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Father Wound

If you asked my mother,

She would say I’ve always been this way-

Poised on the precipice of

A bottomless hole of anxiety

You see, I have never known peace.

Her favorite story to demonstrate this

Is the constant clenching of my fists and jaw since the age of 3

Since I began to comprehend the world around me

And make sense of

The chaos

Inside my head

I was 3 the first time a man disappointed me-

After a weekend away, I was so excited to see my father

I ran towards him down the driveway, arms outstretched

“daddy, daddy, I missed you! I love you”

He pushed my toddler self to the side

“No you didn’t, little bitch”.

I’ve carried that ache inside of me.

It’s probably why I go searching for love in all of the wrong places.

12 years of therapy and all they can do is tell me to breath—

But how am I supposed to breath

When a lion sits on top of my chest

Ready to rip my tongue

From my mouth

And soon as I open wide?

What if the truth is—this is as good as it gets?

What if I never find the peace I’m longing for.

I’ve been searching inside of myself but all I feel is

Empty

Hollow

Dark

Each day is a performance and I

Never know what the score is

I go through the motions

Hoping to feel….something

Anything.

I do not wish to die, or sleep, or stop-

All I want to do is feel-

Joy

Light

Or softness

But I have always been this way.

#DV #depression #poetry #poem #mine #my poetry #free verse #domestic violence #Domestic abuse #Depressing #Anxiety #Writing

2 months and 9 dates later, waiting to sleep with you was a mistake. Sleeping with you? Was a mistake.

You asked me why I never write anymore.

But really,

You were asking why I never write about us anymore.

And the truth is,

Maybe you did love me,

But that isn’t always a good thing.

I used to write of this as a soft thing-

The perfect first date.

The humming in my ears.

The way your eyes flashed like a camera in a dark room,

or how your laugh hit like the first breath of Autumn.

I wrote about dancing hands-

all smiles, bare teeth, a Hurricane heading full speed

towards something neither could believe existed.

I used to write about our future—

French toast, a ukelele, and a dog.

The smell of bacon grease, mint gum, and your deodorant.

All the shades of blue in your closet.

All that light.

But, as it turns out,

Love can’t keep its word

(or hold its liquor),

And for the last 3 of 5 years-

Love has been battering at my nervous system,

Taking swings at my psyche,

and threatening to

Knock me out at the knees.

Your kiss is like a seed in wet soil.

You poured yourself into me

and tried to make a home

From my skeleton.

Your heart was a cemetery, a graveyard.

Your roots were the death of me.

So, the bees have left the hive—the humming has stopped.

And that sweet honey syrup of a girl

Is now 6 feet under from all

her reckless

loving.

You asked me why I never write about us anymore:

You are the thing that goes bump in the night.

You are the kind of scar

I do not want to talk about.

What sad tale am I supposed to write

About the boy

Who liked to bruise me

With the same fists

He touches other women with?

So, maybe you did love me.

That isn’t always a good thing.

#Abuse #poetry #writing #domestic violence #relationships #love #breakup #bruise #abusive #ex #poem #mine #personal

You asked me,

”Why don’t you write about us anymore?”

What sad tale would I write

About the man

Who loves to touch other women

With the same fists

That bruise me?

#Abuse #trauma #physical abuse #poetry #mine #personal

zoomerbro

30-minute-memes

dailypsychologyfacts

6 Types of Childhood Abuse | psych2go (new release)

dailypsychologyfacts

lolowezilolo

As someone who has experienced child abuse (which ultimately led to acute paranoia and anxiety) first hand, I’m glad this video was made. More people need to be aware that how they treat their children can have a long lasting effect on their child’s health and mental and emotional stability.

mesopelagic

holy shit i have the best idea

mesopelagic

my line of logic was “well if i put the sponge in the blender, when i turn it on the sponge will spin around and scrub the blender for me so i dont have to spend ages cleaning it”

mesopelagic

thats not what happened though :•(

memecucker

Has anyone tried to see if chimpanzees or bonobos could be taught to fully master fire

readmetxt

this one guy did and he was chained to a mountain to have an eagle eat his liver every day

tristamateer

“Listen, you have to pull it together. There’s no use agonizing over mouths that don’t want to open around your name. Stop mourning the doors you left locked and bolted. Put on the red dress. Empty out your purse. Chase the anxiety meds with gin. Leave your pens at home.”

— “Writer’s Relief” Trista Mateer