red rain, red thoughts @drippingredcanvas - Tumblr Blog

To any suicidal followers I may have: This is a sign to not kill yourself. You are loved and the world is special because you are in it. Keep holding on.

Reblog this when it’s on your dash. You will save someone’s life.

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#what the actual fuck i am so fucking tired of all the fucking bullshit i fucking have to deal with like what the actual fuck why cant i #just live my goddamn life and be able to be myself without all this goddamn stress and drama and bullshit #like last time i fucking checked i wasnt the goddamn protag of some drama or some shit like that #and why is it so goddamn hard to just survive while there r goddamn fucking rich ppl with more money than they can use in a lifetime #and im so goddamn tired and if it werent for the fact that i have cats that i have to take care of i would have given up and went to do #something fucking stupid because it feels meaningless anyway bc im thousands of dollars in fucking debt and have no goddamn way to pay it #off while paying other bills atm and my parents r so goddamn disfunctional that it would be worse for me to live with them than to #take my chances elsewhere and i dont evn want that goddamn much i just want fucking certainty that i can pay my fucking bills and be able to #live alone bc i need goddamn space away from everyone else's fucking bullshit and especially the fucking bullshit from ppl that say they r #my friends but dont fucking act like it and i just am so tired and i dont like how i have to goddamn fight to get a goddamn retail job that #doesnt evn give holiday pay #like just what the actual fuck

one thing i realized a while ago is that some crushes are better left as crushes. sometimes, you only like someone because you don’t know enough about them to dislike them.

your1stpleasurer

This is so fuckin true

xerosexual

doodl

..

#okay i reached my fuckin breaking point fuck this just fuck this whole situation and getting pulled in too many directions and fuckin hate #this so fuckin much just fuck all this #i need a goddamn fucking break from all the bullshit life keeps giving me #like yes there r good bits but also it would be real fuckin nice if things didnt keep blowing up at once when they do blow up #and at times i camt fuckin process them #and i need a goddamn therapist that will just know what i need but oh fuckin well #and im fuckin tired

.

#....................................#...................................................#feeling kinda frustrated(more like mad at situation and a bit at self still tho also universe/circumstances but like still cant seem to #express outwardly which i guess is fine for now bc makes interactions with ppl not have as much direct consequences but also has more long #term mental health detrimental ones lol)#like realizing how manipulative ppl have been/r being but still not cutting those ppl off completely and still having contact bc would #rather have it seem like distance came out of being busy rather than have to confront them abt behavior #tho still have to maintain contact with the main source of not realizing shitty things (family) bc certain family members would require me #getting a restraining order basically for them to not try to maintain contact but im not completely financially stable enough for after #college graduation at this point in time especially considering paying off loans and wont know if got into paid postgrad internship or not #until next summer and after the internship employment isnt guaranteed either #tho would def be more likely if got into internship bc it can give me certain certifications that allow for more liklihood that i'll get #hired elsewhere afterwards #mostly mad that im only realizing ive been super uncomfortable around certain ppl for a legitimate reason and that i didnt listen to that #bad feeling when i rlly should have bc i was raised being guilted into ignoring my own wellbeing #also mad that keep getting contacted by some of the ppl that arent good for me #and that it's affecting how i interact with ppl i date in that i push down my own discomfort when i shouldnt probs #and im not in a state to help partners when theyre going thru rough patches when im also in rough patch unless we cuddle which does not #help if we cant meet up or r far distance from each other #and the main frustration abt it today is that i want to go to a friend's art exhibition later today but im anxious rn abt having seen one #person that has done shitty things in the building im in rn at a desk facing the only exit; have had another person who has done shitty #things who i used to date be sending me texts everyday no break since we broke up and has no sense of space;#had a partner go into crisis who i want to help but who isnt replying to messages rn so stressed abt that;#and ive been up since close to 6am bc i had work early which probs isnt helping things #abt* there being ppl i dont know so i want to go to at least one of their events especially since it is my last yr at this college #and they have been considerate and understanding despite that and i dont want to flake on them again especially since i have said a definite #yes this time as opposed to the maybes previous times

Ugggghhhhhhh

#i just want to sleep but body wont let me #also wont let me cry or break down properly either #and meanwhile family and ex r frustrating also #plus this is probs gonna throw off my sleeping schedule #and i have a paper due this wednesday and the quizzes and also need to pay rent and get graduation stuff in order still #and i just want to be done already #also wish i wasn't so affected by other ppl sometimes #also wish things were just simpler and less stressful

zeroafterdark

Dead Gorgeous

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zeroafterdark

Decaying

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But yeah been feeling weird and the weather being smokey bc of the fires and the combo of personal, work, and academic things probs isnt helping but like I also get that this is a transition period and those always feel weird but would appreciate it if brain would just do the things also if the universe would just give me one year where something didnt blow up in my personal life

