Those lost in a sea of utter temptation

homesick

[douloureu-x]

Gardens

I think, when the world decides to conceive us, it gives us a little something. a gift for being born into this cruel place, a token, of what life has to offer. you’ll find boys with hearts like forests and women with the ocean tides etched into the bottoms of their feet.

I, was given seeds, tucked into the crevasses of my ribs, hidden inside my sternum. for nineteen whole years I wondered why the world just left them there, to stir up my insides and rattle my bones. no matter how much I nurtured and loved and planted, I was left with only an empty heart and endless seeds.

I never knew what I had until I met you with the sun itself melted into your iris’s, we touched and I felt something dig in deep. all the care and attention in the world can’t convince a flower to bloom in the shadows but since day one you’ve lit me up, sunbeams dancing on your skin and hidden in your veins.

we collided. my stable earth met your free sky and now I have gardens. no more rattling seeds to remind me how hollow I am, instead I am full; chrysanthemums, violets, daisies, tulips. they all line my chest, and they all absorb you. for nineteen years I’d been letting my roots grow deep, and now I got to see them sprout.

you see, it’s easy to plant seeds, but hard to make them thrive. but don’t you know everything grows towards the sun? and that is how I grow now. towards you and with you, you’ve started an environmental movement, and soon everything will be covered in flowers, all in full bloom.

[douloureu-x]

Weapons of War

We call ships ‘she.’ We call our war machines ‘women.’ We compare women to black widows and vipers. And you’re going to tell me it’s not ‘lady-like’ to scream, to take up space, to fight and demand respect and do whatever the hell I want. You’ve looked at nuclear bombs and been so in awe that you could only name them after women. Don’t try to down-play my power, I hold it in my hands, in my heart and it’s something a man could never fathom controlling

[douloureu-x]

Ease

  It’s easy to fall in love with someone from a distance, you get to see all the little things. the way they smile at a bad joke or how they drum their fingers when they’re bored.   It’s easy to fall in love with someone you thought you could never fall in love with. you’re able to open them up when their heart is elsewhere and see how it beats. you’re able to find your place.   It was easy for me to fall in love with you. I got to stand by and watch you turn into someone I could know by heart, that I was mesmerized by. I got to become enthralled with the world again, but by your side this time.

[douloureu-x]

Happiness

I have a feeling I'll never be one of those girls with regular dates and boy to hold hands with. I have a feeling that I'm one of those girls that instead of saying, "I miss you." I'll say "I need some time alone with the stars." but the thing is, I'm not scared of being alone. there's a big difference between being alone and being lonely. the difference is happiness. you can be alone and happy, but loneliness and happiness are hardly seen together. and I, am happy.

[douloureu-x]

Ambulance

   Your body became my home, I could get lost in the echo off your hardwood floors and the drips of your broken kitchen sink. Even with my eyes closed I could trace every last crack in the wall, even the ones that you tried to plaster over.   Your hands were my foundation, they could guide me through even the darkest rooms. They gave me balance and taught me that even callused things can hold you up. When I told you I was closing my eyes on winter night drives your heart became my ambulance. You put everything you felt into vitals pumped directly through my veins you gave me the life my body was aching to feel.    I could ride for miles on your frail aluminum stretcher just to feel warmth in my hands again.   Riddle me with needle pricks and IVs, because it’s nothing compared to the hole I feel when you’re gone.

[douloureu-x]

Chemicals

    You called me toxic, but he, he calls me honey. He begs me to slide myself down his throat so that the words he speaks can someday, be just as sweet as me. To you I tasted like dandelions, leaving every inch of your mouth bitter, my name only intensifying your distaste. He plants me gardens, roses, daises and lilies, that spell out "I love your smile."      One of the first things you told me was that you hated music but he calls me a symphony. Maybe, that's why we didn't last more than 67 days, I was playing you songs and humming you tunes but you were only blocking it out.    I am not meant to be someones brick wall, I am meant to be someones painted canvas, full and alive. To you I was only a string of chemicals that slowly began to eat away at everything you felt like you needed to live for. To him I am a foundation for something beautiful. 

[douloureu-x]

Yearning

 You left a gap in my chest, and with him it felt full again.   I'm starting to think that it was just his hands digging around looking for something of substance. When he came out empty handed he pulled me apart, looking for love behind my sweet tooth and under my tongue, struggling to find desire on the soles of my feet.    Trying to find purpose between my thighs but only leaving me emptier than before, leaving me yearning for him but only finding all the other skeletons he had hid me among in the depths of his closet.   When will someone want me for more than how far they can get under my skin, or how long they get to remain on it? I want someone to peel back every layer of my flesh and love me for the way my blood flows and my muscles grow, not for how hard I kiss them, or where i touch them.    Letting so many people pull you apart and unravel your seams, will only leave you with more gaps and no way to fill them back up again.

