paradox in pride

Hunter Clarington Personal trainer at Chez Hommes. Volunteer at Harborage Home. Forget what you think you know. You don't know yourself. Prior illusions all go away when you truly have your limits tested.

[domclarington]

devlinmia :

Even when there is action to resolve something, unless the action is something that affects you, that you connect to, then it’s basically as if nothing has been done.  Don’t you think?  I know I’ve been in that situation myself.  And seeking closure on events can be very hard, and draining.  I finally had to just address it myself.  Decide what I wanted to do with that situation and deal with it that way.

Surprised that you feel the need to Dominante someone?  Or the need to control all aspects of your life?

I’m quite busy both with work at the house and my writing, but I might take a daily class.  I am still saddened the partner yoga didn’t take off more.  I might be able to take on a more private session; if you think that is wise given our… history.  

The writing is going well.  I am working on a collection of stories about the political campaign I wrote and photographed for before I came to Harborage House.  I wrote political things then, this time I’m coming at it from a personal level. Like a factual fiction.   

How goes your work Hunter?

Surprised that I feel the need for the level of control in my life that I do. Sometimes.

I think...in the spirit of everything that has happened in the past that I was reminded of today...I was also reminded of the importance of moving forward. History is meant to be left behind us; revisited when the lessons are in danger of being forgotten, but honored by otherwise leaving it be. I’m willing to...attempt to atone and move on from that history with you. Do you imagine that as something we could achieve between us?

Oh, yes! Like Truman Capote, when he wrote “In Cold Blood.” There were details that he made entirely himself but a lot of it was based in the facts of his research.

It hasn’t always made things with Saeid smooth sailing, but it has...kept me in the lifestyle to which I’ve become accustomed...and I believe it helps people.

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

After all this time, I still love your way with words, Sir.

PM: I think maybe I overreacted to it all, so I’m sorry for that.

Okay, Sir, I can do that. That might be easier.

It’s, uh…kneeling really does sound perfect, Sir, but maybe we could walk around the gardens too? Or the whole grounds, and I could maybe….maybe crawl next to you?  I have pads and stuff.

Such a flatterer, Samuel. The compliment is appreciated. Our words have so much to do with our daily lives. It’s a good thing to do well.

PM: Shh, hush now. Let’s not rehash the past. The main thing is that we’re alright now.

Good.

We can do that, yes. I think I prefer the grounds just behind the pool and gardens. There’s quite the expanse there. Though if you prefer a path, then we can find one to take as well. As long as you have pads, I’m comfortable with that.

May I ask where this desire comes from? Is it something you’ve done before?

[domclarington]

hh-sebastian-smythe :

So think of someone you can be drunk with and they won’t be. In fact, I’ll volunteer. I’ll make your stupid decisions for you and then you can blame them all on me. But I will be sober so they won’t actually be stupid. Also, I’m wise.

Yeah, of course. A lot of people don’t want me places. But look…you can’t force other people to look at you a certain way. You might want to go back and do something good but if you aren’t wanted there…there is not a lot you can do about it. You’ve owned up, manned up and if someone is too blind not to know that? Well, you are the one you have to live with. 

Alright then. I elect you, sir smythe.

It’s just something that’s tangled up in the mistakes that I’ve made. I think regrets are the hardest things to get rid of if you don’t feel you can properly atone for them. They’ll...always be a sore spot, in my view. I’m not sure how to let it go.

Though, I’ll follow your wisdom...or rather, Rafiki’s wisdom, delivered by you.

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

Thank you, anyway.

PM: That was all just a silly mistake, back then. You’re a very trustworthy man, Sir.

Okay, I can do that. I guess I have to send that in to Tucker?

That sounds perfect, Master Clarington. Could, um…if it’s okay, I’d…no, it’s okay. That sounds perfect.

You’re welcome, always.

PM: Thank you. I’ve definitely learned from it, so at least it wasn’t a wasted mistake.

That, I believe, is the procedure. He’s been...slow to respond to things lately however so perhaps Mr. Parker or Mia might also be a good option. She is the Administrative Assistant after all.

Samuel? What is it?

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

Thank you, Sir. That’s so sweet.

PM: That’s really kind of you to say, Sir. I trust you a lot, so I think it just makes sense to come to you.

I know that what we do has to be non-sexual, and I think that’s exactly what I need, Sir. I don’t really know like, the rules about this whole thing, though.

It’s simply the truth.

PM: I trust you too and after...a few things that happened in the past between us I’m just happy that you still do.

Well, we should approach like any other normal scene. Though, I think there is now a form to request Resource Dominance. You elect who, the desired date and time, and then the location. The rest is between the individuals involved.

Knowing what I know about you, though, how does kneeling in the Zen Gardens sound?

[adamdrivers]

[domclarington]

devlinmia :

There are always going to be things in life that have the potential to catch you off guard.  Unless you decide to completely shut yourself off from everyone and everything.  Well, yes I’ve noticed.  But it’s part of the package of being a Dominant.  Surely you’re not surprised.  

That is sweet of you to say.  I am open to discussion on the issue though.  I still have to partake myself, it helps keep me focused, and grounded with my writing.  

