notes: love and obsession have a thin line between them, and most times i feel we confuse them. who knows? maybe they are the same. i guess the way they are both extreme, creates great stories to tell. for the music suggestion, beautiful crime by tamer.
barefoot on the grass listen to me singing
oh there’s the mighty sun and here is the mighty lover;
it’s almost like they are the same.
for i never once saw your face dear, these are just feelings i can’t conceive.
i ought to hide them and never speak.
if i do, i am worried that danger will be the both of us.
since the only thing i know is you.
why don’t you ever stay and why does the winter come?
i’ll paint a thousand paintings, i’ll write a thousand stories
for you are the light i can never feel close enough to.
and when they say i have gone mad, don’t fret.
since my love could never be a threat, for you.
i suppose i am undeserving and devoid of the things someone might need.
but you aren’t just someone, are you?
for no one could ever be as bright, as warm and as unyielding.
no one could be you.
i thought about it the other day, how the oranges taste.
their pieces as sweet as the apples on the burning trees.
and i thought, my lover has done the same.
i walk in flames of agony and anticipation, the only sounds I make are the ones people only whisper about.
so i shall make them sing,
oh there is the mighty sun and there is the mighty lover;
it’s almost like they are the same.
notes: this is something that just flashed in my mind the moment i heard this song. zane's memories from uni include the happiest and the lowest parts of her life. unfortunately this is from the lowest part. i hope to write about her uni years as soon as i can but for now i hope this little thing suffices. for the music suggestion, sen beni güzel hatırla by hande mehan.
Maybe it was in the way he kissed my lips. It felt different. He felt different.
The red threading something through my veins as his passion.
Maybe I should have been better at understanding things.
I just lost all sense. He made me forget myself. Sometimes tragedy brought the best stories forward.
I guess my hands liked exploring him, something new, something to forget.
I always swore not to use anything that could make me an addict, and there we were again.
On the rooftop of the seventh club this week.
I would never forget it, and he would never remember it.
Maybe it was in that one morning after, the sunlight on dark skin.
Hugging him so close and yet feeling so far, almost like it wasn’t me in this moment.
And it would all change in a few seconds, when he would trace my hands with his fingertips.
Why did he have to make me hug him? I was gone.
He just liked me, and I loved him, senseless.
We weren’t a thing and wouldn’t be anything at all, yet I wanted to hold him in front of everyone.
Pulling him in hurt more than pushing him away. But he made me like the pain.
I guess the leaves were falling and he didn’t care summer was ending.
He would always have his hot blood burning at the edge and nothing would satisfy him enough.
I could burn myself even more than he ever could.
Maybe it was in the cars honking and lights passing, 3 am on the clock it said.
Was it tears down my eyes or just him?
My lipstick on his lips, a lighter red than mine, made me want to kiss him again.
And again and again and again.
Maybe I was just stupid but everything faded away anyways.
The closest thing was him, to catching up to a lost feeling, forgotten on a Tuesday.
He would promise to come back this time and I would believe him as a wish.
Broken glass, screaming, shaking, pulling, hugging, looking at his eyes, kissing him.
Again and again and again and again.
I could be his best, I could be better, I could be what he wanted.
A gasp and a tear, something different, something wild.
Maybe I needed to know myself.
Wasn’t he the wildest I have ever seen?
I could have caught up to him if I was different, the way he couldn’t ignore.
How could I ever forget him, and how could he ever remember me as something other than beautiful?
Weren't we the greatest of them all?
How could you run off without even looking back?
You hurt me so fucking much that i speak of you just in words
whispered in different languages i try to lock away.
I'll keep you in this song, maybe, so you leave me alone.
I am desperate, pathetic and unlovable .
But wasn't it too much my baby?
Wasn't it not what i deserved my baby?
And I'll still love you my baby!
