it’s crazy understanding shit and coming to realization. There’s so many things wrong mentally but it takes time to get to know things and understand how they work and why the they work and why it exist. i found pain, fortune, depression, anxiety and found myself to be constantly tired. It’s different when life changes and you wonder what happened that changed. Why was I happy then instantly just felt completely sad and not keeping people near me and hurting people I kept close. it’s hard living on lie, multiple lies. questions fill my head and it brings me down to a whole different emotion I hate feeling. Almost a year later and it keeps getting worse. she’s been on my mind and she doesn’t go away. the dreams feel real, nightmares wake me up not wanting to be awake but also not wanting to be asleep. nightmares give me signs that have multiple meanings and it exhaust me cause it’s one thing after another and spending time getting high and really thinking about situations in my life that I could of prevented from going wrong could of just been an easy road if I had just listened and gave my attention and really looking out for the people that are close to me and show more appreciation, that’s what she needed, was appreciation. now I care and value and wanna show how much someone means to me but I’d rather just be alone or with the one I only trust myself with. good things always get fucked up with bad intentions, and i always think about that. i hate I still miss her, I hate I still love her. i hate feeling pain. i’ve been holding myself back from going insane, she kept me sane and was there for my lows and now i’m at my lowest and fighting just by myself it’s hard to stay up but I do it anyway. sleepless nights, reminiscing because i’m just constantly by myself unintentionally. I just need her to make me whole. it’s hard when you fuck up and not pay attention to the little things and listen to her when she’s right. she’s always right, she was always there when you needed her and she never looked left or right, just looked at you and forgave you and you walked over her and controlled her and made her feel like shit. your pain wasn’t close to her pain but you’re not the same just be sane.
