He had little time to think it through when Kira was suddenly before him, her arms around him and lips against his, as if nothing had happened, as if it was just the two of them again.

Dmitri let himself buy into the lie. He was still a man after all and it was no lie that all those months, he'd been craving his lover, wanting just this. So he pushed back, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around her as the alcohol buzzed through his system, suppressing his fears and memories for a few precious moments. 

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

She couldn't stop it. An open hand came up, cracking Dmitri across his face. "Don't you dare!" She yelled, tears pouring down her face. How long was she going to pay for that? "Do not talk to me like I'm some kind of whore, Dmitri!" He knew about her coping skills. He knew her better than anyone.

"I never said that you had wanted to be gone, Dmitri. I'm aware it wasn't in your control. But don't you date talk to be like I font know what you went through. Not me, Dmitri." She took a step back as she shook her head. "You're here because I want you to be. Because I love you and I want you here. Because Ricky needs his father. What he doesn't need is an alcoholic lunatic being drunk around him all the time. I can't leave him with you until I can trust you're not going to blow up at him or around him, Dmitri. I will protect that little boy from anyone...including you."

"I'm not taking him from you. But I won't endanger him. Hes all I've got."

[dmitri-ivanov]

The slap stung hard against his cheek, and for a split second he found it hilarious, a smirk crossing his lips. How typical, would anything end without him being hit in some way? First Chloe and now Kira. Still he had nothing as she spoke, swaying a little from the booze as he held onto the crib, glass crunching and cutting through his bare feet.

It just felt like words, endless, meaningless words. She knew and yet she didn't know. When he was taken in, he had everything and slowly, it was all stripped away. To let go of those parts of yourself, to truly be broken till you are nothing but dust, purposeless. It was a feeling like no other. "...I would never, ever, hurt my son." He whispered, almost feeble now as he pulled away from her, the sting still prominent on his red cheek. The idea that he would ever lay a hand on his boy hurt more than any physical wound.

But there was no way to express how he felt, so instead he pulled his eyes, raw and red to look into her's, shimmering with hurt, desperation and frailty, but also begging for rescue.

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

As Dmitri came toe to toe with her, her fists shook and her jaw clenched. He hated him like this. He was irrational and illogical and she didn't know what to believe. "Excuse me? I had /one/ cigarette /one/ time, Dmitri. And I never did the coke, did I?" She looked over at her sons crib covered in vodka and glass. "I'm also not the one making my sons bed smell like a saloon because I'm throwing a fucking temper tantrum."

Kira shook her head as he complained. "Because its my decision, Dmitri. Who he stays with, who cares for him and its usually my sister or yours. Because I carried him, Dmitri. I nearly died delievering him - and don't think its lost on me that you never cared about that part. I sat in the nicu with him while he struggled to breathe. I brought him home feeding him, caring for him and staying up with him while he screamed all night. So yeah, I get to decide who watches him."

Then he did it. He blamed her. Like she always knew he would but it killed her that he really thought this was her fault. "And how, exactly am I bringing you to drink, Dmitri?"

[dmitri-ivanov]

"Oh forgive me, you didn't do coke, just my best friend instead." Dmitri bit back, though he retreated at the comment about the crib. It'd been a bout of drunken anger and he was all the more furious at himself for ruining his son's room, but it didn't change the reasons why he was anger, the injustice being thrown at him.

"..Right..you did all that...because where was I? That's right, I was getting beaten, and starved and ra..." He choked on the word, squeezing his eyes shut and curling his fingers into tight fists. She didn't understand, how much he wish he was there, that he could of watched over his son night and day, how many times he'd dreamed of just seeing the little man's face. "Why am I even here then? What's the point, evidently, all he needs is you...I'm just that man who lives here."

"Y...you're taking him away from me."

[dmitri-ivanov]

Fuck! // Open

[illcomeifconvenient]

"Well,  I mean, no..no it’s not, D…It’s not like that…" Sonny’s muscles tensed as he threw up his hands, getting more and more frustrated by the man who seemed to be mad at him for all the wrong reasons.