A green light hangs over my head.
i don't know how to drive anymore
maybe the headlights will answer me.
tomorrow or today, does it matter?
i'll stay with only myself.
today or tomorrow, would it matter?
my cat is the only one waiting at home.
i didn't know how much you liked summer, now it's august
and i still haven't talked to you at all.
would you have wanted to ride a bike with me around the island?
would you have wanted to go on a picnic?
would you have liked the flowers before they started to lose their colours?
would you have made crowns just to pretend?
i didn't know how much you liked summer, now it's august
and the leaves have started to fall.
notes: life goes by fast, and the older you get the faster it becomes. haven't been keeping track of things that used to matter before, and the things that seemed useless are the backbone of living. something happens at a certain time that just stops your way of life and somehow you are stuck at that age you don't wanna be in. for the music suggestion, veer by fins ara.
i'll watch your breaths,
count them as i did
over and over,
until i feel at peace.
the story could be at its end
but i am still turning the pages
slowly and slowly,
until it's something else entirely.
don't you let go of me now
i still haven't been around enough.
i want to be there when the daisies bloom
and your garden is full of flowers.
tell me the time has been passing
because i haven't moved a bit,
i still see the same places
through my twelve years old eyes.
it's something bittersweet and funny
the taste is on my tongue.
it burns with vigor and hate,
i wonder when it changed
and i started missing it.
i'll make you, your favourite dessert,
"I'll love you"s in every bite.
i hope you can taste it now.
it was something different back then.
-and I'll hold your hand,
painful to recognize the patterns
because we will never be the same
and we haven't even changed.
rose petals fall down the aisle
it's another summer, coming down with the fever.
you hate seeing people happy
and i hate seeing people that remind you of me.
did it need to be so simple that it complicates it?
i'll hold your eyes if you hold mine.
-but don't promise yourself anything.
i was once a little girl,
now i seem all grown up.
-and your new lover's arm on your shoulder,
sneaking glances through the people.
you have just met them
but something tells you it'll be for evermore.
i still stand still on my tiptoes
watching everyone else grow up.
it's all a lie if you want it to be, but i haven't figured it out yet.
i wear suits to feel serious, i fidget with my hands on the way.
my face is bare without makeup, i don't feel superior, just insecure.
and i smile but hide my teeth when i laugh.
i don't know who taught me all this stuff but now i miss being home.
i regret ever coming here.
i wish i knew what was happening
and i didn't need help to figure stuff.
-but i still see the same places, all at once,
through my twelve years old eyes.
nothing will ever be the same
and everything hasn't even changed.
-but what good love is when it’s against the stone wall that I built?
I wish you knew me when life was full of love.
I could have hugged you back then.
Could you be kinder to the soul,
that seeks you like the water?
I wish to surround you
like the love your heart gives.
I’ll never learn but teach me.
So this was all of it was for, to be cared about, to be loved.
Did I learn to love just like my mother,
without care and being reckless,
but still full of everything
anyone could ever want?
I wanna love you just through this thin veil, without words, without promises.
It would hurt too much.
I miss you like the shore misses the waves,
you are still here,
you are still my love,
just to be gone in a second,
just to be forgotten within a few breaths in.
Don’t you wanna see me without my façade?
I can’t promise that you’ll want me,
but I’ll still love you.
-I’ll still accept the hurt you give as love, don’t worry your pretty head.
maybe it’ll kill me but isn’t that how it always ends, my dear?
Would you care for me as a friend?
I’ll love you on the bus stop,
And let you sleep on my shoulder.
I don’t love you.
But when I look at your hands
and thoughts of them on mine are in my mind.
It changes everything.
I look at your eyes,
Hoping they’ll look back at mine.
I’ll show you the scars on my hands if you promise to love them.
Suffocate me,
for your hands are the only ones I wish to die by.
-and I’ll still love you even when my hands are reeking of blood.
...touch my kisses, feel my love with your hands, I promise to feel too.
Will you hate me if I say I don’t like cold hands
just to hold yours in mine?
Will you love me like I love you if I hold them in mine
and never let go?
Will i love you more if you frown at my words
just to hold mine tighter?
I’ll carry out your stuff with the hands that swiped your tears away.
You don’t know me
And i hope it stays that way.
Your hands look like they were made to be loved.
-so I’ll love you with my hands until you love me with your hands.
And there are somethings you just can’t let go:
Like the way candlelight brushed on your features.
It was a happy summer, when I spent it with you.
I would burn it all away if it meant you would stay
A little more.
Let’s pick the strawberries from my garden
And we’ll eat them together, fingertips stained with pink.
I wanna have a taste, and I hope you’ll let me stay
In your arms, against the sun, so far away.
Our thoughts are so far away.
I wouldn’t have begged you if you didn’t mean to
Make me yours and yours and yours and yours.
