The Hurting, The Healing, The Loving: Part I- The Hurting
“Boss or Toss kissing someone you’re on tour with.”
“So this last beautiful girl that I am going to introduce has the most beautiful emerald green eyes in all the world, and she has a wonderful mind and she says smart and intelligent things and she’s my favorite, Lauren Jauregui.”
“Do you guys know who Camren is?”
“They call her Mila, I call her Camz.”
Bright lights flashed against her green ones and soon she found herself standing in front of thousands of people. She blinked once or twice to see if all of this is happening and suddenly it hit her. She was having of those flashbacks again. Groaning internally and doing everything to not look like she was pissed at someone- which clearly was herself to avoid misunderstanding, she just heaves out a breath out and looks to her right and sees two of her members, Dinah and Normani who were getting all cuddly cuddly. She takes a glance at Ally who looked like a mother looking over her daughter who finally got the dream girl and when Normani met her set of eyes she acted like how people wanted to see, like a proud bestfriend giving a thumbs up, making sure everyone could see just so they could make about things and theories about this one later on.
Giving the final bow, All of them went back to the dressing room, changing into their party clothes and headed off to the club for an after-party event located at the heart of the city. Even before arriving they knew there’s going to be a lot of people which represented mostly by the media hoping to snap something to post it later on their columns. And although this people piss them off, they had to pose and look good because that’s what people wanted to see. So like the management taught them to do, they posed all for the flashing lights before leavinbg them wanting more.
Entering the club they greeted some familiar faces and they also kissed some on the cheek. Immediately Ally found her boyfriend and heads to him. Looking at the couple, the three of them couldn’t help but feel jealous because if Ally had one thing in this world that they would be jealous of, it was her boyfriend’s consistency to prove to Ally that he’ll always be her number 1 fan.
Lauren’s heart was still melting at the sight but a pair of arms wrapped around her waist shifted her attention and she didn’t even need to turn around to see who this person was. The mixture of weed and alcohol with a little bit of his favorite perfume and the signature kiss on the shoulder brought a smile to her face.
“What’s up pretty face?” She turned to look at her friends who nodded in understanding.
“Hey this is our twerk song c'mon.”
“You know I’m right wherever you are babe.”
“You sure those two aren’t lesbians?” He wrapped his arms around her tights and resting his chin on her shoulder.
She simply gave him an eyeroll which wasn’t obvious in his eyes. “They can be whatever they want them to be.” He should know by now she hates labels.
“Alright, no need to sweat. Come and meet the family babe.”
Her co-members had a very neutral reaction when she started seeing him. It started off as catching up with one another up until the rapper started showing his intentions and she, the one who tried to get things off of her mind accepted him and sooner she realized that he wasn’t much of an ass, well most of the time especially when he’s on his good side. When the girls heard it from her personally they didn’t acted too negatively. They just nodded their hands and hoped that she’d be happy and he would be responsible for it.
And she did in all honesty. It was so cute to see this adorable sight of him and being so close to family was one of the things that brought her into agreeing in dating this guy. He made her happy, he made her feel loved and cared and that she deserves these treatments. What did the management thought about it though? They thought to make a big deal out of it spreaidng rumors one after the other and now it blasted through the entire world and she wanted to say something about it. She wanted to say that there’s nothing serious between them right now and that they’re just testing the waters but just like how the management wanted her to act, she said nothing and kept her mouth quiet. And for this, he took the hint that they were in fact an item.
With his hands still around her waist she was introduced to probably half of the people inside the club which she would only probably memorize only 10 and she kept accepting drink after drink offered to her by his friends or his co-workers and family. She didn’t want to embarass him so being the good girlfriend that he wanted all of them to see, she was approachable and understanding.
Two hours later she finds herself getting full of the conversation. At first yeah she was liking how the flow of the conversation went but then onen of his friends made fun of women and it angered her. It angered her knowing that all of the guys agreed while they look at women like some piece of meat and how he invited some hookers in their table. Well, high-class hookers but nevertheless, she saw how much disrespect his friend showed to them and what angered her the most was he never said nothing about it. He just kept on flipping his long ass dreadlocks, laughing and agreeing to everything that comes from these low, imbecile people. She wanted to rant, but she also didn’t want to cause the scene. So like how her date wanted her to act, she excused herself politely and made her way towards the balcony.
Surprisingly, she sees her best friend there with heels on the other hand nd eyes up above. She normally sees the latter inside the club twerking her heart out or jamming to every song played by the DJ or drinking higher than her usual tolerance but she smiled at at the sight, slowly walked towards her. She just stopped right beside and neither of them said a thing. It was silent but it was a comfortable one and she felt thankful for that with their lifestyle, sometimes it’s hard to find solace.
