the sandbox

i am in dire need of fluffy pancakes

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

warning: nothing here is trigger/content tagged. at least not yet

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

I'm curled up on my bed, staring into space, when the person with the mask opens the door.

"Someone's here to see you, Phoenix."

Immediately upon hearing the name, my entire demeanor changes. A crazed smile lights up my face, and I shudder in anticipation of the pain to come. Another faceless stranger, paying just to see my guts spill into their hands...

"Coming out to meet them?"

"Of course." Once again, I'm ready to burn.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

i've tried everything.

no eyes to gaze with, so you won't be led astray.

no hands to reach with, so you won't grope at what corrupts you.

no voice to plead with, so you can't seduce anybody with your filth.

and yet.

and yet no matter what i do.

you won't change.

i have no other option.

it's going to hurt. enjoy it.

enjoy it before it becomes impossible for you to feel anything again.

no heart to feel with, so you won't dream of things that defile you.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

the first night was never meant to be anything more than scientific. but seeing his wires spilling out...i couldn't help myself. i guess i just...snapped. and it only got worse when i looked into his screen. bright, mesmerizing lights. they drew me in. he was so kind to let me study his inner workings...i was tangled in wires all night...i don't understand how it happened. i hated myself once i came down from that artificial high.

he's so much smarter than he lets on. he knew just what he was doing. i'd seen his insides...now he wanted to see mine. he was careful not to damage me when he unraveled my intestines...much more careful than i'd been with his wires. the wires that always seemed to end up holding me in place. he knew my machinery was much more fragile than his own.

it's embarassing how quickly i forgot what i'd been going to him for. i just knew i needed to. it was never love. i'm painfully aware of that. but the way SHE avoids my gaze when i walk out the door makes me think this might be the closest i'll ever get.

he's not like her. she's reserved, doesn't sugarcoat her words, and keeps her focus on what's important. he's the opposite. all he knows how to do is analyze patterns and act on what he thinks will come next. and he's good at it. as much as i hate to admit it...he's got me caught in this loop for good.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

"C'mon, let's take a break."

Nickel takes my hand, pulling me to the back of the shop. He smiles at me, pulling something from behind his back. Candy. "You want some?"

I"m not so sure. "I...are you sure you should have that?" Then again...it's just like Nickel to eat the thing he's meant to be selling.

"Hey, I'm the one who owns the shop!" He opens the bag, pulling out a bright pink hard candy, unwrapping it, and holding it up to my mouth. "Open wide, buddy!"

What else am I supposed to do? I take it.

My head spins.

"Told you it was good." He puts two in his mouth. His hand finds mine, and he laces our fingers together. "Let's just hang out back here for a bit, yeah? We'll get back to work in a little while."

He hands me more candy. Of course I eat it. And it's amazing.

he giggles and pulls me in for a kiss. he tastes like cherries...i need more...i pull him closer

more candy

and pretty soon we're just laughing, covering each other in kisses, having the time of our LIVES in the back of the candy shop

i cant get enough of him i want more kisses and i want more candy

hes sooooo cute too he tastes so sweet ill kiss him forever and ever

were feeding each other candy and getting even more giggly and falling even more in love

we dont have to go back to work YET right...

mmm...just a little longer...ehehehe....

wow you- ahah!- youre really good at this...

do you have any more candy

...oh well...i guess you'll just have to do instead~

cmere n keep kissing me till i cant think straight

you taste so sweet...

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

The scared girl runs as fast as she can, but it's not enough. The hallway ends, and there's nowhere left to go. She presses her back flat against the wall, screaming, "DON'T TOUCH ME!! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!!!! STAY AWAY!!!" A dozen hands reach from the wall, groping at her, holding her in place as he stands over her. He reaches out, tilting her chin up to face him. "Aren't you just the prettiest thing~" The girl's screams and sobs grow more frantic, and she struggles against the grip of the hands keeping her frozen. He's not standing over her anymore. Now it's a girl who looks just like her, but at the same time far too different to really be her. The new girl cocks her gun and pushes it against the other's neck. "I hope this hurts." The scared girl whimpers before the trigger is pulled, and the room shatters into pieces around the girl who did it. The scared girl didn't die. She became something else. She became a lustful, writhing creature, barely fit to be called human. The girl with the gun nudges her with her foot, and she whimpers again. "Pathetic." She reaches a hand out to the girl on the floor, offering a sarcastic smile. "Better get dolled up, sweetheart. Your master'll be here soon." The girl on the floor shudders as she's pulled to her feet. The other girl, the one who pulled the trigger, gets to work. "It hurts, doesn't it." She drops the lusting thing's carcass on the floor. No limbs. No eyes. No breasts. Neck slit. Gutted like a fish. Smiling. "You sicken me." She shoots the thing in the head, just for good measure, before she walks away, still unsatisfied. She walks through a door standing in a place it shouldn't be. He's on the other side. She can finally do what she needs to do. She wasted two bullets on herself. She's only got one shot. She needs to make it count...but he isn't afraid of her. He takes her small wrist in his hand and she freezes completely. He takes the gun out of her hand, leans down, and kisses her. "I knew you would come home~" He's taking her back. He's going to take her back there. He's going to lock her back in that cell. That cell where he forced himself on her night after night and she stayed quiet and took it like a good little girl. She won't go back there. She pulls a knife out of her pocket and, without thinking twice, runs it straight into her own heart.

