Nu ser jeg natten i farver

Marc Middle Millennial 🇨🇭>🇺🇸>🇬🇧/🇩🇰

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A reading from the holy Gospel according to Gadd:

For something to be toxic, it has to also be intoxicating first.

In the name of the Brother, the Lover, and the Shagger, Amen.

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The HBO Social Media Girly deserves a raise

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Potentially unpopular theory: Niall doesn’t reform his life after getting with Alby. He continues to visit the bathhouses and engage in extracurriculars throughout their relationship and engagement.

We know that the only thing he’s truly ever felt is his love for Ruben and everything else he does is to numb that need. He loves Alby, but not in the all consuming must-have-at-any-cost way he needs Ruben. I’m not sure Niall has ever named his love for Ruben in those terms, but we see the destructive habits he develops to cope. And while he seemingly has resolved his self loathing for being gay, the other part of the equation, Ruben and his approval, is still missing. Not to mention the whole fatherhood betrayal.

Alby is like Ava, a respectable and appropriate partner, for a now-accomplished author. Even once he’s accepted his sexuality, Niall is still chasing the life the thinks he should have, rather than the one he wants.

The pit of his stomach probably dropped when he felt the all too familiar guilt of stringing someone along he wasn’t fully dedicated to. And friends like Butch wouldn’t necessarily call him out on this. They would keep his secret to continue their own connection, no one else needs to know. He probably got better at masking, being more careful with his partners and anything he took to disassociate, but I don’t believe he stopped cold turkey. But Ruben is far enough away and enough time has passed that he’s found a way to make it work.

That is, until the one person he’s ever felt anything for shows up and he willingly walks with him - risking it all to get his fix from his love/abuser/brother/idol/addiction

[yourchocolatenachostudent]

Love is...

...to bring flowers to your boyfriend brother, because he's going to have a baby with you

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In the early 2010s you, a closeted gay man that has slept with nearly half the male population of Scotland’s Central Belt, impregnate your brotherlover’s wife - whom you lost your virginity to with his active involvement in 1987 - and years later he shows up uninvited to your wedding to another man - a man he maimed in 1989 because he pushed you and no one but your brotherlover gets to put their hands on you - and you’re terrified because when he was last in prison you confessed to your brotherlover that you fathered the child he always wanted - immediately after he shared his darkest secret with you - and he’s forgiven you for so much before but this is the one thing he cannot get over and yet you still look for his permission to say “I Do” AT THE ALTAR and later follow him into a dusty barn during your wedding reception letting him lock you both in because he is the one person who has ever made you feel anything real and anything else you’ve tried to replace him with never can

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Listen, I like Alby. But there was no way he could compete with this

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They’ve already been sent to Hell’s HR due to their behaviour several times

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Unlike his attacks on Benji and Alby, Ruben’s final attack on Niall was personal, intimate, and sexual.

For all that we’ve been through, I still trust you more than anyone.

Ruben looked into Niall’s eyes chanting I love yous, his body engulfing the one person he’s cared for the most in his life. Draining the life from Niall one last time, this time in a way that cannot be undone. Jealousy wasn’t the catalyst this time, it was betrayal.

You love me, don’t you?

Even after everything they’ve done to each other, they still love one another the most. Niall finally said out loud what the audience has known all along.

It’s the only thing I’ve ever felt.

Not love for his new husband, his children, his mother, or his career. For Ruben. Even as he’s killing him on a dusty barn floor.

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We don’t talk enough about Niall’s ovaries exploding in this scene

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Imagine being Alby’s therapist expecting a nice and easy post-wedding session only to discover that the real love of Niall’s life showed up and now they’re both dead.

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Not to out myself as a sicko but I assumed those were Ruben’s cum stains on Niall’s wedding kilt.

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Also I need a word with this man because what do you mean he didn’t he run for the hills when Glasgow’s # 1 Chaos Twink walked onto his ward???

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Have we considered the very strong possibility that if Niall had come out to Ruben in their teenage years and they had acted on their attraction & gotten together, Niall would have the same fate as Mona? Love is powerful but we have to accept that it alone can’t undo the severe trauma Ruben experienced. Would Ruben have allowed Niall to even go to university? Oxford would’ve been a non-starter unless Ruben had received a lot of help. And his idea of masculinity doesn’t seem to allow for that professional help.

And unless Ruben does the work to overcome this trauma, 2010 Niall would be the one sitting at a set dining table for two, alone & crying. Conflicted by his love for Ruben, the suffocating reality that he may never change, mourning the boy he was, and resenting the man he’s become.

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Ruben “I’m either going to fuck or kill my doe-eyed stepbrother in a barn on his wedding day” Pallister

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Sitting with the fact that Ruben literally approved of Niall being a married man before they both left this mortal coil

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Niall Kennedy KNOWS Ruben Pallister more than any other person in his life and yet he still went into that barn, watched Ruben barricade them in, and prepare for violence. He knows what he’s done to the most important person in his life won’t be forgiven. He knows what Ruben is capable of when he feels wronged, and still goes with him. And because this is Ruben, his life force, he’s honest - It’s The Only Thing I’ve Ever Felt. Because if he is going to die, which he knows is a possibility, he’s not going to leave that unsaid.

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And after all that, the cycle continues. Mona needs to get Baird Pallister-Kennedy into therapy stat.