[douloureu-x]

Timeline

   Day 1: Its started to burn a little, like a scab ripped off a little too soon. You were ripped away too soon. 

  Day 15: I don't give a shit about you, i hate your stupid face and the things you ruined for me, i hate the year you took away and the parts of me you took with you when you packed your bag and left without locking the door.

  Day 28: I didn't mean all those terrible things i said, you're still the only one i want to call baby at night and the only one whose eggs i want to burn when i try to make you breakfast in bed. you re the only one you're the only one you're the only one. 

  Day 40: A man on the train smiled and called me pretty today, his eyes were the same color of yours so i told him to go fuck himself. You left every inch of my mouth bitter with missing you. 

  Day 54: I bought new bed sheets yesterday, the old ones had too many crumbs of our love stuck in the folds.

  Day 71: I have come to terms that you're never going to come back, and that's okay now, everything ends, in heartbreak or death. it ends. our love had died long ago, but its finally time to bury it along with all the demons it brought me.

  Day 102: He whispered how enthralled he was with me into my rib cage and left love under my skin in the shape of roses, but i still look for you in every single one of his vowels and consonants. I cant help but kiss him back when he says his R’s just like you do.

 Day 122: I'm sorry I ever thought I could be over you.

[douloureu-x]

Thunder Storm

There’s something so beautiful about loving someone you know is going to hurt you. Like standing out in a thunder storm and daring the lighting not to strike you, nor the thunder to shake you.    I want you to shake me, like the wind bends saplings down to touch tainted soil I beg you to bend my body to your will, show my muscles new ways to strain and stretch over hurricane hardened bone. Blow me back, snap my limbs and shake my leaves.    Teach me what it’s like to love a storm, put my heart into snow and freeze me out. I am a boulder for you to weather, down to pebbles and sand, until all that’s left is a beach for you to walk on.    I want to prove to you, that your love, your storm, is something I can weather.

[douloureu-x]

Wildfire

  One day, you'll meet a boy with a heart like a forest. Rivers flowing from capillary to capillary, valleys and meadows hidden in sinew and muscle. He'll let you in to explore among the redwoods and oaks,  to find the tree standing tall and hidden in the forest behind the left semi-lunar valve, with initials of past explorers scarred into its loving trunk and preserved in amber blood.    You'll be able to wander into the most tangled veins, spiked with brambles that guard the garden made for his mother, filled with the same strain of lilies that the preacher placed over her hard pine home before she entered a new world. Decorated with all the plants she taught him to buy for the love of his life so she'd know he was the one, only the fragrance of love here.    Travel towards the fast paced river that protects the new saplings and sprouts, planted by the feeling he gets when he looks into your eyes. Each one marked with a date that it was born, a tag to remember when he started to fall in love. 

One day you'll meet a boy with a heart like a forest, and you'll start a wildfire.  

[douloureu-x]

Weak weeks

  Every time you lie you close your eyes so the tiny purple veins look like lighting striking just before I hear the rumble of words cascade from your mouth. Something I know I shouldn't believe, but will anyway because everyone knows there’s such beauty in storms.    On Monday you were my tsunami, my overwhelming wave crashing my shores and beaches, everything in shambles. The same way after we kiss, for hours my tongue slips and stutters, only composing broken sentences, starting with your name.    Transforming into a volcano on Wednesday, fiery and yearning for a fight when all my body is searching for is passion. Scorching every field of love in your way. I've become certain it’s easy to mistake rage for passion because both are only felt when the heart is truly let loose.    Sunday, you became my own personal rapture, ripping my world apart, destroying entire fields of my mind and leaving nothing but need in your wake, my body becoming my only offering for redemption.    I’d lay myself down on silver sheets, a platter for your hunger. Every touch ripping my heart apart and in that moment it seems that the meal of our sin could last you for years but in what’s left of my bruised heart, I know in six small days your eyes will close, the lightning with flash and again my body will be yours for the taking, but darling when isn't it?

[douloureu-x]

Warning.

 When I was younger my parents always warned me to hold my purse close to me when talking long walks or Saturday night subway rides, but they never lectured me on how close to hold my heart when I met a boy with sharp teeth and intent to bite.   There were no speeches about words that were simply honey coated cyanide, mixed together especially for my lips, or words laced with cocaine that only seemed to make my need for hands, that only knew how to bruise, grow stronger.   I was never told of the dangers of a lovers hands, how they could rip you apart. Then much too often I looked at yours, snared in my veins, unstitching me at my most vital seams the only thing left to hold me together, natures strongest adhesive: love.

