My Life: in pieces. My Thoughts: in fragments.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ::: SEEMA ::: ▬ I am broken, psychotic (in a beautiful and tragic way) and vacant with a hint of sarcasm, all bundled up in the copper brown eyes that so stupidly mysterious to others (which I never understood). I feel only when I wish to, and I have an intense fear of emotion at the moment. I do not apologize and I do not care.. so just go away, go away, away. fly away. faraway. goodbye. ♥♥♥ whatever pictures/quotations that I post are not mine unless stated otherwise. If you ever see your works posted, let me know, so I could take it off or add credits. thankies. ☻ ♥♥♥ ♠♠♠ twitter♠♠♠ ♦♦♦click here for my other blog site hosted by blogger♦♦♦ ♣♣♣my poem blog over here♣♣♣ ***************************************** ***************************************** leftover life to kill ***************************************** ***************************************** ♥♥♥ you can click the lil linkie below. :D ☻☻☻Strike a comment, I mean, go ahead ASK, or leave me a message. :)☻☻☻ ♣♣♣Share Something, ;)♣♣♣ new TWTR.Widget({ version: 2, type: 'profile', rpp: 10, interval: 30000, width: 'auto', height: 300, theme: { shell: { background: '#702570', color: '#b3a8b3' }, tweets: { background: '#000000', color: '#d1aad1', links: '#eb0788' } }, features: { scrollbar: true, loop: false, live: false, behavior: 'all' } }).render().setUser('driftingseema').start();

[driftingintospace]

Too many words and feelings to fit into this space. Thank you Lord for another year to love people. ✨💗 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp-SpECBfIA/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[driftingintospace]

Let me tell you about my sweet Zacha who happens to have autism. You might notice him at the grocery store or when we're out and about, jumping, squealing and flapping his hands with excitement. It's okay if you stare, it's natural. Sometimes, little kids ask their parents why Zacha is doing that. But don't worry, it's not rude. In fact, it's an opportunity to teach them about stimming and how some children express themselves differently. Stimming is a form of self-stimulation that helps individuals with autism regulate their emotions and sensory input. Some people flap their hands, jump up and down, rock back and forth, or make repetitive noises. It's important to note that not all stimming is harmful or disruptive. In fact, it's often a crucial coping mechanism for those with autism. Unfortunately, many people don't understand stimming or how to interact with individuals who engage in it. That's why I believe it's so important to educate ourselves and our children about this topic. Let's normalize it and not make it awkward. We should strive to educate our children about the beautiful diversity of expression in the world, and how everyone deserves acceptance and understanding. When we see someone like Zacha stimming in public, we should smile and show kindness, rather than staring or making assumptions. I am so grateful for Zacha and the lessons he has taught me. I hope that by sharing our story, we can inspire others to embrace diversity and show kindness to all. ✨💕 #lifewithautism #autism #autismawareness https://www.instagram.com/p/Cpz6HgXheVB/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[driftingintospace]

Don't let the boatload of cuteness fool you, she's a wild one. . . #clemigirl #cleachronicles https://www.instagram.com/p/B5iHW1MlTXL/?igshid=18z5ws3u4lyct

[driftingintospace]

I am learning that so much of our success in our autism world hinges on balance. It’s finding the line between intervening and hovering, being around too little and too much. . . Our school and therapy experience so far has been one big experiment on how much I should be involved and trying to figure out if all of this is too much for Zacha, or if it’s the push he needs in development that I can’t give him at home. It’s hard for me to let him go without me, but I don’t feel it’s right to shelter such a sweet spirit when he could be a light to so many other people. . . These past months he came home and showed me so many new skills I had no idea he could do. He writes, he reads, he sings, he now talks about random stuff when last year he barely makes audible sounds, his vocabulary vastly widened and he is now talkative more than ever. The littlest things truly amazes me. It was a sweet confirmation to me that we are in the right place at the right time, and there are times and seasons for togetherness and flying solo. Now is his time to fly. . . Be amazed by your child for life, I know I am and Nourish your child’s every possible. . . I'm leaving you with this question Momsies, "When was the first time you were amazed by your child?" . . #AmazingPossibles, #NANKIDPH, #theAsianparentph #TAPVIPMoms https://www.instagram.com/p/B5cn4lHl8uX/?igshid=j2nyfh2sfk4

[driftingintospace]

this is the dream: you are here and nothing hurts and everything is blooming. ~ alison malee 📸 jgsavoie (at Bangui Bay Windmill, Ilocos Norte) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5VX_qHFtPV/?igshid=h0j39tqdcdps

[driftingintospace]

