Eldritch Visions

a mostly sfw dumping-ground of my thoughts and dreams of not being human. This will probably mostly be vent posting. pfp by my fiancé, banner by my ex bf

[dreamsofanoldgod]

I dont know what the goal of this blog is, im mostly going to be using it to scream into the void of the internet.

i dont care if you follow or interact, i dont care what happens rn

i am a deeply flawed individual and should not be idolized or empathized with, i have done many wrongs, and i dont believe my rights outweigh them. i am not looking for sympathy or others like me, i am just sick and tired of being the villain in my own story.

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i feel so unattractive rn, i hate my body, i hate my face

my personality leaves things to be asking for

i genuinely feel like people would be better off without me like im a shell of something i used to be

but i think ive always been this shell yknow?

like there should be something more, somerhing deeper, but there never was and never will be

[thezealotsblindfold]

[mournfulroses]

Jeanette Winterson, from "One Aladdin Two Lamps," originally published in November 2025

[dreamsofanoldgod]

every time i step on a needle or a staple i get so frustrated and then so sad

why cant i just be mad at you

why do you have to haunt my heart snd my home

i want to know if yoy still think about me as i do about you

but ill never be able to

i miss you :( i love you :(

clean up your needles :(

[mournfulroses]

Anaïs Nin, from a letter to Henry Miller written c. January 1933, featured in A Literate Passion

[dreamsofanoldgod]

would it even matter to you knowing i still think of you and miss you

[dreamsofanoldgod]

happy birthday, i love you and hope you have a good day

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i still miss you

i still love you

i wish we were in a world where it didnt have to be like this

whether thats a world where i have the money to do it forever, or a world where you worked With me, made a home With me instead of just riding along

a world where you could help me and work with me to maintain something,

i would even struggle as long as you would show the effort that it mattered

thats not the world we live in tho

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i miss the you i thought you were

i miss you the you got into a relationship with

i dont know who you were when it ended, but i still loved him because he was you

i just wish he still was

[dreamsofanoldgod]

if this doesn’t work out and i hurt someone this much for no reason i will never forgive myself.

I am an evil thing, a selfish thing, i have always been subservient to someone and now i am not, and i feel inherently wrong because of it

i am not supposed to hurt the ones i love

good people dont hurt the people they love

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i am once again disgusted with my body

everything this vessel is is not what i am

i wish i could peel off my skin

[dreamsofanoldgod]

why, when i get very upset, do i feel the ingrained NEED to hurt another living thing

what’s the evolutionary advantage of that

what fuckef my brain in such a way that thats how i want to deal wigh problems

[dreamsofanoldgod]

for every fucking step i take i get shoved back 10 feet snd i want to fucking kill myself

[dreamsofanoldgod]

maybe i Should tell him

that way if/when he leaves me i can just off myself without worrying about leaving him in an apartment he cant afford

[dreamsofanoldgod]

why do i feel lonely even with my people

why do i feel like nothing i do matters

why do i feel like a flame burning from the inside out leaving nothing but a charred husk of what i could be in this form

this body isn’t for me but i have to inhabit it

if i leave it i will ruin the lives of others and thats the only thing keeping me around.

i wonder if people could see the extent of the suffering i have no words for, if they would let me leave or just still see it as ruining them

[dreamsofanoldgod]

i want to fucking kill myself