Carry me towards the end, where it all began,
Sing me the lullabies you know I loved
Will they stay the same or will they all change
Again and again and again and again?
Will they stay the same or will they all change
Again and again and again and again?
notes: it's like a distant memory but when you remember, you remember everything. you wish you knew these things before but all you have is shallow apologies and encouraging words thrown like pebbles on a lake. for the music suggestion, blue by hope tala.
So open and honest it's like you don't know any deceiving.
Your hand on mine couldn't be farther from us.
Eyes on eyes and lips on lips, keep it a secret until the key is found.
I'll carry the empty locket, the one you took out your picture from; Even if it means heavy aches from deep within my soul, I'll carry it.
I guess i just like the way you lie when you kiss me goodbye.
Thinking of it as the last drop in my cup every last time,
Don't you think i hear the rumours even if i am cities away;
Our home is now nothing but betrayal park, a ghost haunting it.
I hope you are happy with her under your arms, the ones i held so close.
And when you kiss her goodbye, i hope it's just like the first time.
When she bakes you her favourite pie, i hope you act like you love it.
I hope you don't break her heart but if you do, i hope she mends it on her own.
God knows some of us need some help about that, but i didn't even walk the stairs on our first night.
So now that i am on my own, i remember every little thing,
The things that didn't even matter before, now costs a lot.
The window pane on your shop is full of raindrops but i think the sun will be out...
i am so happy when i am alone, i only have myself to disappoint. i don't need to matter to anyone else. so when i am with people and finally getting comfortable about myself, it hurts so fucking much to feel the pain and hurt over and over again.
why am i not important next to other people?
i always speak to everyone as they are important, as everyone's special.
why am i not?
please, someone, just tell me the reason i am even abandoned by my family who is supposed to love me so much that it becomes addictive.
the only thing i know is pain, and it's always pain.
It's so hard trying to keep it all together in front of them, and even then my mask cracks a little. no one hears a thing.
i guess she is right when she says i spend too much time in there.
where else can i go?
i am so sorry that i can't be someone to anyone.
I wanna believe people so fucking much when they say they miss me. and i do, i do believe it and that's my fucking fault.
but it's a lie, it's always a lie. how could it not be if the only ending I've ever knew is tears on the toilet seat?
i shout and i scream, don't you hear me?
why does no one care about my feelings as much as i care about theirs?
i truly am unnecessary and unimportant.
i never wanted to believe it but i have always been.
and i guess that's why i try so hard for other people to not feel the same. i know how it tears your soul in parts you can't sew back together.
i am supposed to be hopeful and happy but what is a garden without the care?
notes: i truly think the loneliest moment in life is staring at the sunrise. alone and awake. knowing you should have slept through the night, but feeling like tomorrow won't be different. music suggestion, sorrow by sleeping at last.
I never had anyone to wake up with.
It sounds silly and, it is probably, but i always rubbed my eyes alone.
Lifted my blanket off my legs and stretched alone.
It gets boring quickly.
Maybe that's why i started staying up til the sunrise.
The colours look so pretty, and it feels like the day greets me.
It feels like i am welcomed, and everything will be alright.
I don't feel so alone then, just for a second.
After that comes the hurt of not being able to share this moment and feeling with someone.
I am sad and the blues at the top of the sky make it worse.
And as i go down i see it withering away to white, just before mixing with yellow, and it reminds me of sorrow.
The taste of it very sour, like homemade lemonade i used to make in middle school.
And then it turns into orange, the deeper i go the deeper i feel.
I talked to my therapist the other day and she says depression can make you see the world through the lens of sadness and hopelessness.
I guess she is kinda right about that.
Even the moments that were once so precious to me, that used to bring me comfort, now hurts more than i could have expected.
Everything feels too complicated, i just wish growing up wasn't this difficult.
Because i don't want to see the world through my eyes anymore, it's all so tiring.
And i am sorry but i did kind of lie about getting up and stretching, because even that feels like a chore now.
I used to be so scared of my mom finding my cousin and i staying up and trying to make the best of our limited time together.
Talking about anything and everything in between, doing the silliest things i couldn't imagine doing with someone else.
And i remember us seeing the moon disappearing and the sun going up, laughing it off and eventually going to sleep.
