In high school, my emotions and self-concept were often influenced by others. I’d be careful acting around others because I wanted to make sure I please everyone. I’d be disappointed by others’ careless words or minor gestures. Quite sure it was the hormones and just me going through puberty but friends and social status were everything to me at the age of 15. This constant process of being and not being myself was just very tiring. I’d ask myself what truly defines me and who am I? Am I what I do or who I hang out with? As a teenager I had to work my way through one of the most challenging aspects of life - this concept of self.
I’m grateful however because I had a God. If it wasn’t through Him, I would continue to wallow in self-pity and stumble upon my own insecurities and fears day by day. I couldn’t save myself and there was no way out. It was a ceaseless cycle of juxtaposition. My identity and this purpose of life that we all ponder about would’ve still been vague.
When I accepted the fact that I’m weak and helpless. That I couldn’t let go of my self-consciousness. That I couldn’t help putting so much efforts at doing so. And that I couldn’t feel comfortable and belonged. God helped my way back to Him.
For someone growing up in a Christian family, I’ve walked away from church for several years. So I’d never thought I’d ever land my hands again on the worship CD that I’ve sneaked out from my father’s long before. But that one afternoon when I went home from school and was at my lowest because of an argument with a very close guy friend of mine, I had the urge to listen to those songs again. Our disagreements and misunderstandings with each other have been notorious and have been long story. It was exhausting and right then at that moment I decided to just let it all out. So I closed my door, leaned against my bookshelf and tapped this CD into the player. When the third song was played (Redeemer, Savior, Friend), I couldn't help but teared up. There was much tears running down my cheeks; I was emotional and overwhelmed by the lyrics I had in hand which goes like so: ”I know You had me on Your mind when You climbed up on that hill.” ”Redeemer redeem my heart again. Savior come and shelter me from sin. You’re familiar with my weakness. Devoted to the end. Redeemer, Savior, Friend.”
I was very much comforted, encouraged, and strengthened. I was reminded that God has been there all along and I could easily bring myself and my problems to Him. When I looked back, my immaturity certainly blinded me into idolizing friendships over everything including my own family to the point I have been hurting them and was unaware. And for the first time ever, I felt completely powerless to fix a relationship. It was out of my control and therefore I was defeated. However God was able to use this happening to struck me out of my oblivion and ignorance and I was then able to see so clearly how my priorities should be placed. I was so prideful I walked away from God but like the son who’s left home and returned, I came back seeking Him again, because He sought me first.
I realized when I start to set my priorities for God, who I learned and believed to be the one and only Creator of the entire universe, things became a lot easier. Burdens were slowly coming off my shoulders even though it wasn't easy - the bitterness I had toward this friend and the unease of being around him and receiving others’ judgments. However when I fix my eyes and set my hopes on God, I became a lot more joyful. I was starting to understand the grace of God and this experience reinforced what I used to believe and learned as a kid. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son to die on the cross for us because we are UNABLE to release ourselves from sin’s hold. He rose again, conquered and broken the power of death and now whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. God’s love, Jesus’ crucifixion and salvation, His grace and mercy - they all have been so simple and beautiful.
I never really made up with this friend. But God continued to provide me true friendships that I today continue to give thanks for. It's a lifelong lesson to learn to surrender and to LET GO of a lot things that I can’t control of and leave them to God. He has a great plan for us even though His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8) but keep in mind the plans He have for us are certainly not to harm us but to prosper us (Jeremiah 29:11). He’s freed us from our sins and He’s guaranteed us eternal lives. All we ever needed to do is to open our hearts to repent and to receive Him as a Savior and then to accept His grace, a freely-given gift - a wonderful blessing of walking with Him throughout the rest of our lives. What’s so hard to believe in and to have faith? Though eyes could not see, my heart ensured His reign.
When I understood who I am, that I am already being loved, I was ready to let go. I was learning to forgive and to start radiating love toward those around. And I was looking forward to immerse and enjoy in His presence every single day.
Though eyes can’t see, whoever seeks Him shall find (Matthew 7:7). May anyone out there who’s hesitant and have once walked away from God allow Him to rejoin into your lives again. You belong to Him and Him to you.
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