A work in Progress

I just want Happyness. 

[dramacritique]

Bad habits

I really want to work on my bad habits. I want to become a lady. A refined lady. A young adult that's about to make her debut in society. But I have so much to work on. I only have one life to live, so why am I living it like I don't care? I do care, but I don't care enough to warrant that change, and I need to change that!

Things I need to reinforce in my life:

Be more disciplined

Be more responsible for my body, mind, and soul

Be hygienic

Fix my attitude

Form solid routines

Just don't be good at something; be great at it!

Stop being so tolerant of my shortcomings; it loosens discipline

Start and be sure to finish something you started

Stop being such a dreamer and start being realistic; your life is not within your imagination but it's in front of you

Become who you want to be; stop fooling around and get on with it

[dramacritique]

love for literature

I love storytelling, films, books, and movie-making. I love it all. I was exposed to the world of literature and imagination in primary school, I started reading so much because the way the words translated as a movie in my head was elevating. I love it.

[dramacritique]

Fear and Doubt

In anything and everything we do, a seed of doubt and fear will always be there waiting to grow but as long as you do not let it, success will flourish and bloom into your life. But we are not perfect human beings, there are times when it will grow and it will overwhelm us, in those times, never give up hope even if it is easy to just give it all up. Let yourself take a moment, if you need to cry then cry, if you need to be angry then be angry, but only for a moment. When that moment passes then pick yourself back up and try again. Then face that challenge head-on till you have that breakthrough and you finally achieve that dream you've been desiring. You got this! because he will always be there for you!

[dramacritique]

Life As I know it

It is 2023 right now, April 24 and I am at work doing overtime because I volunteered to do so. Life has been good, things have been going pretty well. I have lived with my partner's family for over a year. It was hard at first to adjust but eventually, I created my own routine and built a sustainable lifestyle.

I am turning 25 this year and it still baffles me that my age continues to go up because I still feel like my 18-year-old self but If I am truly honest, I still feel like I am 16 years old. How can time fly by so fast without stopping for anyone?

In the next few days, I am taking a big step in my life. To hopefully own something I have been praying to God for since the awakening of my consciousness. I have been praying for a safe haven from Him on this Earth that He has created. I would be very thankful if he would bless me with it but if it is not the time yet, I will not be mad at him. He knows what is best for me, so I follow his will because he is my savior.

It has been a while since I have updated this blog but just know that I am trying my best to live the life I yearn for! So Goodluck to everyone who is working hard to pursue the desires in their hearts, I pray for your success and just know when times are hard, God's will is just one prayer away! Call him and he will be there to hear your cries for help. His warm embrace is there for you anytime!

[dramacritique]

Dramatique

Sometimes, you can not help but lie in bed and feel so sorrowful when you feel that your life is nothing but an empty vase. No water nor flower devouring the space. I felt like that for far too many a day now. I had felt the most pain knowing that my credit cards need payment. Oh, the horror of the modern world, in which I might have to touch my savings in order to pay them off. Luckily my credit score is surviving. I guess in the near future I'd have to buy my own car... which definitely is something I am dreading. Oh, the woes of the world. One other horrifying reality that weighs on me is the fact that I'll age and die someday. It brings me great fear during moments of emptiness in my heart. I shall try my very hardest to live a full life, to enjoy every passing minute and day. I shall be as productive as ever. I need to be. It is a must!

[dramacritique]

Senses

I feel like I need to really know what I want in my life because depression is right outside my door waiting for me. Haunting and taunting me as if it knows that I will fall any moment. This life that I choose is exhausting. It is sad. Why do I choose to live like this? I just want to be happy. That is all. I wish I could just ignore everything around me and not know anything at all. I need silence and freedom from this painful life. I think I am starting to hate everything about myself and my life choices. I don't like what I have become.

Oh my gosh

I am so negative. I don't think I want to be with it anymore.

[dramacritique]

23 turning 24

So next month is my birth once again and I am turning 24. This year I don't really know how to feel. I'm at a comfortable time in my life, I just quit my job and taking a break for now but soon I know I need to scavenge for a new one. There are plenty of joys in my life but the feeling of wanting to have my shit together already is lingering in the back of my mind. I know I shouldn't pressure myself but I can't help it. I want to buy a house already and start my own garden but I need to just chill and take a deep breath. Sometimes it is really hard to stay in the moment, my mind just keeps wandering off into the abyss.

[dramacritique]

Life is a progress

It’s almost been a week since the parting of my old job. I was employed there for exactly 2 years and 3 weeks. Oh how time flies. I am currently living at my partners house as we too parted ways with our apartment. Let’s just say, we left our many regrets too. I don’t want to sulk in sorrow. I want to move forward and figure out what it is that I truly want. There are so many things that I am looking forward to and will enjoy. I want to be able to stay in the moment and not wonder about the future. I need to just figure out what I need in my life.

[dramacritique]

future before me

Have you ever wondered if time travel was real? If it was possible? What if it is only the mind that needs to travel through the course of time and not the body? Is the will of our mind strong enough to carry out such journey? There are so many times I have wanted it to be so. 

[dramacritique]

the now

Today seems like all days, feeling relentlessly unsatisfied with the life I’m living. I have just read a webtoon about time travel and I wish I could do the same. Is it possible or impossible? I do not know the answer to that. It seems as though my life is just fleeting before me. I don’t know if it is much better than the previous but the same empty feeling still lingers. I try to hold on whatever happiness I have in the moments now but it all seems a failure compared to the visions in my head of the life I want to live. The life I yearn for, strive for... it is out there somewhere waiting to be grasp within my hands. Why can I not just take the step forward and lunge at it, take a hold of it. I know it is there, it is calling out to me every second of every day. I want it so bad. I want it.

[dramacritique]

There hasn't a year where i complain about how miserable my life is. Like how do I stay breathing living like this? How?

[dramacritique]

I'm such a damn hypocrite, saying how people are living their life wrong when in reality I'm doing the exact same fucking thing. Living like a marionette. Fuck my life. And fuck my self for letting myself deal with this bullshit.

[dramacritique]

Is it wrong when you force yourself to give love to someone out of survival? Like I have to put my own joys in life last in order to please someone with love. #suffocating

[dramacritique]

Why do I hide my own joys in life thinking I can have them all in the future? When now is what's important? I depend on such a miracle to happen when in the present I feel like shit every minute of everyday.

[dramacritique]

It's back again, this dreadful feeling is back again.

[dramacritique]

Life Update

Things have took a huge turn! In the middle of 2020 I decided to move out and rent an apartment with my partner! Now it is December of 2021 and we are moving back into our family’s house! Oh how the tables have turn and the waves have fallen! We practically wasted almost 25k living in an apartment, each! EACH!!!!!... It is a shame, it bothers me so much! But what can we do? we can’t exactly turn back time, we can just live in the present and hope for a better future. Anyways so much has happened, it is too long of a story but to wrap it up, 2021 was a slutty bitch filled with depression, blowing of money, lease contracts, apartment and home tours, fucking jealousy, loneliness, all the negative feelings just in one fucking pot. This upcoming year I want to make better choices, financially, emotionally, and physically. 

This year I want to save 45k, I will save and work hard for myself! I have a goal and that goal will be reached! I reach for the stars and make it reality! I want to save between 40,000 - 45,000! I got this and I will make it!

[dramacritique]

forte

I just need to be strong for a couple more months. 5 months to be exact. Then I will have the strength and courage to let go. If it gets really too much. I can not do this anymore. I just want to be alone. and happy.