The nightmare shatters. She wakes up screaming.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

Hic. Can't deal with this...just kill me now, honestly. You love me so much? You really, really love me? I'm gonna kill myself in front of you. Hic. I'll just go ahead and make myself prettier for you. You just loooved tracing your fingers over my scars, huh...scars you gave me...I can give myself scars too, y'know. Hic. Feels nice...I feel pretty...hah...hey, that dirty little girl in the mirror's giving me those sad eyes again. Think she wants you back. Hic. Whaddaya say? You wanna come find her? Give her a fun time? Hic. She wants you to give her a fun time. Cuz she's nothing but a filthy lil' $!^# who'll beg you on the floor to lock her back in that cell. Hic. I'll kill her. I'll kill myself and take you with me....oh, stop it with those sad lil' eyes. You're smiling, aren'tcha? Disgusting girl. You deserved it. You deserved all of it.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

come over tonight, pretty boy~ i'm lusting for blood, and only yours'll do.

i wanna feel it spilling out into my hands. i wanna taste it in both of our mouths. i wanna open you up for only me to see and leave kisses all over your beating heart~

you won't come to me? that's alright. i'll just come to you instead.

open up the window, pretty boy. you're not scared, are you?

that's fine. i'll give you time.

don't you think you'd be pretty locked in a cage, little bird?

i'd chain your neck to the floor so you'd never fly away.

i could have you all to myself~

as long as you lived, anyways...

time's running out, sweetheart.

let me in~

or else i'll come in myself.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

i have nothing. i deserve nothing. i feel nothing. i'm worth nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing.

...

you care?

you really, truly care?

that's nice to hear.

that picture on the wall is really sweet...if only i was in it.

...

all alone again. you didn't really care.

that's good to know.

...

no...

leave me alone...

i thought you were out of my head for good.

what do you even want?

you want me to admit i'm too different? not even the misfits could handle me.

you want me to admit i'm a failure? i've never done anything right.

you want me to admit i'm avoiding my problems? if i start crying now, i'll never stop.

you want me to kill myself?

...

is that what you want?

...

answer me. is that what you want?

...

you're not even real.

leave me alone.

if i'm gonna rot, let me do it in silence.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

i dont mind being on strings. i dont mind being helpless. i dont mind being at your mercy. i dont mind your hands over my eyes. i dont mind your breath on my neck. i dont mind the visions. i dont mind screaming. i dont mind the way you make my legs give out. i dont mind hanging lifelessly. i dont mind you crouching in front of me. i dont mind you tilting my chin up. i dont mind the way you smile like nothing happened. i dont mind you taking my hands in yours. i dont mind dancing with you. i dont mind getting to stare into your eyes. i dont mind all the things you put me through. i just want you to love me forever

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

He's hurting you. He's hurting you. I can hear you. I can hear you screaming. Where are you?

I raise the hammer and smash through the mirror in front of me.

"Wrong! Try again~"

I swing the hammer frantically, destroying every mirror I see, until...there you are. Trapped in glass, just up ahead. Sick, shaking, and bleeding badly.

I break the mirror you're stuck in, and...nothing. Another empty hallway in front of me.

I can still hear your voice...

"Don't worry...you're getting closer!"

I keep looking. There you are again. I try to free you. You vanish once more.

It goes on for hours.

The next time I see you, I know not to free you.

That's when you laugh bitterly.

"Of course you wouldn't trust me. You think I'm an illusion. I don't blame you for leaving me here."

You sound hurt. You sound betrayed.

I'm second guessing myself.

And suddenly, every mirror in this maddening maze is a reflection of you.

Everywhere I look, it's...you.

...I miss you.

So much.

I'll find you.

And when I do, I'll hold you, and I'll kiss you, and it'll all be okay.

Okay?

I'll get us out of this nightmare.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

can't stand? that's too bad. you're going to, whether you like it or not.

come on...you're not REALLY that weak, are you?

it's not that hard.

what a disappointment. guess i have no choice but to hang you from the ceiling by your wrists again.

...

don't lean away from me.

you know i'm all you'll ever get, right?

with the way you've acted up till now, you're lucky i even care about you in the first place. everyone else gave up on you. they'd love to see you dead.

aren't you glad i still love you?

aren't you glad to have a roof over your head?

...

nothing to say, huh...i thought you'd be a LITTLE grateful for everything i do for you.

...y...you're right...i'm...sorry...i'll do better...

glad to hear it!

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

you're pretty when you're all bruised up like this.

aww, you think i'm pretty?

eh...for now.

...mmm...you're mean...

that's why you like me.

...right?

y-yeah...

good answer. now hold still, cos this is gonna hurt.

i'll try my hardes-GH-NGAAAHHH-

shut it. do you WANT your dumb friends to find us?

BUT IT HURTS-!!

that's the point, moron. shut up and stop whining. you're gonna end up begging me to keep going anyways.

maybe if you're good, i'll kiss on you some when i'm finished.

...oh...okay...anything...

that's more like it, freak.

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

you really did just want something out of me, huh? kissing me after i told you no, making me angry on purpose, TRYING to get me to hurt you? you tried and you succeeded. you want it SOOO bad? fine.

you don't even regret it. you just want me to hit you harder and it sickens me so i do.

by the time i've tired myself out you're just a bleeding mess whimpering lovesick praises. i don't wanna hear it.

in fact i want you dead

[doll-in-a-birdcage]

i walk inside shutting and locking the door behind me

"how'd it go?"

i say nothing just pull my hood up

"did something happen?"

i walk faster

you grab my wrist and i flinch hard

"he did something."

i just stare back at you with terrified eyes

"what did he do to you?"

i say nothing

"what did he do?"

i shrink into myself. i don't want to tell you

you let go of my wrist and take my hands in yours instead

"would you tell me if we were alone?"

i say nothing

after a few seconds of silence i nod. just barely

you take me to your room

i sit on your bed while you close the door and lock it

my hands shake hard when i take off my hoodie and then my shirt

and then peel off the bandage to show you where he cut two little hearts, a bit below my right shoulder

didn't ask. laughed when i screamed.

you're quiet and it makes me want to die

i say nothing