This move has brought out aspects of my personality that I've never seen before. After months of dealing with paper review, job application, thesis writing and finishing up grad school, I find myself tearing up with my therapist again because of the same exact reasons: my brain refuses to cut me some slack.
Yesterday, I told my therapist that my anxiety these past couple of weeks is unmatched, but I do not know why it is the case. I blame it on the move, and I know it will pass, but the move or stressful times in life must not be the reason why my anxiety gets worse and worse over time. It's the lost of control. It's the trying to please people. It's the uncertainty of the future. It's the feel of a lost kid who blames herself for every single thing that goes wrong in other people's life. It's the will to serve others, but then I forget to serve myself.
I recalled a recent event to my therapist; the event went roughly like this. I received a phone call from my Mom. She told me that my nephew was hospitalized because of some flu, but my sister needs to study and take some exams, so my Mom needed to take care of my nephew for my sister. However, my Mom has been feeling under the weather as well, so my nephew being the hospital has inconvenienced her greatly, and my Mom wanted my nephew to be treated as an outpatient. This kind of conversation happens all the time, with the undertone being "I wish you were home so you could help out". My first reaction was "so what do you want me to do with this piece of information? Comfort you? Give you a solution? What do you want?". The next one is "I wish I could be home so I could help out. I wish I could do everything for you although it may mean I burn myself to death". And the last thought, with guilt, went like "I'm thankful for being away, so I can take care of myself first and foremost, instead of prioritizing everyone in my life but me. I know it is selfish of me to think so, but I'm glad I broke out of the circle and left home." My therapist smiled and told me "I'm so happy for you and proud of your growth! You of a few years ago would have stopped at the second thought, but now you have another one which is positive and focusing on you. It is the last thought which leads to action that counts". This blows my mind. I actually have grown so much, but I forget to zoom out and see my progress.
It felt good for one second, one hour, or maybe one day after talking to my therapist. But today, I'm all sad and anxious and depressed again. I need to move tomorrow, but my mind doesn't stop thinking about tasks I have to do AFTER finishing the move tomorrow. Many of these tasks are important, but I honestly cannot do much now even if I'm worried. As my therapist said "worrying about it now just means you will have to worry about it twice: now, and when it actually comes".
I feel stuck and all stuffed up inside with negative emotions. I want a good cry, a big ugly cry. I'm tired and I constantly thought about the day it all ends. Everything ends.
Anyhow, tomorrow and the next day are both moving days. I'm tired, but if I don't do it, no one would for me.
