.:Fissured.:.Smile:. @dreamsofbone - Tumblr Blog

I come here to talk about how I feel and not have to choose who listens. I don't know how to reach out to friends. I can't even reach out to my boyfriend...I've just had such bad experience with sharing my emotions. I feel like no one ever wishes to hear it, that I'm just burdening them with needless words..but I feel so alone when I'm scared or upset. As I lay in bed, mind thinking as it always does, I find myself slipping in and out of total despair. I just want to be comfortable with who I am and where I am in my life. I want to be more accepting.

But I'm lying, because I don't just want anything. There's a fucking list of wants that I'd argue are actually needs.

I keep feeling like I need to fix my mind, my brain, the way I think. I fixed my perspective, but still...I never feel like I have anything to say or anything interesting to share. Ever. "I have lost myself and I need to find me, help!" I feel like asking everyone who stands alone in the darkest hour...but they have also lost themselves, some within a mirror, others within a passing sigh.

I'm trying to find things I am interested in, other things. Obviously I'm interested in art. And nature. Where have I gone? I don't know why I've lost myself, but it must have been in that haze of depersonalization that I had lived in for so long.

How do you ask someone to listen to you speak about things that hurt to even think about?

lundibix

This is by far one of the most important things I’ve seen on tumblr because It describes things I was not able to

things we are trying to do all the time:

1. be safe

things we can’t help but do all the time:

1. second-guess ourselves

2. behave impulsively and...

I'm losing weight really swiftly. 4 pounds this week, and possibly more as I feel even lighter. It's hard for me to eat and I can't carry my portfolio and art bin even halfway to school without gasping like a fish and struggling to stay conscious. Too weak too quickly. It must be the Vyvanse. I need to figure out how to best this lack of appetite. I've been trying to eat regularly and eat full meals, but it's not really doing much and is tedious as fuck.

Saying "I love you" is so very, very difficult to do... I can't get my voice to follow through. I'm too nervous; the feeling is too real, too serious.

no-quiet-in-here

extinctosaur

dontraisemyhopes

Tears? The fuck? Why? I'm not even sad at all! Just a little nervous. Everything has been so great and deep I keep thinking I'm done with this blog, that I cannot bring myself to type in here anymore. Right now, I just feel like I could be consumed by all that swirls within me, and I really don't want to be just bobbing away in the center of it all. But then I have to embrace this feeling anyway because I won't ever just stop thinking about something. Obsessive thought doesn't allow it.

Right now, I feel as if multiple levels of consciousness are bubbling around, sifting and surging around me, making myself some bobbing, rickety ship in a ever-changing great sea. It feels like I have multiple thoughts at once, multiple feelings. I feel both charged to do things, and I don't want to do them at all. I feel both sides of the sword, and all around it as well, all at the same time... I feel crazed. I feel like I'm splitting.

My head is tingling and has been for a while. I feel so strange, so strange, so strange... I'm going to take my Vyvanse now... enough of this... I don't like how this feels. I can only think that it means that my characteristics of D.I.D. within my D.D.N.O.S. are starting to bud and spike and sprout lungs.

I hope I'm wrong. That'd be nice.

When you take a pill for your disorder or illness- or rather, lapse in mental balance, it is absolutely akin to taking asprin or tylenol. You take tylenol and asprin to rid you of pain, but this pain has a source and a reason for existence. It's a warning sign, telling you that something is wrong and it is when you follow the pain that you find the source and the issue and can actually take care of the issue in a far more permanent fashion. The pain meds are there to help you plow through it all. To help you continue your life and keep doing what you need to do...but you shouldn't ever forget that you still have that issue. That you're on that pill. That it's not really gone, just in hiding and still needs tending to.

That's exactly how I see it. I just don't want to be dragged down any more. I need to reach the surface for some air, I need some strength back to fight this current.

Getting up in the morning is so difficult. I feel as though I need a reason, something to look forward to, in order to pull myself from the powerful grasp of my bed. I received the call to get my Vyvanse today, so I'm excited about that. I've been battling depression and it's really a hard battle, especially with the paranoia and anxiety building up again.

I just find it really difficult to understand why people are friends with me when I barely ever speak. I just sit in a corner and watch everyone. I'll smoke with them. Drink with them, sometimes laugh...but, to be honest, it's like I'm watching a different species interact. I don't usually get the jokes, or miss the spine, I never know what to say, I feel like most topics are a waste of breath and either boring or pointless to talk about. I can really only do strange nonsense or deep discussions. I also can't break my obsessive thought about myself and insecurities, things I need to fix or understand, things regarding my mental state that I need to work on, and most commonly the very issue: that I sit silently watching people I want to interact with, but don't know where to start and not wanting to invest time to be in a banal conversation. I feel mute and disconnected. I feel as though it is only a matter of time before everyone loses their interest in me, for my aegis of issues just keeps spinning 'round and 'round me and I'm beginning to be lost inside.

I'm hanging on to the light, but what if it gets so small it's beyond my threshold of sight?

I was feeling really in control yesterday, and being that I had just moved back to my mother's, I was thinking highly of myself and believed that I wouldn't need to come here to vent, that I would no longer need my silent voice, but would leave its words for others to find...

Then I woke up today and felt this way. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I'm still sleeping. Everything is so sucked dry. It's like depression without the drag.

The Strattera is definitely wearing off, and my psychiatrist has yet to give me the call to pick up my prescription, for yet again he sends me off to the pharmacy without checking my coverage and now it's nearing a week that I have been off all medication waiting for Vyvanse, and then he'd need to call for Abilify.

I need to go and shower and leave now...I need to be punctual for this class, even though I feel like electrocuted spaghetti.

I guess this blog stays until I get better and just slowly wean off of it. I want a blog for my stronger thoughts, but that will come in time. The internet isn't really the place for me to invest my time.

I'm thinking about putting an end to this blog?

I may be able to move to my friend's apartment when he moves out next week!

He works at a recording studio within walking distance from both my university and his apartment, and his boss is his landlord. If I get my university's communications department to collaborate with the recording studio, this could be a reality.

It's an option, but definitely the best one around.

Had an argument with my psychiatrist yesterday, but in the end he prescribed me Vyvanse.

Win?

My mother's wanting me home, despite how unsafe my stepfather makes me feel, no matter of his unknown reasons for hating me the way he does, feels akin to being ditched again. It feels like a warped version of what happened with my father and me. Washed his hands clean of me so he can fuck any woman he chose....my mother is jamming a daughter she doesn't even know into her house with a man who lays pain pills in her room to try to get her sent to rehab. Her words of encouragement to me are, "Well I'll be home every day so you'll be safe."

She's never been there for me...and when she tried in the DR she took my passport and left me to the wolves of medication and solitude (which, of course, to an ill mind is deathly).

I'm sad all around. I'm really depressed. I have to move out of my boyfriend's house because of their landlord, else they'd be evicted. I'm being forced back to my mother's house and all I want to do is have a little hole in the wall to call my own, to have my car running so I can just go anywhere at any time... She keeps pushing for bus use but I have a fucking car already it's bullshit.

I have to try to not think about it all, because all this is is a distraction. All this is is shit trying to pull me down and I will not have it. I have to have strength in myself. I have to want to be strong and to be me. I need to roll with the punches, nothing changed. Things won't magically get easier for me. I need to find out reasons to be happy and hold onto them for dear life.

Now, with that... I'm going to clean up the room and start putting all of my things aside for moving out.

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