#put myself #like im able to cope better now bc of past things #but doesnt mean that i have to like it #im mostly just tired and frustrated #and it would be nice if i had motivation at times when i need it #like rn when i have to edit a statement of purpose for postgrad stuff so that it stands out more #but it's kinda hard to do that when im in a bit of a brain fog and have trouble expressing who i am on paper when im used to just doing that #thru my actions #also difficult finding a balance between underselling and overselling my merits #like how do i present my good points without setting expectations too high or not damper down my good points too much where it doesnt seem #like im just some generic person with the same skills but no mastery #like i know there r both ppl more and less qualified than me applying to the same place #and one of my profs writing my letter of ref really wants me to get in so im trying to match up my statement of purpose to her probs strong #letter of rec #but just im at a loss for how to in writing #like im used to having to be organized and unbiasee #unbiased* but i know i have to put more than that in there so it stands out from the rest #but meanwhile another prof i dont know as well is telling me to only put my strengths when the prof i know better says to put areas i #struggled with but grew from #so just ugh?#plus my ex is coming over to sort thru some of their internal shit and im going to see a diff person id rather not see bc theyre toxic af #later today too and my mom keeps trying to call me probs to plan holiday stuff but id rlly rather not #and i realized my family r the only constants that i can have as emergency contacts so i cant evn confront them with shit probs #and i might need to ask to borrow a car from them for my driving test since the friend who ive been practicing with will be out of town then

Yeah but anyway this may just turn into super rare vent blog with occasional aesth guro (tho I've been already rarely reblogging things here anyway but we'll see)

#tbh if any of my mutuals here still follow me i wouldnt be offended if u unfollowed just bc of how rarely i post here #also bc most of my mutuals here are guro blogs and i havent been posting much of that lately

Ah apparently that one text post was enough to get the attention of the porn bots lol

#oh ur active again? guess that means we should follow u #like

..(more venting bc ugh)

#also im rlly tired of my housemate leaving dirty dishes in the sink with food in it and not only that but also hoarding all the silverware #while doing it and also just not cleaning at all #like at all #like tbh pretty sure housemate's partner cleans for them bc saw them come in to vacuum their room #and there r way too many stressors happening in the time period of when i have to be preparing for applying for postgrad things #just like seriously life y cant i have just one year where something doesnt blow up at some point in the year regarding ppl im close to #and/or need to rely on to pay renf #which in this case i had not just the housemate who i have to rely on to pay me rent for the month(and is almost always late) and people #im close to having multiple cases of being abused by other ppl used to be close with but not now bc they didnt change their fuckin behavior #which i already have thin fuckin patience for as it is bc of how my family is and i can spot the bs from a mile away #and meanwhile i have work early tomorrow then classes back to back right after work where one of the classes has a kanji quiz #and i might have to skip the other class to properly study for it and possibly translate more of the article we're probs going to translate #in class bc i couldnt focus enough #but i cant get a fuckin extension bc one of the things im applying for requires u to be mentally and physically healthy enough for them not #weed u out based on past ppl that didnt handle the cultural change well and in order to get an extension i would need a doctor or psych note #stating why i was absent or needed the extension which would be on my record and tbh im more pissed than anything rn #like if anything im going to suceed out of spite while not being an asshole abt it #which tbh i have always been told im nice and calm and relaxing evn when im fuming on the inside and this has been the case since i was very #young and moving around a lot and always have had enough self control to not be a danger to myself or others so it would be real fuckin nice #if they wouldnt base my fuckin application on an extension bc there r multiple crisises going on in my friend group #and im expected to just put in more hours of studying evn if my brain is deciding not to work properly when the actual quiz happens #so evn if i know all the words and meanings and place in the article when i go in during the quiz my brain decides to just blank on some #areas just i wish i had only that one class to worry abt but i dont

.(venting in tags)

#trying #know ppl need space but arfeeling lonely and #are feeling* which newsflash asshole that's not what giving ppl space is like that is the fuckin opposite #and neither is going to the support group and talking abt how ur trying to give the person space but then dont let them have that support #space by being there like u checked in b4 the person came to the group u could have left when they got there so they could vent and give #their side of the story without u there but nooo u just had to have fucking co ntrol didnt u #also one fuckin day is not enough time and neither is a week we should not have to tell u that doing dnd with all the ppl involved in a bad #idea not just for this week but for possibly indefinitely #meanwhile at work i have to constantly tell a coworker to work and not just stand around talking and im not the only one that has had to do #this and he always comes in late too and decided it would be a good idea to ask why he should be working like bro tf ur getting paid to work #not to just talk with ppl also like if u got enough money to be in a frat and u dont want to work then why tf are u still working here #i just said the #bit with a probs #uggh #okay so basically the gist of it is that found out person was close to was had abused another person im close to #and basically friend that got abused realized it and told me and a few other ppl and then told the abuser #and the abuser had been abused b4 too but did not realize what they had done in the relationship with other person was abuse until they were #told it and evn then me and another person had to basically spell out what parts were the abusive bits since the person did not evn know #what part was it which at the time was kinda still in shock so wasnt rlly reacting with as much emotion as probs approproate for the sit #situation* but now im kinda pissed also rlly not sympathetic to how the person keeps making it abt them evn when they keep saying theyre #trying to take the abused person's feelings into account which tbqfh the abuser is not doing anything other than trying to make themselves #feel better and keeps trying to act like everything will be fine just bc the #they* are which again they are honestly just seeming like a whole bunch of talk with no action rn #which rlly fuckin pisses me off #and they r also trying to come to me and another person abt how theyre ur getting paidwtf bro!?" kind of face but idk if he got the message

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