[dontcallmeidontexist]

You break my heart

Every day

You take me to heaven

Then leave me to fall from there

So every day

Like Sisyphus I strive to move

This everlasting burden

Like Atlas I carry

The weight of it all on my shoulders

Like Leda

Forced to survive the trespass

Against my soul

My skin

My devotion

Is it too late to ask

For a wiser being to motion

To break me free

To drop the burden

The sword

The shield

To finally let me gasp for air

And grasp the love I think I deserve

[dontcallmeidontexist]

I hope that next time,

And believe me there will be,

You do, you leave.

I hope you regret it,

And believe me you will.

I hope you realize that you didn't mean it

I hope it hurts to lose

The one and only person who will love you despite all your flaws

And believe me I would have.

Your broken promises finally fulfilled

And believe me they will be.

The next time when you do put your hands on me

And believe me you will.

Maybe then I will be strong enough to leave

And believe me I will.

[dontcallmeidontexist]

That was it

My last attempt at reconnection

My last try to make this work

I cannot take the pain

Of being ignored anymore

The hurt that comes

From your indifference

I tried for years and years

To make this work

I tried to mold myself

To fit your love

But what i needed

Was to be stronger

And to leave

For a love that's bolder

More reliant and empathetic

What I needed was not to weather

The disrespect and the neglect

But to love myself too much to stay

Now all I can do

Is wait

Until my heart

Stops beating for you

And then I will finally be free

To love myself

The way you should've loved me

[dontcallmeidontexist]

There are topics

Too delicate to breach

Too painful to bring up

Too deep to dig out of

There are places

That you don't visit

That you don't go back to

Where only memories reside

There are conversations

That you'd rather not have

And yet every single cloudy sky

Was a trip down memory lane with a shovel on your hand

You went there

Every single time

You took me with you

Always too fearful to ask why

My face mimicked the droplets, heavy, running down your coat

Or maybe it was the other way around

Like some sick joke

Maybe it was foreshadowing

To the bruises yet to come

And I let you

Every single time

[dontcallmeidontexist]

"I'm your whore. And when you're tired of fucking me, I will be nothing"

It strikes

Like a sudden gust of wind

In an otherwise tranquil night

When you should be scared of other things

But the whiff of blood makes you look down

Like an axe or a sword

Right through you

Making you cough up

All the regrets you've ever felt

He takes you for wife

But no wedding bells toll

Only the rhythmic slamming

Of every shut threshold

Every markless bruise

Every hurtful word

One day you will realize

You're no longer his

Just a whore

[dontcallmeidontexist]

Just like the figures you keep on your shelves

Those that you don't dust off ever

The ones you have to prop up in a special way

Lest they fall and break (again)

I realized

That is who I am to you

You like to keep me around

Quiet, reserved

Like a trophy on your self

You want me like a one way phone

Just to hear, but never heard

You don't want me happy or whole

You just want me yours

[dontcallmeidontexist]

I grew up in a house

Where apologies went unsaid

More often than not

So I wished for a person

Who apologized more

If you're familiar with wish granting

Then you'll know how this goes

With more apologies came

More, deeper hurt

Now "I'm sorry" hits my tear-soaked pillows

It beats my skin black and blue

It burrows into my entrails

And leaves me there to bleed

[dontcallmeidontexist]

You were such a wise man, older

Taught me many things I was ignorant to

Taught me about life

Taught me to breathe

Taught me to love

Taught me to grieve

You taught me to be loud

Then reprimanded me for it

Taught me to be independent

But only so you could depend on me

Taught me how to keep a home

Taught me to be tame

What it feels to be afraid

How to deescalate

Taught me what submission is and that I hated it

But I needed it to survive

To make a prison a home

You taught me that its harder to say good bye

When your life depends on it

[dontcallmeidontexist]

He was a gentleman when we met

Shook my hand and said glad to see you there

He knew all the right things to do

Showed emotion, full of devotion

He was my knight, my prince, my hero

He made me see what love was

He made me see why it never worked out before

I thought for sure now I made the right choice

Then he started being less gentle

So much more of a "man"

Because thats what men do, right?