“I like looking up at the stars sometimes. They’re so still it makes me feel that time stopped and if I focused enough, I could hear the busy street noises fading out and everything else. In times like this I feel that I am Normani. No awards under my name, no bullshit nor I am a member of a worldwide girl band, it’s just Normani… Normani Kordei Hamilton, the 20 year old girl from Houston.” She smiled still her eyes were on the sparkling tiny dots in the sky. “It’s worth the pain in the neck.”
Lauren smiled. “I think I like that too Mani.”
“But your eyes aren’t on the stars Laur, you keep looking at the moon.” She says. “It still reminds you of her isn’t it?”
Instead of giving an honest answer, Lauren built up her walls and shrugged. “Sometimes I guess.”
She should’ve known better that her bestfriend could see right through her. Still being the bestfriend that she is, she just shakes her head. “How do you do it?”
“How do you look at her and tell the public otherwise?”
“Uh, it’s because the management told us that I should be the one who should be vocal about it. I had to maintain my image who didn’t take anybody’s bullshit about me while she had to remain the sweetheart that everyone wants her to be.”
“Does it hurt? Whenever you deny her?”
“More of like she’s the one hurting. She told me that my words were too realistic that it was hard to draw the line sometimes.” She answered. “She got used to it as the time passed by, what’s the purpose of indirects anyway.”
Normani nods her head. “I see.”
Lauren furrowed her eyebrows. She knew about the new set up of the management since they needed to spice things up, they thought it would be better if it was Normani and Dinah’s turn to be the one who everyone shipped. She was there when the management proposed the idea and she saw how comfortable the two were the idea, and they even banter about who was going to get jealous first and then laugh it off. It was nice to know that things weren’t awkward between them unlike when the management told her and the other one act to be an item to boost their popularity up.
But now looking at her bestfriend, she knew something was up and she was going to find out by the end of tonight.
“I am just like you Laur.” She was confused by her friend’s statement. “I am a unicorn who fell in love with a dragon…” She trails off and looked at her with tears threatening to fall from her eyes. “And mother will never approve.”
Instantly she pushed forward the dark-skinned beauty inside her arms just how quickly Normani cried her eyes out. She sobbed and Lauren could feel her top getting wetter every second and how Normani poured her heart out tonight. She knows how painful it must be for the other girl to finally recognize her feelings to the person who’s inside probably dancing until she passes out with some guy she’d forget about the next day. Funny how Dinah couldn’t notice that she was breaking a heart of someone without her noticing it.
What she even finds funnier is that she couldn’t help but imagine that this was her years before when she was still here with them, and her crying figure wrapped around her bestfriend just like how she was hugging Normani now. Pathetic, she couldn’t hate Dinah even if she wanted to, she was Dinah years ago too.
“How can she call me babe and ask me to be fine with it? I mean did you see her tweet? When she called me her girl? Fuck, I fucking lost it or how she posted the screenshot and how she is in her normal way I knew I was a goner. I am a goner for her Laur.” She continued to cry.
“Shhh just let it all out.”
“I didn’t planned to be like this, man I never imagined because we always talked about boys and now it’s just- goddamnit now all I could think about is her, no matter how hard I try to fall for some guy, she would always creep my thoughts and managed to stir my feelings up.This was supposed to be just an act and now I find it very hard on what to believe…” She paused for a moment. “So tell me Laur, how do you do it? How do you get over these stupid feelings?”
“You never get over them Mani. You just let time pass you by and hope that tomorrow, it won’t hurt like today.” She said. “You just continue to hope babe and one day it’s gonna happen.”
“Thanks Laur, I really appreciate you being here and I don’t know if I would’ve bottled this entire one up.”
“Is this your first time coming out because-”
“My family knows and my mother expected it to happen sometimes soon. She kinda felt it when I brought Dinah for Christmas and then I went to celebrate New Year with hers.”
“Not even dating yet you celebrated the holidays together? I am offended!”
“Barbara on the other was a little in denial at first but she finally got over it. She even told me that if Dinah and I won’t be together by the end of this year she’ll disown me.”
Lauren chuckled. “Wow, talk about pressure huh?”
Normani laughed along too. “Yeah.”
After the laughter died, Lauren cleared up her throat. “You know what Mani? I actually regretted something this entire time.” Her best friend looked at her while waiting for her answer. “It was when I never told her that I love her, even when I knew I already did.”