Babies you light up my world like nobody else ~ #thesavoiekids https://www.instagram.com/p/B5PZ_-WFc8Z/?igshid=1tni7p4ic2i0j

[driftingintospace]

I have a person. I love it the most. I call it "myself" (at Bantay Bell Tower) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5JY7PmlJPE/?igshid=fzrfwr1jbfiu

[driftingintospace]

Clemi girl - she is the perfect cocktail of sunshine and joy, and sass and majorrrrr attitude. She’s a handful this one, but holy moly am I so in-love. . This season that God has me in, is a little bit wonky, full of learning and growing, undoing and rebuilding, it’s wildly messy - but I’ve never felt more alive. 💖 #clemigirl #cleabear #cleachronicles https://www.instagram.com/p/B4y5jnQFulZ/?igshid=1giie91eefhwx

[driftingintospace]

Oh my Zachabear. . Cried and almost had a meltdown because he didn't want to go to school today. When we arrived at the school's parking area, he started saying "I'm done with school. No more school. Going home." I had to drag and carry him out of the car and go inside the school premises. He calmed down but was still teary eyed when I asked if I could take his picture. . Hay Zacha, kasi nakapang-porma eh. Akala eh "go shopping at SM." 😂 I hope you enjoy trick or treating in school today. 💕 #zachadaily #zachchronicles #autismrockstar #ausomecleftie (at Colegio De Montessori) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4MREJgFSFZ/?igshid=dz7gvk7v46t

[driftingintospace]

This is for the love I lost.

Before anyone, before any of this shit happened. I saw your face, I knew who you were just looking into your eyes. I knew there was something deeper there. I saw hope. Something, I was not used to seeing. And you were the reason I came out of my cage. I broke out for you. I came out for you, even though you were with her. And I understood, but you gave me hope. You gave me something no one else could give me. A friendly face. A shoulder. A hug. Love, it was. My best friend back in the day. You still are, but you've made many more. And it's like ecstacy, just thinking about it. To hangout with you. To talk. To look into those milk chocolate eyes. The ones that make me melt into myself. I can taste it. I was so close, but as always, how irony works it's just too far gone. Maybe. I always wonder about you. I always think about what you're doing and if you wonder what that moment would be like if we were together. Because I think about that alot myself. Now here we are, you're there, and I'm here. And I'm patient. And I've been free. And I am figuring my self out. And it would be nice to figure myself out with you by my side. I don't even wish to be as close as we were, when I was in love with you. I just wish I could lay with you, and remember that feeling when you were my ectascy.

[approvers]

[driftingintospace]

Tranquility

There exists a place on earth Where one can find true peace A place away from stress and pain A place where all of it will cease For some, it's near the ocean That a calm can always be found The waves carry all the stress away With that familiar relaxing sound The coolness of the water, And the warmth of sunny rays, It doesn't take very long at all Before the world melts away For others it's the forest That sets their mind at ease The world feels completely still When you're surrounded by tall trees The air somehow feels calmer It smells remarkably fresh Some birds tweet in the distance And your thoughts again can mesh So often we get caught up In the worries of the day We forget to worry about ourselves And take some time away So whether you go alone Or with someone you hold dear Make sure to find the time you need To make your head feel clear

[driftingintospace]