The warmth of the sun on our tired faces and the colours of the sky hugging us like we were newborns.
Maybe that's why i stay up now, i just want to feel that way again.
I was always too nostalgic for my own good, caught up in the past and begging the time to let me stay there.
Alas the days go by, i can't differentiate them anymore but i just know it has been a week or so since i have been staying in my room and lying in my bed all day.
It feels weird being unnecessary.
Like i said the days go by, nothing or no one needs me, i don't need me.
Well... i guess i do look through that lens towards the world.
The worst part is i do know how to fix things but i can't do them.
Or maybe i don't know, maybe i am trying to make myself believe i am still of use to myself.
I guess by the time the sunset is here and all the colours are back, i will still be in my bed.
It makes me stop though, makes me stop and look outside for a moment and feel the day ending.
It's always about the endings with me, huh?
I think i am scared of endings, that's why i try to normalize them in my head so much.
Even beyond that, add some meaning to it so i can think that i still mean something.
Like how when the day ends, the night starts and even in the dark somethings stay alive.
I am afraid, i have always been.
Just hoping and holding onto the precious memory of someone wanting my hand.
I am scared of endings, i am scared of being forgotten and not being needed.
I am scared i will become needy and only seek out people that will help me, hear me out.
I am sorry i am just rambling, i know you have some stuff going on as well.
Tell me about it please, i promise i will try to not think about it for a while.
tagging: @lasswithumor @ravenadottir @bubblelaureno @ariendiel @mistyeyedbi @gin-o-clock @the funniest person (see below)
notes by @offtopicoverload: sometimes the only way to get through someone is with a right hook. go right hook someone today. it’s free. it’s easy. have fun. for the music suggestion, down in the dumps by WALK THE MOON.
For what you fear is what I dream;
When the future comes knocking on your door
You will have no place to hide behind, not a word you can use against me.
And your past will be there to hurt you, no one next to your side
You pushed everyone trying to stand next to you away, knocking them down so it wouldn’t hurt your fragile ego.
I know you are scared of losing things, and I wish I could have sympathy for you.
You deny me feelings, you deny me control, you deny me freedom.
The idols you have will be falling down one by one in the house you made yourself comfortable in,
And when you want to hold onto them for dear life, you will understand power.
You don’t want me to have power, you are scared of me having power.
You are hesitant because what if?
What if I become exactly like you?
What if I deny you everything you could want, everything you need?
And you know your damage control will not work, that’s why your voice cracks and your hands shake.
Look me in the eyes young man, when I am next to you and you try to use my beliefs against me:
I won’t apologise for the fall you will have, I won’t apologise for your humiliation.
I know you are scared of my fury, I know you are scared of me becoming something more;
Something more than you.
The clock is ticking and your time is running out.
All the ideas and all the pleas won’t protect you from the fire you poured gasoline on.
You don’t want to believe it so you make up excuses and try to trick me.
But be very scared young man, the future is now and it is knocking on your door;
For what you fear is what I dream.
Was the dime worth more with my blood on it?
Every single second is dangerous, every single breath is treacherous.
If my hands kept shaking while i was trying to push it away, would i be weak?
What if i didn't stop, what if i kept shouting until my throat was on fire?
Would i be aggressive?
She tried to make me feel like i was the one to apologise, when all you ever did was watch.
Does my fury entertain you?
Why isn't my hand wiping away my tears painful?
Am i wrong?
Am i too conceited?
Tell me without the hurt.
I am used to it, i can take the emotions.
Weren't you supposed to protect me?
I am just a child, how would i know what is right?
My flowers started dying yesterday, all of them just withering away.
I think you watered them too much, not listening to my pleas and letting me have this one thing.
But they'll come back.
Another spring they will see and bloom once more.
I keep wondering, will i get to see the flowers?
notes: i felt nostalgic for a memory i didn’t have, which i don’t even know if it’s possible, but it made me feel happy. and i tried to capture that memory in the best way possible, so i hope you can feel it with me! for the music suggestion, everything stays by giant woman.
Do you want to run away with me?
To a place where you don’t need to listen to your feelings,
You just live.
Just breath and feel the wind move your clothes,
Your fingertips a bit cold,
Your nose a bit frozen,
And you just laugh about it.
Everything could be yours, with a gold coin, possibilities are endless.
