My first post here is a deeply personal and rather intense post about my relationship with my estranged parent.
I thought about going back and deleting it a few times since. Shame is my number one shackle and I do get it randomly.
I realized I was ashamed of talking about what happened there.
After further dissection of this feeling, I understood that logically, I have nothing to be ashamed of. All of the things that happened were things that happened *to me*, while I was still a child. But the feeling sat in my stomach like a knot still. Then I realized that I felt that those things happened to me because I am me.
I felt that, feeling worthless all this time, I associated that feeling with the deepest parts of me. The parts that go beyond being someone's child, sister, friend, etc.
But sadly, any child who was born into this family would experience the same thing. The issue was not my personality as a 2 year old. The issue was with the adult in the room.
Truly getting over things require deep, brutal honesty. I won't medidate on this for hours. I won't read books about it. I won't research or talk to other people. I'm just gonna look within, and hard. And yes, you can do that. Any single thing that says the relationship with the self must be complicated, long and draining is lying to you so you'll get into their scheme, trying for a lifetime in elaborate settings, special destinations,with bells and whistles. Seriously, whoever was that first guy or gal who made us believe something so fundamental and accessible was out of reach was a marketing genius.
The only thing that stands in the way of you and you is ego.
So I am looking hard, within, and making observations about it,talking about those observations, and living with them.
I am looking at the mistakes of people before me and I am making choices that I think will yield positive results.
I am choosing, actively. To be safer within my mind, to be more connected with myself, and to erase the dirtiest player the game has ever seen: shame.
I am choosing to let go of the past that is out of control and reach, and I am choosing to take responsibility in every area I possibly can.