“What are you talking about you guys say I love you to each other every time.”
“But she was the one who always initiated it, it was never me… I always said I love you ‘too’ and it probably made her feel that I was just agreeing with her, like I was just saying I love you because she loves me and now thinking about it, I should’ve said I love you to her more.” She fixes her friend’s hair. “So if she doesn’t know, then let her.”
Before Normani could answer, the door opened and it revealed Dinah looking at them with a non-expressive face and when she spotted the two Lauren could see the Polynesian girl wasn’t even trying to hide her frown and it was only then she saw their current position in. Normani probably noticed the position too as the DWTS star immediately created distance between them.
Lauren immediately chuckles mentally as she saw who’s the whipped one before the relationship could even start.
“What’s going on? Am I missing something?” Lauren wanted to laugh, Dinah was really the worst when it comes to hiding something.
“Oh nothing, we were just catching up.”
Dinah raised both of her eyebrows in amusement. “That’s some way of catching up.”
“You know how close Mani and I are DJ, it’s not like you’re not used to us being all so cutesy. She’s my Manibear after all. Ain’t that right BABE?” That earned her a playfully shove from her.
“Yeah I can see that now.” The Latina couldn’t hold it any longer so she lets out a laugh. “What’s so funny Laurenza?”
“Nothing, I just remembered I left him behind his egotistic friends and how he’s probably so pissed at me which means I should go. Great talk babe, we should do this more often. You guys are taking the Norminah shit way too real my heart can’t take it anymore.” She cooed.
Laurent left the two of them and she could hear her other member asking her why was she out here and how she noticed that she was crying and demanded for a reason why. She turned back to take a glimpse of them and she sees Dinah placing a kiss on Normani’s forehead and hugged her and by that she knows that it’ll only be a matter of time before they could admit their feelings for one another.
She really didn’t feel like going back inside the club as she feels that she was draining from the concert and so she gives him a quick message and continued walking on the streets just taking her time as her hotel was a walking distance from the club. She actually felt happy because people was just passing her by not harassing her or even demanding something from her and it’s not that she gets to experience this every single day. Normani was right, it felt nice to sometimes feel normal.
She stops as the pedestrian and waited for the signal so she could cross and get inside the hotel. While waiting, she remembered her member saying how she kept her eyes on the moon and tonight was no difference. Looking up, she saw the moon sharing its light down on her. She smiles and pulls out her phone tweeting-
And she crosses the street, enters her hotel room and let the sleep take over her body.
How does Lauren Michelle Jauregui spend her Saturday Nights?
Well it’s either she’s home with the family, chilling out on their Miami home with boxes of pizza as their cheered on their favorite team on various sports or just screaming their hearts out for a movie marathon. She could also be on a plane towards another state or another country while trying to catch up with some jet lags or being notified on their schedule. She could also be at the recording studio messing around with words or melody or at her room with Leo on her side, a book on her hand and a cup of her favorite tea on her desk. Depends really…
But tonight she was doing neither because this Saturday night she’s killing her red dress and heels with his arms wrapped around her waist as they were bombarded with paparazzi when they were entering the club for he was invited by Pharell, who was celebrating his birthday tonight.
She takes a look at him. “Yeah sorry I dozed off for a minute were you saying something?”
“Is there something wrong? You know we could leave if you’re really not up for it.”
Now she feels guilty. “It’s not that, I just zoned out for a minute but I really want to be here with you. Also, I haven’t been out for a while so it’s nice to have some fun tonight.”
“Okay cool. Now let’s go find him I mean if we ever do cause this place is huge.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not really impossible not to find him. I only know a few people that could rock this type of hat.” She chuckles. “We’ll find him eventually but let’s just enjoy the night yeah?”
He smiled and kissed her forehead. “I like that.”
Lauren could also feel that there’s something wrong. You know the feeling that you know there’s something bound to happen but you just couldn’t describe what time of event would that be and although it’s at the end of your tongue and you really wanna say it you just couldn’t and it frustrates the shit out of you? Well that perfect describes Lauren’s feelings right now.
So when she wants to distract herself from thinking things she doesn’t even want to, she usually goes to places like these and enjoy the night out by being high or wasted or neither. She just wanted to have fun and basically that’s what they did tonight. The couple danced the night away while meeting with some friends. She even got to meet Halsey, a good friend of hers and both of them agreed on doing a song very soon.
After all the sweating, Lauren chilled out at the bar, grabbing a drink first and looking at the people. She smiled to herself as she was successful blocking certain things off of her mind. But reality bites like a bitch, especially to someone who has been trying to run away from it when Lauren felt everything slow down as her eyes landed on a certain brown-eyed girl who she hasn’t seen in a while.