And you aren’t selfish if you wish for peace.
You want to be happy, isn’t that human?
Please don’t cry, your tears taste sour.
Look at all the people and their wishes, do you think they are greedy?
Is it wrong to want something for yourself?
Who would care if you cut the flowers to put them in a vase?
Who could fault you for needing a reminder that even in death, things can be beautiful?
Maybe that’s why the coins are in the garden fountain, surrounded by the prettiest of flowers.
Don’t you feel hopeful?
I just want you to smile and let it be a real one.
I want you to feel and not let it ruin you,
I want you to be yourself and not fear it,
I want you to make a wish and throw a coin.
And even if it’s a trick, I want you to believe it.
I know you need a reason and I will give it to you.
I’ll take the blame and be thrown to the sharks, if it means you won’t.
I want you to whisper the secrets you keep, tell the things on your mind to that coin.
And when you let it go, I want you to be free.
I want you to breathe, and hear the birds chirp.
Your heart a bit lighter,
your hands a bit warmer,
Just laughing at the absurdity of the situation.
And i hope you’ll let the hope stay with you while walking home,
I hope you’ll smile to yourself and that will be the most beautiful thing of a stranger’s day.
I hope you won’t need to visit again, but I will be here if you are back, with more coins and more colourful flowers.
notes: feelings are so hard to understand, aren't they? they confuse us and sometimes that's what we need. sometimes we become blind to the truth because "how could it be?" we think this is for the best and what if it isn't? what could you possibly do? how can you scream when you know no one will hear you? for music suggestion, dying is a beautiful thing to do by EASHA.
and there is this one boy that i really like-
he is handsome and all smiles,
unforgettable eyes looking right at mine-
oh how beautiful it is to be in love!
and he tells me everyday how much joy it brings to him,
he tells his mother of our growing affection
he tells her to buy me nice stuff so he can show his appreciation
he can’t give his heart, i beg him not to because i know he craves for it to happen.
he shows me his appreciation.
he shows it to me when we are sitting on a bench in the park,
with one of his arms around my shoulders and one of his hands on my phone
going through my instagram feed, lifting his eyebrow at the ones he thinks that aren’t good for me
so he shows me that he cares and makes me unfollow.
he cares so much about every little thing because he wants me to be the happiest i can be.
he shows me his appreciation.
it’s eight am and i am attending both my classes and his,
his headaches are getting worse and i know that i should be here for him.
it makes me exhausted but that’s okay because i am showing that i care.
if i miss one of it, he reminds me because he knows that i want to show him my appreciation
he promises me kisses and hugs, all i can think is “this is it, he cares too!”
he shows me his appreciation.
i talk with my friends, message them a lot because i love them
they love me as well, always there if i need some attention, a text away
and they let me speak as if they can feel my hurt through the screens we look at
they joke around a lot and make me happy, maybe the reason why no one sees my tears
and i talk to them about him in need of advice and reassurance that my sanity is still here
they tell me it’s serious, is it that serious? he needs me, i remind them.
“yes, he needs you. for his own responsibilities and ego…”
he shows me his appreciation.
my mind is full of regretful thoughts, he cares, doesn’t he?
when he asks me about where i have been, it’s to ensure my safety, right?
when he starts to get angry about my exes, it’s because he wants me, right?
when he remind me about how he cries to his mother, it’s because he wants to stay, right?
doesn’t it make any sense to them? don’t they see that he thinks in a different way but still loves me?
no. they don’t. they can’t see it.
how could they know about it if they never felt his hands around mine and the way he smiles through his laughs because he finds my answers so funny?
“we are for each other, we don’t need anyone else” he says it all the time.
he shows me his appreciation.
and there is this boy that i really like-
he is handsome and all growls,
unforgettable eyes looking right through mine-
oh how tiring it is to be in love!
and he tells me everyday how much joy it brings to him,
he tells his mother of his growing affection
he tells her to buy me nice stuff so he can show his smile
he can’t give his heart, i beg him not to because i know how much my back already hurts from carrying his other stuff.
he shows me his appreciation.
i love him so much and he makes me so happy, there isn’t anything like ours.
he showers me with his kisses and hugs, careful to not touch my bruises and hurt me more.
and my friends all vanished away in the blink of an eye, couldn’t they even say goodbye?
