this meme made me realise that other people apparently know how to show empathy without personal anecdotes
… how…. please teach me
I’m pretty sure none of us will get answers but please…if someone knows the secrets to showing empathy without personal anecdotes please speak up. We need answers
(Me (adhd + autism) can show empathy, but not sympathy. For me, it’s like I do the exact same thing, but as well as showing empathy through anecdotes I show sympathy through empathy).
@decabus @some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat @messynogenderpotato
I have somethin I guess? I’ve been the Support Friend for most of my life so I managed to get it down to a formula. TW: dog death
1. Ask Questions
This is mainly to keep them talking, that way a) they feel like they have a confidante in you, and b) the pressure is less on you to Say Things. In fact it shouldn’t be about you Saying Things at all, it should be you figuring out where they’re at and trying to understand. E.g. “My dog died, I miss him.” Ask questions, and when they start talking, let them talk. “What was his name?” “How and when did he die?” “Tell me about him.” “What was he like?” “What’s your favourite memory of him?” “When did you first meet him?” “Did you teach him any tricks?” Again the point is to keep them talking, the questions are just to get them on a roll. If you’re worrying about what to say next, listen to what they’re saying and ask details of what they’re currently talking about, or mentally prepare your next question.
2. Listen
Let them talk. The more you listen to them talk, the more they feel like it’s okay to talk to you. If they dwindle off, ask them something else to get them talking again. Upset people usually have a lot to say.
Every now and again you can throw in little sentences like “Wow, what a bitch!” “Aw, so sad.” “What the fuck? Why?” just to prove you’re still listening and following, and haven’t wandered off into space.
3. When they’re done, give it back to them
It’s a technique called mirroring. Sum up whatever you heard in short form - if they’ve talked for half an hour about the little details of their deceased pet, say something like “It sounds like he was a very good boy/sounds like he meant a lot to you/sounds like you will miss him.” It’s been known to make people dissolve into a sobbing mess, because this is the part where you prove you’ve done your homework, you listened, you care, you get it.
4. If you really want to offer a solution, ask first. You can just skip this step altogether tbh.
Only when someone has finished talking about whatever is upsetting them, ask if you can help. “Can I offer some advice?” Now is the time for SHORT anecdotes. Short. It’s not about you sharing your story, it’s about them getting advice. Remember they don’t have to take your advice, again it’s about them and their emotions, and they know themselves best. “When my dog died, I did this. Would that help?” “I read somewhere about doing this. Maybe try that and see how it goes?”
Hope this helps y’all. The TL;DR of all this is basically listen, and prove you’re listening.
Thank you!!!
That explanation really is so good!
as someone with ADHD: this has saved me
Also, most folks are actually fine if you share anecdotes as long as you follow a few simple pointers.
DO Keep it short. Like 1-2 sentences. State what the experience was in simple terms, and state how you felt. Example: “I remember having to evacuate a hurricane path 5 years ago; it was really scary and overwhelming, but none of my in-land friends got it.”
DO pivot the focus back to them after your anecdote so that they don’t feel obligated to comfort or focus on you. Like “I’m so sorry. I remember how hard it was when I lost my grandma. If you need me to pick up some of your shifts, just let me know.” It shows that you’re connecting with their pain, but you aren’t derailing into a discussion about you. DO bring up an experience if it is closely analogous to theirs. If they lost a close friend, mention if you also lost a close friend. If they were disowned by their family, mention if you also have been disowned. Suffering can be a lonely experience, so it actually IS generally comforting to know that other people have gone through this trial and will try to understand and support you accordingly. DON’T say that you know exactly how they feel. You don’t. It can feel presumptuous or like you are dictating the emotions they are expected or allowed to feel. Also, everyone feels pain differently, so its best not to assume you know where they’re at.
DON’T compare your experience to theirs if it’s likely to be seen as much more minor OR much much worse than their situation. Either way tends to make people feel like you are trivializing their pain. Someone mourning their dead brother is not the place to bring up the death of your distant cousin that you barely knew, nor is it the place to bring up the gruesome murder of your whole family and burning of your village. Your anecdote should be there to help them feel less alone, not to to inform them of how much better or worse it could be. DON’T compare situations when it comes to experiences of discrimination and oppression related to an identity that you don’t share. If you got yelled at for being a LGBTQ ally, don’t assume that gives you insight into the experience of actual LGBTQ people. Or if you experience misogyny as a white woman, don’t assume that this gives you insight into the experience of anti-black racism. Etc etc. Summary: be brief, pivot back to them, don’t tell them how to feel, and make sure that your anecdote is fairly analogous to what they are experiencing. It’s not actually bad to share personal stories with people who are grieving or suffering! It’s a common way of showing care! Hopefully these guidelines can help you communicate your care clearly.
WELL SHIT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT NOT EVERYONE DID THIS
I NEEDED THIS