DISCLAIMER: Long post ahead Today is Zacha's second Smileversary. To those of you who are not familiar with the term, Smileversay is the day Zacha had his Cheiloplasty (Cleft Lip Surgery). I feel very senti about today because I miss his first smile. His first smile will always be his best smile for me. To lighten my mood, I created a slideshow of his pictures from Day 1 up to date. Achievement unlocked po ito, I feel very proud of myself because it's the first time na gumamit ako ng Windows MovieMaker and I survived! I wanted to share with you how Zacha is in 32mos. Being a cleft mom taught me a lot of things. This experience has shook but strengthen my faith in God. It made me realize that anything can happen to you and you have to face it, deal with it and come out stronger than you've ever been before. :) Let me share with you our Cleft Journey. I think it was the worse day of my life. When you're a first time mom, you want everything to be perfect, you are scared and excited at the same time. You dread the day the baby will come out because of the horror stories you hear that it will be painful but you also can't wait for that day to come because the pain will be worth it! It was the 5th of March, and on the 5th month of my pregnancy. I was going to have a Congenital Anomaly Scan. We knew the baby is going to be a boy the month before. Honestly, I was excited to have the CAS done. Ang worry ko pa noon ay baka kulang ang mga daliri niya sa kamay or paa. Never did it cross my mind that something wrong was going to happen. My OB is a chatty person. Lagi niya ako dinadaldal during check up, would even ask random questions and not related to my pregnancy but she was awfully queit that day while she was checking me. She checked the fingers and toes at kumpleto sila. Tumawa pa ako. She checked the body, bones, stomach, lungs etc. When she reached the head, she stopped talking. I knew something was wrong. She let out a sigh. The next thing she said tore my world apart. "Parang may cleft si baby." Hindi ako makagalaw, nanlamig ako, my heart stopped. Totoo pala yun. Yung slow motion. Yung malabo silang lahat sa paningin mo. They are talking pero di mo sila maintindihan tapos umiikot ang paligid. My OB was telling me something but I couldn't understand. My husband and OB were talking about solutions and what might cause it. OB said that up to this day, there is still no known cause ng pagkakaron ng baby ng cleft. It could be a number of things daw. Lack of folic acid, smoking, took antibiotics, genes. Yung pagkadulas po ay walang kinalaman dun. Inside the examination room, I did not shed a tear but I couldn't think straight. Ang naaalala ko, I asked my OB if it can still be fixed while the baby is growing inside me. Hindi daw, we have to wait until the baby comes out and get bigger. Tinanong ko rin kung makakapagbreastfeed ako. It was important for me. Kaya lang hindi daw sigurado. Slim chance dahil nga sa cleft. Paglabas namin sa Exam room, and I saw my mom sabi ko "may cleft si baby", niyakap ko agad siya at dun na bumuhos yung luha na kanina ko pa pinipigil. Sobrang sakit. Masakit pa nung time na naghiwalay ang parents ko. Mas masakit nung nalaman kong may ibang babae yung ex ko. Humagugol ako. Naglupasay pa. Nakakahiya nga thinking about it now, but then, I didn't care. I just wanted to let it all out. Si Doc, yung nurse and ibang pregnant moms cried with me. Sabi ng pinsan ko na kasama namin, okay lang daw, si JC De Vera nga daw may cleft pero naging artista. I knew she was only trying to make me feel better but it didn't help ease the pain. We kept it in the queit, close family members lang ang may alam. They kept telling me that it was okay. That it's not something that can't be fixed. And I wanted to yell at them, that they don't understand the pain I was going through. Ang nasa isip ko nun, hindi pa man siya pinapanganak, he already failed at something. And I already failed him. I wasn't able to take good care of him. Nagalit ako sa Diyos. 1 out of 700 babies na pinapanganak ay nagkakaron ng cleft, so why me out of 700 mommies? I kept asking him, Why me? I have been a faithful servant. Masipag ako magsimba, my whole life, I served him. So why me? Sinumbatan ko siya. Sobrang sumama talaga yung loob ko kasi I believed, I didn't deserve this. Ito na yata yung pinakamasakit na mangyayari sa isang nanay, give birth to a child with special needs. Kasi you will keep asking and blaming yourself. Where did I go wrong? Nagpasecond opinion pa kami. We had a 3D utz. My husband wanted to go, ako ayoko. Hindi na ako umasa kasi I knew it in my heart that I was going to have a cleft baby. And I saw his face and my heart broke all over again. Hindi ako nagpaprint ng copy kasi I didn't want to see my baby that way. (which I totally regret now, btw. Sorry na, depress ako that time.) The next few days was hell. Nawalan ako ng gana sa lahat. Eat, work, the things that I used to love doing, nawala ang appeal sa kin. It was even our wedding month pero wala akong gana magprepare, how could I be excited at a time like this? I was a bitch to everybody. But my husband was my pillar. He was so positive about everything that it hurts. My family too. They all believed that it will all be okay. I felt abandoned. I thought, I was alone in this pain. In my queit moments, I talk, no scream at God. The never ending Why mes. Pero kahit galit ako, I never stopped talking to him. I find comfort in talking to him. There must be reason. Lagi ko naiisip yan. Why do I have this baby? There must be a reason. And then one day, I woke up and I felt light. I wasn't as sad anymore. Parang naenlighten ako. Na, oo nga. God chose me, out of 700 mommies, God decided to give him to me. There must be a reason. Yung "Why me" ko, naging "Why not?" I found my purpose. Biruin mo, God gave me an important task, he trusted me to take care of this extra special baby and I was not about to prove God wrong. I want to show him that, I deserve this baby. That Zacha deserves me, a flawed person, to be his mom and I won't let him down. Gusto ko na after everything ay maging proud ang Diyos sa akin at masabi niyang hindi siya nagkamaling ibigay si Zacha sa akin. I felt guilty rin because I have been neglecting my baby dahil lang sa nalaman kong my cleft siya, sabi ko sa sarili ko, babawi ako buong buhay niya. I am going to be strong for him. I will protect him from the bullies. As much as possible, shelter him from all the bad things in this world. Kapag nagkaisip siya and started asking about his cleft, I will tell him that he is not different. That he is beautiful. Ang ganda ng araw na yun eh, nagbuffet pa kami. It was a good day. I've learned a lot from being a cleft mom. It made me stronger. I found my purpose. I see the world differently now. I empathize now with people I see on the streets na may special needs baby. Especially yung mga may cleft. Parang gusto ko sila lapitan at yakapin at sabihin na, everything is going to be okay. My husband and family was right. Everything is okay now. Zacha is 32months old two days from now and so far I can say that I've done a great job. We have a few more surgeries to go but I know, with God, we can make it.

