Yesterday I was talking to Victor.
Victor is a darker alter of mine.
His responses were in my mind. he wasn't responding vocally, but he was responding as thoughts, so that was interesting. that seems like a good way for me to communicate with him.
and I was asking about the connection between him and the goo creatures/my transformations, because I usually connect him with them and I was wondering why.
I was also wondering what parts were him and what parts were them, and kind of just trying to sort through that confusion. I usually don't do that, I don't usually try to sort it out because it's all usually very confusing for me.
but yeah yesterday I went into it thinking I want to sort this out. and so I was asking Victor if he was the one that gets angry and is vicious or if that's a different one. I wasn't sure if I was just not realizing that Victor has more than one side to his personality, or what.
but i wasnt really getting answers. I got some but not the ones i was looking for, exactly. The conversation ended up moving on to Zet, my creature... alter? Hes kind of an alter, but not really. I started trying to figure out what was going on with him and I came to the conclusion that Zet is not really a being, it's more like a puppet.
because when I was thinking about it, I was realizing that zet doesn't talk, doesn't have emotion and doesn't move organically. I was trying to find out if zet even moves at all and I was thinking the movements are very stuttery and unnatural because the body isn't being moved by a conscious thought of Zet's. its as if the movement is coming from a possession of sorts, like Zet is dead and an object and is being controlled by an energy like a puppet.
and then I thought, is he my puppet? It didnt feel right. Then i suddenly got the thought that Zet is Victor's puppet, and that's why I relate the two.
Zet feels to be missing that which makes a being a being. I feel only emptiness in Zet, with its main purpose being to frighten. it has no other purpose. it is used like a puppet, like a tool. It doesn't feel, emotionally or physically, and if it were to move it would be because it's being controlled by an energy like puppet on string.
So I guess I got my answer, just... it's confusing and difficult because I'm not consciously aware of Victor's thoughts. It's like having a conversation with my subconscious. I'm lead in directions without knowing I'm being lead, I have to be very aware to understand what's happening.
i realize i already knew this about Zet, but just didnt know it consciously.
It makes sense for Zet to be wearable. a costume and a puppet are similar in that way. (When Zet "came to me", I had this need to create a costume in his image. I worked long and hard on it until it was finished.)
And I was thinking, if Zet's main purpose is to create fear, that comes from something or someone that wants others to be scared, and wanting others to be scared either comes from...
1. dark beings need that energy to have power
2. a desire to be frightening simply because it excites to frighten
3. a desire to be scary because you dont want to be scared/taken advantage of
The first reason didnt seem to fit, to me -- Zet scaring to have power only to continue scaring didn't feel right. Wrong puzzle piece.
But Victor wanting to scare makes sense. he eats it up.
I'm thinking Zet could either be:
1. a being that was already created by native americans that latched onto Victor, the darkness in me. The dark energies match his and they are attached to him rather than to me.
2. Victor created Zet for that purpose.
3. Or I created Zet for Victor to use.
I know when Zet came to me, I was very stressed and was experiencing some dissociation. Victor comes when I dissociate, so he might be related in the creation, or might be responsible for the attachment.
