Even though I sleep well most nights, Iām still tired. Sometimes the whole day.
Iām still trying to find my routine. For sure, at 08:00 each morning Iām driving Mum to school and picking her up again at 15:00ā¦
Other than that, itās all about whatever I can do to keep myself occupiedā¦ Look for work, think about my career, visit a friend, take Alex for a drive, clean the pool, swim in the pool, check the surf or think.Ā
Todayās been a thinking dayā¦..Ā I miss my dog.
Itās a very long story, one that I wouldnāt want to bore you with the finer details of, but in the end, I was once a proud father, but now my 5 year old baby is with her mum in Dresden and I am here in Ocean Shores.
I miss her every single day.
Some days are worse than others. I canāt go a day without thinking about her. She was my life. Thereās usually 2 questions that roll around in my headā¦ Ā āwhat is she doing/feeling now, without me?ā and āwhat would we do together if she was here?ā.
I well up thinking about these questions, and usually distract myself immediately so as not to cry.
My ex and I agreed early on we wouldnāt post pictures of her or discuss/post about her online. We wanted something private just for ourselves. That decision was made back when I was touring a lot and we had plenty of fans around.
I donāt know if that rule applies to me now, and while I do want to respect my exās wishes (our wishes), I also feel that I should write something down, document my feelings and try to process thisā¦ Writing has helped me with a few things so far, why not with my grief?
I guess in the end, I have to get used to the idea that sheās no longer my dog.Ā
I mean, I never had any official paperwork with my name on it saying I owned the āpropertyā that was our dog (how could I? It was all in German anyhow!!!). Officially, I have no say in where she lives and who she lives with.
In fact, I didnāt want a dog at first. Iāve always been scared of themā¦ Terribly afraid because when I was very young, our own dog (in Melbourne in 1984-85) scared the living shit out of me too many timesā¦ So I have always had reservations about dog ownershipā¦
That was until the little brown ball of fur came into my lifeā¦ I loved that little puppy like my life depended on it.
Although I may not be registered as her father, I love her like one.
I am her Daddy. I always will be.
I trained her, I took care of her, I loved her. And I was very proud to do so. She is amazingā¦
I trained her to skateboard, paddle board and hang with me in the studio (yes, I even have videos of her singing along with me). She could travel all over Europe with me, visit any number of famous locations and take it all in her stride. Sheās walked Venice, urban swam in Bern, had tourist photos at Checkpoint Charlie and been photographed by more Japanese tourists than I can care to rememberā¦
I taught her how to give hugs on command. Sheād pull me in and wrap her little paws around me, it was the sweetest hug anyone could ever getā¦ I miss themā¦
She is a real beautiful talented little girlā¦
But maybe the most important thing was, what she did for me.
When āmy daughterā came into my life, I had just stopped drinking (6 months earlier). I was still trying to find the new āmeā in a world where all my friends and band members drank regularly around me. I was fine with everyone drinkingā¦. However, if anyone who has stopped drinking (or doing drugs) knows, when that crutch is no longer in your life, when you have nothing to hid behind anymore, you learn more about yourself than ever beforeā¦
She gave me love, strength and courage to do things I was scared or worried to doā¦ She gave me reason to liveā¦
If this was an AA meeting, Iād say she was my sponsor.
I received unconditional love no matter how bad I felt in a social situation that made me uncomfortable. She looked up to me for guidance, and in doing so, guided me to feeling more comfortable in my uncomfortable skin.
I wasnāt afraid to go places when she was with me. I wasnāt worried about what people would think, or how I would feel or thinkā¦ I was happy because she was by my side, and she surely was happy having me take her places and give her treats.
Now that I no longer have that team, that partnership, that unconditional love, I hurt.
I worry if I can do anything without anxiety anymore. Can I step out of my comfort zone without her??
Well surely I have come along way in the past 5 years. Still aināt drinking, still learning all the time how to deal with my inner struggles. But without her, it feels harderā¦ I struggle without her constant love and companionship.
I never thought in all my years, that a dog would be so important to meā¦ She still isā¦
The last time I saw her was in late June. I decided to take control of how and when I let her go free. I arranged my dearest and trusted friend to meet with us, and I could pass āmy daughterā overā¦ And my friend could walk her to my exās place.
The idea of passing her over directly, that would have been too muchā¦ I couldnāt do it. It was hard enough just to pass her to my friend. It took a long time, a hell of a lot of tears (in public no less). The idea of giving this beautiful thing away hurt me to my core.
She knew something was up. She was quiet and attentive. She could read me like a bookā¦ I tried to say āgoodbyeā, but the words could barely come out. I know I said āI love youā as often as my tears would allow.
When I made the decision to leave Europe, I knew Iād miss a lot of people and places. I knew I had to give up a lot of thingsā¦ At that moment, that day in June, it all came to a head.
If, at the time, I was still on the fence about moving, Iād have stayedā¦ I wouldnāt have been able to let her go (I still havenāt)ā¦ But as all the plans had been made, and I knew my Mum was waiting for me, I had to do it. I had to keep moving forwardā¦ No matter how much it hurtā¦
My last image of my girl is her walking away with someone we both trusted. (she has the sweetest little butt). I ran after them down the street (crying like a fool), but she didnāt look back.
She didnāt know that was the last time sheād see meā¦ How could she, sheās a dog! She doesnāt understandā¦ But I doā¦ And it hurts to think about how she feels without me in her life.
I have not had a photo or an update sinceā¦ Itās been 4 long monthsā¦
I wake up everyday wondering if my ex would see things my way and send her to meā¦ Maybe sheād have a change of heart, or maybe her circumstances have changedā¦ My ex knows Iām waitingā¦Ā
Hope is the last to dieā¦
Originally I wanted to write an update on how our new life down here was going, but I canāt get āmy daughterā out of my mind, so I figured Iād write about herā¦ Maybe in a few days I can express more about our life here, but for now, my beautiful four legged girl is all I can or want to think about.
I cried while writing this, and Iāll cry again if I have to proof read it again (so Iāll get Alex to do that!).Ā
I just want to process this pain and replace it with love and happiness for our pastā¦ I really want to smile when I think about her, and laugh about her silly ways, but Iām not readyā¦ I realised now, I still have more grieving to doā¦Ā
I hope writing things down helpsā¦