[driftingintospace]

Pearly Blossom WW by CareRing Slings Age and Weight of Child: 27mos, 18kgs Wearer: 5’2, Petite Type of Carrier: Woven wrap Brand: CareRing sling Website: http://www.careringsling.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CareRingSling/ Size: Size 6 Fabric Content: 100% cotton Type of Weave: Jacquard weave wrap Suitable for newborn to toddler Machine Washable Type of Carry or Carries done: FWCC The arrival of this beauty came as a surprise as I have almost forgotten that I lined up as a tester. At first sight and feel, I already knew it's going to be a challenge working around this wrap as it is thicker and a bit heavy than the ones I have tried before. I was a bit nervous to try this because I haven't used a wrap for a long while. This beauty felt soft and smooth as I ran my fingers, trying to get a feel on the wrap before trying her on. The first time was a complete disaster, it was like my first try at trying wrap all over again. I had to ask help from Youtube to get familiarize with wrapping again. My toddler wasn't helping either, he was so used to being worn with an SSC that trying a wrap this time was very foreign to him. The second try was a lot better. I think my toddler felt the softness of the wrap and how snugg it is on him that he calmed down eventually after a few "leg straightening" episodes. I tried FWCC because this wrap is new to me and with an uncooperative toddler, I didn't have much time to explore. Nonetheless, it was a great experience. She was so easy to manuever not that grippy, it glides nicely and easy to tighten. I regret that I only had a very limited amount of time with this beautufil wrap but extremely happy anyway that I got to experience wearing Zacha with a wrap as nice as this one.

[driftingintospace]

I just want love. I want the idea of it at least.

I want something that I cannot have. I cannot have it because I don't truly know what it is. I've seen it polished and propped as if it were on display and I've heard the stories of how much time and effort it took to make it look as such. But I want it. I want love. I want the idea of it at least. I want the fights brought about by events simpler and less important than the time we wasted to have them. I want to be pained by the sight of her pain and know that the feeling of knives piercing my chest when I see her cry is there because I would literally drive them there myself if only to prevent her tears. I want our laughs to intertwine over the smallest things and our conversations to stretch our minds over the biggest. I want to see you sleep at night and I'll smile because I know that you're finally at peace. And I want you to smile when you wake up because you know that I'm fighting to make your reality better than your dreams. I want love. I want romantic love, I want crazy love. I want passion. I want to pick you up in my arms and in that brief present get lost in your presence. I want to be in you when I am in you and have you wish that I would stay forever. I want to be in your heart and mind, and I want our love to be torturous and blind.

[alonesomes]

My mother tells me that when I meet someone I like, I have to ask them three questions: 1. what are you afraid of? 2. do you like dogs? 3. what do you do when it rains? of those three, she says the first one is the most important. “They gotta be scared of something, baby. Everybody is. If they aren’t afraid of anything, then they don’t believe in anything, either.” I met you on a Sunday, right after church. one look and my heart fell into my stomach like a trap door. on our second date, I asked you what you were afraid of. “spiders, mostly. being alone. little children, like, the ones who just learned how to push a kid over on the playground. oh and space. holy shit, space.” I asked you if you liked dogs. “I have three.” I asked you what you do when it rains. “sleep, mostly. sometimes I sit at the window and watch the rain droplets race. I make a shelter out of plastic in my backyard for all the stray animals; leave them food and a place to sleep.” he smiled like he knew. like his mom told him the same thing. “how about you?” me? I’m scared of everything. of the hole in the o-zone layer, of the lady next door who never smiles at her dog, and especially of all the secrets the government must be breaking it’s back trying to keep from us. I love dogs so much, you have no idea. I sleep when it rains. I want to tell everyone I love them. I want to find every stray animal and bring them home. I want to wake up in your hair and make you shitty coffee and kiss your neck and draw silly stick figures of us. I never want to ask anyone else these questions ever again.

three questions | Caitlyn Siehl (via alonesomes)

[calanthesfeuillemort]

[driftingintospace]

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

- The Velveteen Rabbit (or How Toys Become Real) by Margery Williams, 1922