Alone. - Namjoon x Reader
Warnings: Mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, and self harm.
N/A: Hey! This is my first BTS imagine, and my first work in over 3 years. I hope you enjoy this. I would love to take requests, but seeing as I’m still in the army I might not be available to upload that much.
Mental health is so important. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who support you.
This was written with RM’s mono playlist in mind, but is heavily inspired by Lovely - Billie Eilish ft. Khalid.
You take another deep breath as you roll out of bed, sleep still lacing your mind, the rain tapping gently against your window.
You stumble to the bathroom, brushing your teeth hastily, splashing your face with water and combing your hair back into the messy bun you were usually spotted with.
Pulling a fresh black pair of joggers and a long sleeve black shirt out of your wardrobe to replace the ones you’ve been wearing all weekend, you breathe again, the thought of the work awaiting you clouding your mind and few minutes later you’re on your way out, picking up 8 coffees from your usual coffee shop, and entering the big grey building you’ve spent the past three days dreading your return to.
You were BTS’s assistant for around three years now. Some would say you have the perfect job, you would most likely disagree. Traveling around the world, eating out in the best restaurants, visiting beautiful places, and the pay was not bad at all. All that, only in exchange for taking care of coffee runs, managing personal problems for the boys, and making sure they stay focused and get all they need.
They were always so nice. Always apologizing for making you do things, even though that’s what you’re getting paid to do.
They were definitely not your problem.
There was no problem in sight.
Just your head. Just the thoughts.
You hand Hoseok his coffee and greet him good morning, only to be answered so cheerfully you’re struggling to grasp how he could be this happy, this time, on a Monday.
“Somebody is surprisingly happy today” you say as you lean against the desk he’s seated next to, waiting for his reply.
“Just had a good weekend, you know? Friday’s practice was great, Jin’s family was in town, they invited the members to dinner, It’s so rare now that we do that. Oh, and I finally had my mom listen to the new track I’ve been working on.” He smiles at you, a smile so genuine it’s almost offensive, and you smile back.
“How was yours?” He asks and you nod,
“Y/N, could you please go check on Namjoon? He hasn’t left his studio yet and won’t let us in, I’m getting worried.” Jungkook’s worried face appear in sync with Jin’s voice, the two just about wrapping up for the day. It’s already nearing midnight, your exhausted body slumped in your seat as your pointless conversion with Jae, one of the producers, is interrupted.
You react quicker than your mind is processing, nodding in both directions and bidding Jae farewell.
Your legs carry you to the familiar door, and with little to no hesitation you’re knocking on the door. You’re answered with a grunt and a low and raspy “Not now”, and you enter quietly, the door clicking almost silent as you lock it behind you.
He’s sitting on his chair, face in hands, and your heart squeezes, his frustration is clear and you curse yourself for not checking up on him throughout the day.
You sit on the floor, despite the available seats all over the medium sized room. You pull your legs to your chest and take a deep breath.
“I thought about it again last night.” You say, your heart speeding, and his gaze is instantly on you.
“I just sat there, and I couldn’t move. I could feel the blood drying down on my thighs. I could feel the blisters starting to form on my hands from gripping the knife so hard. I could feel my head hurting like I’d just banged it against a wall. But I couldn’t feel my heart.”
He is now sitting in front of you, right below his desk, your wrists are held tightly by him and he’s so warm.
He shifts his gaze to his lap, where both of your hands lay, and bites his lip.
“I thought maybe this is how dying feels like. And suddenly death seemed like a possibility again..”
You trail off and he squeezes your wrists at your words, not looking at you.
“And then you called. I swear I wanted to answer, but I couldn’t. I could finally feel my heart, and the tempo felt almost dangerously fast. I could feel it thumping everywhere.”
He brings your hand you his lips and kisses gently, maybe too gently. As if he’s afraid to break you. He looks at you with such sadness you can feel it crawling up your spine, plotting to corrupt your mind and cloud your thoughts.
“I’ve been trying to finish a verse since I got here today, but all I could think of was you ignoring my call and avoiding me today”
His voice feels smaller than usual. The normally confident man now almost mumbling. Your ears drink his voice nonetheless, your body relaxing as he reveals his feelings.
“I know you hate when we talk about you, but you’re all I seem to think about lately. I can’t get you out of my head. And I know we’re both a mess, and I’ve tried so hard to avoid these feelings, cause I know I’m not good enough for you, but I can’t, and knowing that I can’t fix you breaks me even more. ”
Your hands are now intertwined, fingers laced as you tremble at his words, the ones you’ve longed to hear for so long.
“We’re both as broken as shattered glass, and we can not get repaired. But we can become one pile, instead of a mess on the floor.. ”
His lips tremble and you start getting dizzy despite the fact you’re sitting on the floor.
“I can only hope that together we can make it out of here, no matter how long it’s going to take..”
Your heart beats so hard you’re sure Namjoon can hear it too, and he smiles at you, the sadness that was in his eyes mere moments before is now replaced with hope, and the thumping in your ears is only getting stronger.
You think you’re probably taking too long replying, his hands leaving yours and his voice in your ears confirming your worries,
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I jus-” he starts, and you cut him off, placing a finger to his lips.
“I know that together we can make it out of here..” and you can barely finish the sentence as his scent fills your nostrils and you taste his lips.
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