My weight has effected every aspect of my life for as long as I can remember
I’ve always been super self-conscious about my body, my siblings are both naturally underweight like my mother, where I take after my dads side of the family; who are all arrogant, narcissistic, food scoffing fatties that I actually hate being related to.
As a kid, I was never fAT but always kinda chunky, BUT I was constantly compared to my siblings as I looked morbidly obese compared to their naturally anorexic frames. It was tricky- every mealtime for as long as I can remember my mother would look at me disapprovingly as I ate everything on my plate and sometimes getting a second portion of rice. Constant comments about my weight and whether or not I ‘should be’ eating certain types of foods, how fast I ate them, how often, how frequently, etc, and saying it in front of people!! Like “Oh please, you’re eating like a pig. Stop that!’. I was probably 8 or so.
By the time I turned 15, I snapped and just started eating everything in sight, fuck the consequences. I wouldn’t find out until 2 years later that I had major depressive disorder, adjustment disorder, anxiety, and binge eating disorder. On top of all of this, I was now actually overweight. Amazing. Love that.
The time between then and now has been a clusterfuck of bulimia, restriction diets, b/p, failed grades at uni, so much wasted time doing absolutely nothing with my life and just sleeping all day because I’m too stressed to even attempt anything, constantly feeling like a burden and a failure. I’ve achieved nothing.
And that leaves us with today-
I’m self-conscious to the point where I don't really ever go out, with friends or otherwise, I've never been in a relationship, don’t like people touching me around the middle, I’ve been described by guys as the ‘cool chick friend’ but not someone you date, and I’m a 22-year-old virgin💀😭
This isn’t how my life was supposed to go and I feel like I’ve already completely wasted my youth. For me, the only real thing I want right now is to be thin. For once in my fucking life. I want a sliver of self-confidence that I’ve never had, a chance to not constantly tug on my shirt and stoop to hide my height or only owning 9 pieces of clothing because shopping is too depressing and stressful. I want a chance to do something fun without it all being ruined bc I’m overweight, and is that really too much to ask myself? Is it really so fucking haRD for me to put the knife and fork down and starve? I probably have MONTHS worth of fat just sitting on me. I can grab handfuls anywhere on and around my body and I’m done! I’m over it! I’m bloody sick of having GG cup boobs and massive thighs and zero self-worth. Once I was about to have a go on a fair ride but the seat wouldn’t clip in because my boobs were too big and I was asked get off…. I actually wanted to kms
So this is why I’m serious, why I’m doing it. For myself. No excuses.
I made myself fat, and now I’m making myself skinny.