At the shout Sonny lost it, ” NO!” he shouted, before leaning forward and giving Dmitri a look ususally reserved for interrogation type situations, cold, and commanding. “Listen to me Dmitri Ivanov, what the hell do you think you are doing? Huh? You have a son! A son, who needs you and wants you. You have a girl that’s hopelessly in love with you and waited so long to get you back. You are not some fucking drunk that smashes bottles of vodka in his son’s nursery, you are not going to stay in this apartment for the rest of your life scared and throwing a pity party. You are a man, you are a strong, smart, funny, loving, forgiving, patient man. And I don’t care what you went through, you are still Dmitri, now stop it. STop it right now. You can hate me for what I’ve done but Ricky doesn’t deserve this pathetic slob as a father.”

[dmitri-ivanov]

Dmitri turned away from the glare, his eyes turning to the ground as his shoulders slumped and he bore the brunt of Sonny's yell.  For a long moment he didn't say anything, torn between just breaking down from the truth of it all or lashing out in frustration of the hypocrisy. In the end he chose a little of both.

"Fuck you, don't act like you're the paragon of sanity." Dmitri grumbled, curling into himself, shaking his head roughly as tears continued to dribble down his cheeks, a never ending flow of sorrow.

"...Dmitri is dead."

[soviet--soldier-deactivated2014]

The tears were immediate and her hands started to clench. "You wanna run that by me again?" She took deliberate, hard steps towards him, her blood boiling in anger and confusion. "I am not keeping him from you. You've been with him every /fucking/ day, Dmitri. You expect me to leave you /alone/ with him!? When you're constantly drinking all the time!?"

Here breath caught in her throat at his final confession. "You -- you --" she couldn't even get it out. "You don't mean that, Dmitri."

[dmitri-ivanov]

"You heard me." He growled, standing up to her evenly, not caring how much a wreck he looked, the least intimidating man in the world at the moment. "You judge me? You, the woman who smoked and tried to take cocaine while carrying my son, you tell me that I can't be alone with him? That I'm not safe. Look in the fucking mirror!"

"He's my boy...how can you l-leave him with Chloe..with Sonny, with everyone but me." Dmitri gave a snort of laughter at her shock, shaking his head and turning away from her, the glass crunching underneath his feet as he stared down at the ground. "Don't I? Who do you think is making me drink? Clue...it's someone in this room."

[dmitri-ivanov]

Fuck! // Open

[illcomeifconvenient]

Sonny’s face dropped, head shaking, “No D…I wasn’t trying to take him from you. I would never take him from you. I call him Little D, because that’s what he is, a little version of you. I told him about you everyday, haven’t you seen the list on the fridge? The last thing on that list is ‘make sure to tell Ricky about his daddy every day’. I never would take him from you, not after…not after everything.” Sonny sighed, settling back on his haunches, unsure what else he could say that could do any good at all.

[dmitri-ivanov]

"Oh yeah? Isn't that just because you didn't like the name? Because you thought you knew better than his actual father?" He didn't hide the bitterness in his tone, too tired and drunk to be anymore civil. If he ever could be to his former friend anymore. 

"JUST LEAVE ME!" He finally roared, gripping his hair tightly. He just wanted to be alone with his sorrows and problems, to not have to answer to people and hold their pity. He just wanted to self destruct and be left to his own misery.

[dmitri-ivanov]

Fuck! // Open

[illcomeifconvenient]

Sonny, a little less cautiously than he should have, burst into the living room, eyes searching wildly as he called for his brother. Not seeing him, he stalked down the hall to the bedroom he used to share with Kira, kicking the bathroom door open as he went, and making sure no one was in there. Dmitri’s drunken stumbling perked his ear and he turned to the nursery, gun raised ready to smile as he took out whoever it was that was touching the man he’d lost too many times already. But, as the door pushed open, he saw only Dmitri, kneeling, glass everywhere, the room, reeking of alcohol. He quickly did a once over of the room, just to make sure no one else was here before hurrying to Dmitri’s side.

It felt natural to him to drop to his knees and put his hands out to comfort Dmitri but half way through, he froze, the Russian’s angry words coming back to him. I don’t ever want to see you again. Sonny dropped his hands, scooting back a little, “No one…no ones trying to take him from you D…” he mumbled, wondering if he should just leave, or if he even could.

[dmitri-ivanov]

For a long moment Dmitri said nothing, just saying out at the crib, his tears drying on his cheeks as he felt a familiar figure fall down next to him. Now his hate was split between telling Sonny to piss off and continue to lament his distance from his son. 

Slowly, he turned his gaze to the dark haired man, eyes cold and dead. "Really? I thought you were thief number one."