Lauren couldn’t describe the situation even better. She just didn’t see Camila Cabello for the first time in probably a long time but she sees Camila dancing with someone else and distance between them was hardly seen. The second thing that matched Lauren’s words was how close those two were and something inside of her stirred when she knew that the younger latina was dancing with another woman.
“Lauren I don’t understand, I thought we were-“
“We never were! We were just two people forced to act as if we were one because the fucking management wanted to spice things up!”
“I know you’re scared because there’s Lucy and-“
“Damn right I’m scared! Fuck why do you have to come in and ruined everything!?”
“It wasn’t my fucking fault when the two of you didn’t grow up some balls to fix things!”
“No fuck you. We’re done and-“
“You don’t mean that! You always say that but you always end up coming back to me!”
“No this time I’m done, whatever this is, is done, I am growing up some balls and fix things with my girlfriend. So fuck off, fuck your feelings and good bye Camila. It’s better if you would’ve left.”
Lauren tries to shake off the memory that hit her like a bitch. Her mind was immediately brought back when the song changed into I Got You and her eyes immediately landed on those two figures who were dancing intimately. She hated the fact that this woman sang the lyrics I can see you hurting, I’ve been through the same thing baby don’t you worry I got you.
Who the fuck she think she is? And why does she smiles at her as she leans onto her more? This is fucking bullshit! And why the hell am I seeing this now? There were a lot of questions that were going through her mind but she never wanted to know the answers. She swallowed her drink in one go while dialing a number and waiting for the other person to pick up the phone.
“Dinah do you know something that I don’t?”
“Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout girl? Mani I swear to God give me my fucking pizza back or I’mma poly beat down your ass.”
“Dinah focus! Do you know something that I don’t?” She said sternly this time.
“How am I suppose to know when you keep talking to me-“
“Do you know that Camila’s seeing someone right now?” The person on the other line went silent and she groaned. “Dinah just answer my fucking question!”
“Yes I know and I don’t know how the hell did you found out but you weren’t supposed to.”
“I wasn’t supposed to? The fuck does that mean?” And then she could hear the two conversing on the other phone and something clicked inside her. “Does Mani know? Does Ally know too?”
“Wow, so much for trying to keep me up with everything.” She immediately hanged up and ordered another shot while the bartender looked at her weirdly. “Well? Are you going to grab my drink or not?”
“Y-y-yeah. I’ll be back.” She sighed, she didn’t mean to snap at the poor guy.
Pharell immediately got up on the stage and people cheered for him and they sang the happy birthday song altogether. He said thanks to all the people who were here tonight and he expressed his gratitude and said the most cliché lines which was- drinks is on me! As the crowd laughed and Lauren would’ve laughed too but she was just beyond pissed. From afar she could see Camila picking up her phone and she saw how the younger one tensed up and began searching throughout the entire bar.
And after what felt like an eternity, a pair of chocolate-brown eyes finally looked at the pair of eyes which had bright emerald in color. It brought back so many memories to both of them. Back then, they liked talking to one another through their eyes and some videos have become proof of it and right now, Camila was telling Lauren to follow her out of the club and being the Lauren who wanted immediate answers, she gave the other one a small nod before seeing her whispering something at the person who danced a while ago with her woman before giving Camila a small nod and turning back her attention towards the music. My woman? Pathetic. Lauren mumbles to herself as she follows the Cuban out on the club towards the underground exit and there was this big guy who nodded at Camila and opened the door of an SUV before leaving them there. This was it-
Tonight will be the night where all of Lauren’s questions will be answered, by hook, or by crook.
She enters the SUV and then she was met by silence. It was so silent that you could hear the air condition making sound and it the physical movements like shifting sitting positions, licking of the lips, the playing of the nails and two bodies breathing so cautiously. Lauren felt Camila was looking at her and hearing the latter one sigh, she knew that the other one would be starting the conversation.
“I’m sorry you had to find it out that way.”
Lauren scoffed, “As if I was ever going to find it out… As if someone will eventually tell me what’s going on because clearly, you were stopping them.”
“I wasn’t and I just told them that there’s no need for you to find it because it’s not like you would care anyways. You have your own life, I’ve got mine.”
“You’ve kept them updated so I couldn’t see why you couldn’t update me as well.” Lauren defends. “You’re right, I don’t give a shit so why hide? You think I would be so damn jealous of your new thing?”