My issue is that...there was the legal fallout from the event that brought me here...and then there was the personal one. The legal one feels better because there is action to be taken to resolve it. The personal...is a little more complicated. I know that part of the legal recourse is helping me to move on from what happened but I feel---unresolved. About certain aspects. Yes, of course. I think...I am always surprised when I still have to grapple with that side of me.

  The discussion of you taking on yoga again? Or perhaps a private session?

  How goes your writing Mia? What are you working on lately?

[domclarington]

hh-sebastian-smythe :

Then drink with someone who won’t let you do stupid shit. Drink…responsibly. Not thrilled to hear that though, hopefully it worked out.

Fuck yeah they are…I’m a wise man. 

You need to Lion King that shit. The past can hurt. You can either run from it or learn from it.  Rafiki said so. He was wiser than even me. Baboon Bastard.

Hm. I might have to enlist someone of that nature, but I’m having trouble thinking of anyone -- aside from perhaps Mia or Thalia -- that would fit the bill. I would say you, but somehow I imagine you’d be getting into some manner of trouble yourself, whilst drunk.

Oh of course.

  Yes, but what if it doesn’t feel done? Have you ever felt as though you weren’t wanted somewhere, even if you wanted to do something good by being there? And, you don’t know if it would help or hurt?

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

I hope that’s true.

PM: Okay, that sounds good, Sir. Can we maybe talk about me doing that, with you? If that’s okay?

  I have faith that it is and faith in you.

 PM: Absolutely we can. You’re both a friend and one of my mentees as a resident here. I’m personally...I want to see you do well, and I’m honored that you would come to me as part of that wellness.

  What sort of thing initially crosses your mind, Samuel?

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

I hope so, Sir. It feels like I’m making progress but really slowly.

PM: Can you maybe tell me what you do? It’s uh…it’s different than the stuff I did, right?

Slow and steady wins the race.

PM: I can. I’m a Professional, non-sexual, Dominance Resource. I work for Thalia’s company now and I’ve been offering selective services as part of my mentorship here. Mostly things I would do with a friend in need. Kneeling. Domestic service. Light orders here and there to be followed through the day. That sort of thing.

[domclarington]

hh-sebastian-smythe :

Drink. A lot. Then deal with your shit. Social media isn’t the source of your feels, my friend.

Ah, yes, but drinking leads to my making foolish decisions. I actually got into a pretty bad fight with Saeid when drunk, after losing my job. It wasn’t pretty.

  Wise words, though.

   Old feelings from my court case got stirred today.

[domclarington]

devlinmia :

Keep social media; like you said, good for keeping in touch.  Find something constructive to deal with the deluge of unexpected feelings.  Exercise, writing, confronting them, are all wise selections.

  I suppose I don’t like the certain element of...such potential to be caught off guard like that. I don’t know if you noticed, but, I like to have a certain amount of control.

  There’s always yoga of course. Though, you’ve spoiled me for any other instructor, you should just know.

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

I don’t know, Sir. I mean, look at Blaine and Cooper, in Greece. I couldn’t even get to the airport to wave them off. That kinda kicked my confidence down. It’s the thrift shop in town, Sir.

PM: Can we maybe talk about your work, Sir?

   Small steps, dear boy. Small steps. One day you’ll look back and not remember what it felt like not to be able to do those things.

  PM: My work? Of course. What were you hoping to talk about?

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

Thank you, Master Clarington! I can stay out in town for work just fine, but I don’t think that counts for much because I’m just inside the shop for most of it. On my days off, I’ve managed four hours without freaking out.

  Of course, Samuel. I think it counts if it feels to you as though it does. Four hours is phenomenal. The effort I’ve seen you make as you progress is laudable. I don’t think I’ve been by your work yet...where is it, again?

[domclarington]

   Social media is good for keeping in touch. Always great for bringing back a deluge of unexpected feelings that you have no clue what to do with, as well. Now, I’m having a debate as to whether to keep social media or delete it altogether.

  Does anyone have any thoughts that might be helpful?

[domclarington]

sammy-evans :

The Anderbros being in Greece makes me think I should try to see more of the world. I can get into town alone without freaking out anymore, so maybe I should try a little more than that.

   That’s wonderful Samuel. I’m always happy to hear of progress made at the house. It gives me joy to actually see the good that the House does for its residents. Not that residents are the only ones that benefit. How long have you managed to stay out in public alone?

[domclarington]

saeid-tahan :

PM: Look, I’ve been through this before. Alright?

Last time, before I had to go to Harborage, I was doing everything I’m doing now, more or less. But, I let the stress get to me. I had some shit go down with a friend and my parents were being assholes, but it’s all better now. I’m better now.

And I’m literally training to be a doctor, so I think I know the side effects of exhaustion. 

PM:  Listen to me, Saeid. I admire your discipline. It isn’t the everyday individual who shoulders what you do and does it so flawlessly. It doesn’t mean you can ignore what your body needs. Just as with submission, it needs sleep to function. It creates wear and tear when it does not get it.

And, you may have done this before, but I’ll caution you now. The same ingredients do not make a different dish. You can put it in a better oven but it will not magically become something else. So. Don’t tell yourself you’re making pumpkin bread and end up with the meatloaf you put in the mixing bowl.

Mm. Smart and handsome. How did I get so lucky?