I fucking hate limbo.
Like genuinely, just tell me where I stand. I can deal with the truth. It might hurt like fuck, but I can deal with it. What my brain absolutely cannot deal with is silence and having to fill in the blanks myself, because trust me, that little bastard will come up with 847 different scenarios and approximately none of them are pleasant.
The stupid thing is, I don't need constant communication. I don't need to talk every day. I don't need updates on what you're doing or where you are. Go live your life. Be busy. Disappear into your own little world for a bit. I genuinely get it.
But sometimes?
It would just be nice to know I crossed your mind.
A random message. A meme. A "hope you're okay". A "can't people today, speak soon". Literally fucking anything .
I think that's what I've been trying to work out lately.
I don't necessarily miss more communication. I miss feeling wanted.
I miss someone reaching for me without me reaching first.
And somewhere along the way I started filtering myself. I stopped sending the random shit I'd normally send without thinking. Stopped sharing every stupid thought that fell out of my brain. Started asking myself "do they actually need to know this?" instead of just wanting to tell them because they're my person.
That's probably the bit that hurts the most.
When did I stop feeling like I could just be completely, ridiculously, unapologetically me?
I've spent far too much time wondering whether I'm too much. Whether I expect too much. Whether I care too much. Whether I should just be better at shutting the fuck up and getting on with it.
Maybe I am too much for some people.
But making myself smaller isn't really the answer either.
So I've said what I needed to say. I've reached out. I've left the door open.
And now I have to do the thing I'm spectacularly shit at...
Nothing.
No more messages. No "just checking you're okay". No finding another excuse to reach out because actually I just desperately want a response.
The ball isn't in my court anymore.
And fuck me, part of me wants to run over there, steal the ball back and launch it directly at their head 😂
But I won't.
Because you can't keep fighting for something on your own.
And if this is the end, it's going to fucking hurt. I'm not going to pretend it won't.
I can love someone.
I can miss them.
I can desperately want them to come back.
And I can still stop chasing them.
Apparently we're calling that growth...
Personally, I think it's fucking shit. 😂❤️
