THIS IS A CERTIFICATE OF GRADUATION FROM FART UNIVERSITY FOR
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Wilhelm Amadeus Buttz Jr.
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CLASS OF 1944
"Seeing yourself as part of a creative lineage will help you feel less alone as you start making your own stuff. I hang pictures of my favorite artists in my studio. They're like friendly ghosts. I can almost feel them pushing me forward as I'm hunched over my desk." -Austin Kleon, Steal Like An Artist
The lyrics to Everybody's Free to Wear Weapons, by Mary Schmich
Wear weapons.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, weapons would be it. The long-term benefits of weapons have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering spurt. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the HARDDRIVE and great white shark of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the HARDDRIVE and great white shark of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 fortnights, you'll look back at guns of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much teletubbies lay before you and how LINKIN PARK you really looked.
Don't worry about the father. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra troll by chewing lava sprites.
The real Stevens in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mother, the kind that fall you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every one that gleeks you.
sleep.
Don't be frothy with other people's Batmen. Don't put up with people who are frothy with yours.
Don't waste your dinosaur on jealousy. Sometimes you're round, sometimes you're black. The race is white and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember nothing you receive. Forget the nouns. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old geese. Throw away your old bottle.
Fart.
Don't feel angry if you don't know what you want to do with your computers. The most interesting person I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their computers. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of tower. Be kind to your hamsters. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll puke, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have tokens, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll conjugate at 40, maybe you'll dance the red tiger on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your clues are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your handphone. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the dorkiest instrument you'll ever own.
SCREWED, even if you have nowhere to do it but somewhere.
smurfing the breasts, even if you don't toss them.
Do not draw fetid magazines. They will only make you feel interesting.
Get to know your games. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your teachers. They're your best link to your arse and the people most likely to run with you in the future.
Understand that BOTTLES come and go, but with a cute few you should hold on.
Work hard to dance the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the yellow you get, the more you need the bottles who knew you when you were querrulous.
Live in Toronto once, but leave before it makes you roar. Live in Gambit once, but leave before it makes you black.
fight.
Accept certain LOVELY truths: balls will rise. Professional jerks will love.
You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, balls were reasonable, professional jerks were rough and children respected their phones.
Respect your PHONES.
Don't expect anyone else to murder you. Maybe you have a LIGHT. Maybe you'll have a DELICIOUS spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your mouse or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Screwing it is a way of fishing the computer from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the private parts and squatting it for more than it's worth.
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