He was stronger, tougher, louder

He knew all the right things to do and say

To make me quiet and obey

Knew to throw shit at the opposite side

How to punch at, not me, but the wall next to my head

He knew to spit in my face but never bruise it

To scream til I'm crying but never abuse me

He taught me what the word gaslight meant

Then spent the next two years as a living example

Of how not to treat a lady

Of how to get her to commit

First to you then to death

Because you made her so dependent on you

But he was a gentleman when we met

[dontcallmeidontexist]

I should have left at the first sign

The first outburst of anger

The first time you slammed the door

I should have known

That it would get this far

That it is true what they say

The longer you stay, the harder you fall

I should have read the warning signs

I should have known that throwing pans

Was just step one

I should have seen it coming

I should have been more cautious

Shouldn't have fallen for the trap

I should have left

Before the holes in walls

And sleeping in the car

I should've learned my lesson

The first time around

[dontcallmeidontexist]

We've been together

In times of abundance

I hope you will stay

Once I lose it all

We were lucky to last this long

With so much to be given

But we must fare for ourselves now

I hope you know

I will do my best to keep building

Keep making this a home

To keep the fire going

To nurture our spirits along

I pray to the world that you will still want me

When I am nothing but a forgotten song

Old and with no value, its meaning long gone

But if you try, if you'll have me

I will keep you loved and warm

I hope I'll still remind you of our youth

Even if you don't remember the words

[dontcallmeidontexist]

Just as I was beginning to give up on love and soulmates and relationships

Out you came with all the love in your heart, rushing to sweep me off my feet and loving me back to life

Roughly I have loved you for ten thousand lives now and they all seem too short to contain it all

Greater loves will never arise or even come close, I fear that means neither will yours by far

Everything was right or so it seemed, because there were signs and there were fears, and no matter how much I prayed, hoped and dreamed, still

Guess nothing is meant to last

[dontcallmeidontexist]

You will never understand The unnerving fear that you instill in me That makes me crawl into a ball like I'm once again five How your shaking fists And your needle-sharp finger-pointing Break the glass that is my facade How your words cut deeper than I ever have On purpose or otherwise Making me wish I was not in love

That your cold, abhorrent eyes Drill holes into my heart Breaking what was disguised as love at second sight

You are never going to feel What it feels like to be despised by the one you love To be ambushed by what you thought was love To want to leave, but be too in love

[dontcallmeidontexist]

He kisses my forehead in my sleep

and my body when it's bruised or bleeds

He holds me when I cry

and always makes me laugh

When I mention my wedding

He says it's his own too

He knows that if my dreams come true

He will be the groom

I want to see him reach his goals

and even help him get there

[dontcallmeidontexist]

I love you to the point

I will uproot my life

I will dig myself out of the comfort of what is known

To venture into your world

Into the scary unknown

I will take all my shit

And throw it in the fire

If it means keeping our romance alive

I will struggle to breathe

For ten thousand nights

If it means I'm rationing oxygen by your side

I will sleep on the floor of our home

Over a bed in the castle

I will tire my voice of asking

An unknown god for forgiveness

After going against everything I was taught about family

After leaving what I thought was comfort

To find what is really a home alongside you

Because love is not easy

But its easier with you

[dontcallmeidontexist]

I used to say "I love you" a million times a day

I had no issue repeating it when he said it as well

But he told me I said it too much, It's bound to lose its meaning

So against my very nature, my affection was decreasing

Then one cold spring morning while the sun was shining down

I realized I hadn't noticed, but he might have changed his mind

He said "I love you" a lot more than he had in the past

But with that realization came another sour thought

That after every fight he'd say it as if he somehow forgot

The more he hurt my feelings, the more attempts at convincing

That he could fix my broken heart

After yelling at me early morning, and then storming out

He said "I love you" twenty times before going to sleep that night

When things escalated to door-slamming and then to throwing pots and pans

He didn't hesitate to make love to me until the next fight

Not sleeping at home became the norm, dreading coming home

His feelings towards me, I feared, were not unlike my own

One day he'll realize just how much he lied

He'll finally come to terms with the devastating fact

That he no longer loves me or that he never did at all

[dontcallmeidontexist]

"When it's good, it's great!"

You'll hear her say

She omits the silent "but when it's bad..."

She can't bring herself to say

No one can see the bruises on her heart

Can't see the nooses she longs to tie

Around her neck just to end the pain

"We're just going through a hard time"

She shares that day

"It's only temporary," she swears

"Things will get better," they propose

But the fact that it's been this way since the beginning

She does not disclose

The pain has lasted longer

Than the relationship itself

Maybe a bullet could be

The solution instead

"But he loves me"

She whispers alone

With tears running down her face

As she folds his laundry

Wondering why he's not there

Asking some higher power

If it can spare her the inevitable end

"He's the only one who hasn't left"

She lies to herself

Conveniently forgetting

that he has left before

Or perhaps silently begging

That he'll finally apologize

and admit to all his wrongs

Maybe he'll finally see

All the damage he has caused me

Maybe I'll grow a thicker spine

Before I'm forced to leave here

And leave it all behind