[-freiunddochsogefangen-]

"Wärst du mir nie passiert, würd ich dann Schatten seh'n, wo keine sind? Mich in mei'm Kopf verirr'n und nur Dinge hör'n, die so nicht stimm'n? Wär mein Herz auch so schwer? Meine Blicke leer? Ich frag mich immer mehr, wie viel glücklicher ich wär?!"

- Madeline Juno (Wärst du mir nie passiert)

[chronicillnesshumor-deactivated]

Doctors are like: ughhhhh. You're confusing. Come back if you die

[dontbreakthesilencex]

I think you‘d be happy if you knew how often you’re still on my mind. Actually, I think it’s exactly what you are hoping for and I can’t judge you for that. It’s what I would’ve wanted too. I probably think about you more than he does. I’ve thought a lot about messaging you recently. Don’t worry, I’ll never do it but I still find myself looking for words to explain the situation to you. I think it’d start with an apology, though, no apology would ever be enough. What would I even apologize for? „I’m sorry for ruining your life“? It’d be pathetic, I don’t think it would help you to move on. Well, you’ve probably moved on already, it’s been six years. It wouldn’t be fair of me to send an apology now just because it would make me feel better. It would probably reopen your old wounds and I don’t want to do that. But if it makes you feel better, please know that I will be living with this guilt for the rest of my life. I‘m sorry I loved him more than I respected myself, than I respected you.

[seaphine]

If it is meant for you, it will cross oceans, distances, and doubts to reach you.

[qadarpriestress]

The older I get, the more I appreciate slowness. Slow mornings, slow burn dating, slow days, slow music, slow conversations.

[tisishowyoulosethetimewar]

leave the perfume on the shelf that you picked out just for him so you leave no trace behind like you don't even exist

illicit affairs, folklore

[dontbreakthesilencex]

I've been pretty quiet on here for the past 4 years. That's exactly the time that I've been in a very happy relationship. All my writings before that were about storys without a happy ending. Well, this one definietely had a happy ending. Against all my expectations, I finally learned how to be happy. But I didn't learn how to write about it. Writing about people or experiences that hurt me was my way to cope with it. I had to write it down to get it off my chest. I miss writing. But there are simply more ways to describe pain. It's easier. All my life I've been more of a sad person, nothing could ever go right. I felt like I had a million reasons to be sad about. Right now, one thing that really burdens me is grief. I had to experience real grief for the first time in my life and it scares me. I could write so many texts about how death started to scare me. I've never been scared of dying, I didn't care. There were times when I wanted to die. But this grief changed me. I carry very deep love for the closest people around me. And the thought of losing them too would break me. But that's the way that life goes - and I hate it. I don't know how to survive griefing another member of my family. And it scares the hell out of me - knowing, that it will happen. At least it tought me to really value every minute I can spend with them. And to put more effort in the relationships. To spend as much time with them as possible. The thought makes me sick to my stomach stomach, god.

[dontbreakthesilencex]

03/08/2024

The thing about grief is that it's unpredictable. It's feeling fine all day and then it all crashes down on you.

That's what happened last Friday. It was your birthday. You would've turned 94. Oh, what I'd do to hold you one last time. My brother said in his eulogy that you felt like home. And that's exactly what it was. You've been gone for a whole year now and it's really hard to believe that it's been so long already. How have I been living? Because since Friday it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I cannot handle you being gone. I cannot accept the fact that I never get to see you again. I miss you so much.

[dontbreakthesilencex]

I used to envy you

I used to envy you for so many things. You were living the life that I wanted. You had everything that I could only dream of. At the same time though I felt sorry for what you had to go through because of me. I never wanted this in the first place. And when it first happened - believe me - I wanted to take it back because I felt so guilty for what I did. I knew exactly how you felt. I knew how much I hurt you - how much he hurt you. I never planned for this to happen, it just did. And there was nothing I could've done to stop myself from feeling this way, believe me, I tried. I wanted to stay away from him, I never meant to fall for him. When you two finally ended it I thought about the fact that you get to move on now. You were finally able to let it all go and forget about him and me. I kind of envied you for that because I knew that I'd be comparing myself to you for the rest of my life. Today, I don't really compare myself to you anymore. It's been three years and I am so happy with how it all turned out, I could not be any luckier. I know that we are totally meant to be together because it all fits so well. But seeing that you still look for me on social media, that you're still watching my stories shows me that you are not over it yet. And I feel sorry for the fact that you still seem to think of us so much. I don't hate you - why would I? But I know you do hate me and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry for what you're still going through.

[dontbreakthesilencex]

grief / 10/27/2023

A week ago my mum asked me how I'm doing now that she's been gone for 8 months. It's a question I could've turned back to her considering she's the one who lost her mother. Apparently, so she said, she was worried about me the most. I admit, I didn't take it very well. It happened all out of the sudden and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. And so she asked whether it still burdens me and I said that I'm doing fine. I had to look away so she couldn't see that I was tearing up. I am definitely not handeling it very well. It's been 247 days without you and I can't talk or think about her without starting to cry. I just still can't believe that I will never get to see you again. I just don't want to accept that you're gone.

[dontbreakthesilencex]

Can't you give us five more minutes?

God, I miss you. It’s been two months now but it hasn’t stopped hurting. So many things still remind me of you so much, sometimes I just can’t handle it. The thought that I will never see you again, hug you, tell you how much I love you. I’ve always been scared of losing you, I knew someday it would happen but I didn’t think it would be so soon. Maybe it was a naive thought. But you were doing so well, I had so much hope you’d reach the 100. I know it’s better this way, you weren’t suffering, you were not in pain or anything. You just fell asleep for good. I miss you lots, granny. You are the brightest star in heaven now. But I hope you are doing well now, I hope you’re surrounded by your loved ones. I hope you’re happy. But even though I know you are doing better now, I can’t stop thinking of how I’d love to have you here, too. If I had known it was the last time when we visited you, god, I would’ve hugged you a little longer.  I wish I could tell you one last time how much I love you, how much I miss you and what a great person you were. Everybody loved you. You were one of a kind. I will miss you forever. 

[dontbreakthesilencex]

I wish you well but I can no longer stand this, I can't watch you sabotage the two of us. I love you to death but I can't spend the rest of my life in this darkness, I'm done.

NF - RUNNING

[dontbreakthesilencex]

please take me back to when life was still okay

[dontbreakthesilencex]

You’ve been doing so well lately. I guess that’s why I didn’t expect it at all to happen so soon. No one of us did. You would’ve turned 93 next month and I am so thankful I got to spend 24 years with you. But I simply can’t imagine a life without you. I don’t want to accept that I’m never gonna see you again, never gonna hear your voice again, never gonna feel your touch and love again. You were the kindest, sweetest, loveliest person on earth. You were the soul of our family and I don’t know how to move on without you. I knew it would happen someday and I thought I was prepared for it but it’s so much worse now than I thought it’d be. You always supported us, you always had a smile on your face even though you’ve been through so much. You never failed to show us how much you love us. And I will forever be thankful. I will forever remember, love and miss you. You were one of a kind, to all of us. And yesterday this world lost one of their kindest souls. I am heartbroken. I love you so much.

[wordlessly]

ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine

[thepersonalquotes]

[what-iz-life]

Being with someone who wants to learn about your past history, not to punish or hurt you, but to learn how you need to be loved