DooshLemon

[dooshlemon]

2016.25.12

I've always wondered how to tell people how hard it is to lose someone important to you. And I thought about it lots in the last year. And the best way to put it would be something along the lines of : It's a very strange feeling when you have to count the "last times" you'll ever be able to do things with someone, but it's even stranger when you have to count the "first times" you have to do things without them. There is no winning.

[dooshlemon]

2016.12.25

Merry Christmas dad Did you like the snowflake I got you? Silly right? But you know me, you won't be able to use anything I get you anyways. Hey dad, Today has got me thinking a lot.. About how this time last year we were spending our last Christmas together. I miss you.

[dooshlemon]

2016.11.28

Dad, I made soup today! And it turned out okay :) I made extra and left it for mom for when she came home. She took it downstairs with her ! I'm happy that she's willing to eat it. Cooking reminds me of you dad. I don't know if I'll ever be able to cook as well as you but I'll try. I miss you.

[dooshlemon]

2016.11.15

Dad, People tell me that you wouldn't want to see me sad. But it gets me so angry. I'm sorry. But people don't understand at all. Because they don't realize that If you saw me cry, you wouldn't tell me to stop. You'd be there for me, and then hunt down the person who made me cry. Dad, these days I cry for how painful it must have been for you. And I cry for the days that mom was able to be safe in your arms. And I cry for the days where we were all together eating as a family. And I cry because through it all, you were so strong. And I cry because I saw you and mom hold hands every night. You guys didn't miss a single day. And I cry because mom visits you every week, and sits with you for hours. And the devotion makes my heart break. I'm sad because I can only feel the pain of everything that once was. And I'm sad because it's all the things that could never ever be. Not anymore.

[dooshlemon]

2016.11.15

Dear dad, I talked about you today. To someone who didn't know you. And I was glad to let it out. Its still harder than it will ever be. To tell someone about how painful it was to watch you go. And all the regrets that you must have left behind, with the little time you had left to spare. I miss you. And I realize that each day I'm becoming a bit stronger. I realize that I can be more rational about the way I deal with missing you. But I'm not going to lie. There are days I cry like a baby. And most of those days I'm the worst person in the world. You know what I mean, right daddy? You knew me best after all.

[dooshlemon]

2016.11.14

Grief… Is like wanting to talk to you Every minute of the day, But not being able to Each and every time. And the frustration Of being unable to express how I feel Bottles up deep inside. And people think I’m losing myself, But they don’t realize that It isn’t just today. It’s every day. Every single day. For the rest of my life. Can you imagine How it feels? Of course I’m crazy. I’m losing my mind, Trying to tell you things In a different way Because death Can no longer understand my words.

[dooshlemon]

2016.11.09

But dad, not gonna lie, mom doesn’t appreciate all the little things I do. Its amazing how angry she gets at the fact that even though I filled the cheese for her, she’s mad that I didn’t break it up enough. You’re welcome ?

[dooshlemon]

2016.11.09

Dad, I miss you. I didn’t realize how big of an impact you had but you really changed mom’s perspective. She did actually stand up for me and told her to stop. And she said she did it because you told her to before you left. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. Even after you’re gone. Every day it makes me more and more grateful.

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.31

Dad, I tried talking to mom. Guess what? She basically told me it was my fault. She didn't even try. Nothing about how wrong it is to throw away my stuff. Nothing. Surprise. Guess we were both right.

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.31

So dad... She threw my shoes outside. And I got petty and took them back inside and put her shoes at the very top of the highest shelf... Because we all know she's short. And my friends convinced me to play the good person. So I took it back down. But dad I really want to play with fire. I wonder what you would say.

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.31

Hey dad… Even though you told her to stop fighting with me, she fought with me today. Are you angry at her ? I hope you are. Because I’m so angry. She tried throwing away my stuff dad. So I shoved her. And I’m sorry I had to resort to violence. I wish you were here to tell her to stop. I miss you. Mom’s never on my side. And you know that she would always get mad at me even when I wasn’t wrong. The little one is leaving soon. And he’s been keeping the peace in the house. What will I do when he leaves too? You won’t be here and he won’t be here. And I’ll be by myself fighting two people of the same mindset. I might have to leave too. I’m going crazy.

[dooshlemon]

Dad, Are you worried about us? Grandpa said you were definitely coming because you missed us. Was it because we were all crying beside you during your last breath? I'm sorry we made you feel bad before you left. We miss you, you know?

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.30

Hey dad, The little one is leaving the nest soon and mom will be needing some help. What would you have done ? I'm worried about her decision making, I'm sure you worried about it too. We all know its not her strong point. Is it okay for me to be selfish? Is it okay for me to support but not be fully involved ?

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.30

Dad, I'm really worried about mom. What should I do? I don't think anyone can save her but you. And you're the reason why she's like this now. Should I be angry at you? Or grateful that your love for each other was that wonderful?

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.30

Dad, Every time I eat, I miss your food.

[dooshlemon]

2016.10.30

Dad, I only know how to cook that one dish you taught me. I can't cook anything else though. I guess I don't want to. Reminds me too much of you.

[dooshlemon]

10.30.2016

Hey dad, I miss you, you know ? And I don't know who else to tell but you. Because no one seems to understand. And I'm having a hard time trying to be strong.