[douloureu-x]

Body Mass

   Have you ever calculated the difference in pressure from when I lay in your bed to when you are alone? Do you imagine the difference between her body mass and mine? I think you do, knowing that I am weighed down by much heavier things, a world inside me a tide in my soles and a forrest to hide my beating heart. Her body is like butterflies and rose petals singing to the sunshine when it comes out, and never shying away from a summer breeze.    My eyes look at you with stony pupils and cloudy iris’ while hers, dance like crystals and dew drops, with a voice to match a songbirds melody, while mine sinks, grazing even the deepest of ocean beds and only digging deeper everyday.   Calloused body and calloused soul I struggle to keep my old skin, rather than shed it, hold on to every part of myself that I’ve ever known, keep track of every fingerprint that has ever made a burning impression. Freshly hatched from her chrysalis I am no comparison to butterfly wings and flaxen skin. There is no comparison, for everything that she is there are sixteen things I am not.    The next time I see you I’m going to ask you to touch me harder, and remind me why I keep this old skin, riddled with hand prints of those who’ve left and scrawled memos from lovers on the bottoms of my wrists reminding me, “please never again.” I will kiss you until I feel my shoreline break, until the word inside of me has found you. A god among those who cannot see anything else, and I will whisper you every part of me that pales to hers, only to hope you learn to lie through your teeth. 

[douloureu-x]

Word of mouth

 I miss the lines of cursive you'd carve into my stomach with your tongue, telling me how beautiful I am no matter what the mirror yells at me every morning. Words never spoken but always there deeper than the stretch marks and scars you left them, beautiful.   I miss the sound of your voice, a simple cadence that stayed with me all day reminding me to be careful with my delicate skin, and even softer soul. "Walk a little slower, don't bruise your knees." A song to my still motion life, twining with the song birds voice and sparrows gentle hum.    I miss your lips, kissing roses into my ribs so when I went to rip myself open later I'd see the garden you left me and remember your bodies gentle touch as we sinned in the most beautiful way, teaching me what love really feels like.   The lies you've told hold no weight to how beautiful your mouth is, holding parts of my essence behind your sweet tooth for when your body is missing me, you told me the first time we kissed, "If could live off of heart and soul I'd devour yours without stopping to chew."

[douloureu-x]

Feelings: 5713

  I'm almost certain that it's not blood running through your veins, but honey. Sweet as my southern coast sunsets and warmer than our bodies when they touch. After every word you say I can almost see the crumbs of sugar roll from your tongue to your lips and linger there, waiting for my hungry mouth to absorb them all.   Even your harshest words only come out as butter knives that fall to the ground before they even think about touching my skin. Every month since day one there's been a day where tell me that you can't possibly keep up with me anymore, my zero to sixties in under a second, anger blossoming from abandoned splenda packets you left on the floorboard of my car and sadness seeping from every lost movie ticket stuck in the visor.    Once every month despite my rough edges, callused heart and bitter tongue you tell me you love me with your eyes, and with the way you leave the door unlocked after I leave because anger never remembers house keys. I will tug at your insecurities until the strings fray, and you let me stretch out the seams of your heart without a second thought because you know in my mind I already know what you look like completely unraveled.    We mix like honey and water, two completely different substances always different, but always able to come together when the times right, but still touching when its not. Together we have a shelf life that could out last generations of lovers quarrels and slamming doors, fighting our way through the days we think we're close to expiration and in the end adding another year. I know now, there's nothing sweeter than honey. 

[douloureu-x]

Feelings: 43013

I want to feel your chest move under my hands and I want to feel the cracks in your lips. Let me love away all your loneliness and kiss the memory of her out of your mind. I think I've told you I love you a hundred and twenty seven times and each time it comes out harsher than the one before it. That is my heart building up walls to hide from your eyes. You make me hate my own skin and bones, flesh and muscle. I want to rip my heart out and let you look at how it beats in morse code, every single letter of your name blood pumping to the rhythm of your uneven breathing. I was never what you asked for, but always something you wanted. When your lungs slow and your mind quickens the taste of me slips back under your tongue so when you wake up you taste how bitter you have made me.

[douloureu-x]

41113: Feelings

  I'm scared but I'm committed, there's no one i'd rather dedicate my sorrow to than you.   You are all the things we love but don't have the heart to admit: Strangers bedrooms, wanting hands, seeing your mother cry at the sharp words of your younger brother, and thunder storm sparked fires.    Heartbreak and headaches, steaming souls and mindless bodys, I trust you with my well being more than I'd ever trust myself because really, you are the better half of me.