“Why? Aren’t you being jealous right now? ‘Cause if you really weren’t, you wouldn’t call Dinah and if you don’t give a shit, then don’t look at me that way.” Camila says sternly.
“How am I looking at you now then?” She challenges.
“You’re looking at me as if you give a shit.” That caught Lauren off guard. “You’re looking at me as if it hurts you to see me be with someone else. You’re looking at me as if I am still yours when clearly you told me months ago I was never yours and you were never mine, that we were just used by the management to spice things up and that I was the one to blame because I stepped in your life and things got fucking messed up.”
“Stop going back to the past, it all means nothing to me now.”
“Well then you can get the hell out of my car, we’re done here. I’ve done my part explaining.”
Camila couldn’t take it anymore so she just made her way outside the car and back at the club when she hear Lauren say- “What does she have anyway? Who the fuck she think she is to dance so intimately with you? Fuck her! She shouldn’t be-“
“No fuck you! She can dance with me whatever way she wants because someone I really care about and I want to actually be happy this time!”
“What the hell are you talking about!? Weren’t you happy!?”
“NO!” She bursts out. “I wasn’t happy because you took it from me!” She walks back to the older Latina. “I used to be so happy in your arms, made me feel like everything is real, that we were real, that what you’re feeling for me was real until you fucking destroyed it all for me when you chose her over me. When you chose HIM over ME.”
“So this is what it’s all about huh?” Lauren paused. “You want revenge on me on what I’ve done to you years ago?”
Camila stared at her with great disbelief. “Are you even for real now? I just told you, I want to be happy this time around and that’s me putting my happiness in my own hands because when I placed my heart in yours you fucking squeezed the life out of it. Not everything about my life is about you Lauren, not anymore because I actually realize that I need to put myself first.”
“You put yourself first way too much because you fucking left the group who was with you through thick and thin for 5 years.”
“You’re impossible to talk.” She shakes her head. “I am not doing this with you and your mindset right now.” She started walking away again.
“Yeah go ahead Camila, fucking run. That’s you alright, you fucking run away when you know you’re about to lose and when you’re too afraid to admit something!” She chases Camila and grabs her by her arm. “You’re running away from me because you know deep down, it’s still me you’re in love with.”
She removes herself from Lauren’s grasp. “Yes, I am running away from you. I am running away from you because I know if I stayed I would let your words get to me and if I stayed I would be the same 15-year old Camila Cabello who, no matter how hard she fucking tries, she always find herself loving the 21-year old Lauren Jauregui just like how she loved her when she was 20, 19, 18 and even for the very first time we met. I am running away because I cam choosing myself, because I am so done to be continuously be broken by you.” She already has tears in her eyes but still she continued with her talk. “I am running away from you because I am done staying in your life like I was okay with everything. You know how I felt for you then, EVERYONE knew how much I love you and yet you kept coming back to her and when she breaks you, I let myself break for you just to see you smile again. I let you be in my arms tonight only to find you back in hers the next morning and I have to act like everything’s okay. Well a little heads up, it’s not and I am never going to be okay with the fact that we didn’t even got the chance to be together because you were too scared to realize the fact that everyday you’re with me, you find yourself falling out of love for her.”
“That is non-sense!” Lauren defends. “I love Lucy, you and I both know that, which is why I chose her over you.”
“Oh yeah? So why did you guys decided to stay friends then? If you were so sure about her, then why would you always push me away every time we would talk about what we are?! You keep running back to her because she was safe. You chose her over me because you know for a fact that she won’t hurt you like I will and you keep on choosing her over because you’re a fucking coward and this is the same reason why you chose him over me because up until now Lauren, you’re the only one running away from the truth that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, and whoever you’re with now, it’s still me- Camilla Cabello that you’re still in love with.”
Lauren can’t even formulate a proper sentence nor a word for the speech that came out from Camila’s mouth. For sure she already knew that this conversation was going to get heated but she never expected for Camila to not hold back anymore and lay all her feelings there out on the field. She looked over her and she saw how she was panting, tears flowing in her eyes and all she could see in those brown orbs were pain and sadness. Lauren backed away her stare and looked on the ground and remained silent.
Camila sniffed and wiped her tears before composing herself. She started walking towards back to the club when she stopped and Lauren waited for her to say something.
“I have a song about us and I hope you can listen to it one day.” She says. “And when you do, I hope it hits you like a fucking train just so you can understand the half of the pain that I was going through.”
So this is the first one or the other half of the chapter. I’ll release the other half tomorrow. Let me know on how you think about this one! This is my first time writing about Camren so please be gentle lol, bye see u tomorrow :)
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