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i guess i really am crazy

they didnt find anyrhing with the surgery.

i've got your message loud and clear. whoever you are, i'll see you in november. i have no business being here anymore.

maybe not surprised, but understanding.

#i cannot define the depths of which i am just..not happy.

nearly about to vomit at the mere thought of having this surgery and they say they didnt find anything.

i just dont understand why things work out like this for me.

i dreamed last night that i did not exist. i looked into the lives of the people around me and they seemed happy.

i feel like nothing but a burden to the people around me

#it's indifferent #whether im around or not

this has been one of the worst years i think i've ever experienced. i dont know how much more i have in me.

if this surgery doesnt go well, what do we do after that

#happy birthday me #i know you wanted to be gone a long time ago.

people are so deeply disappointing.

i cant stop thinking about that voice. i was wearing earplugs, it still sounded like it was in my ear.

it didnt have any discernable gender, it felt like fear and comfort

i heard a voice in my head this morning and it told me they'd see me in november,

that my time was coming. and it was clear as if someone was whispering in my ear.

my last few days on this earth. i really dont understand the point of anything anymore.

i hope death is peaceful.

i hate when people try to tell me im a good person, like, im really not.

i just wish i'd just die already. i cant take this anymore. i cant take this waiting. i do not enjoy being alive. i wish there was some medical assisted suicide thing i could find that would help me. i dont want my family finding a mess and that's pretty much the only thing keeping me here.

you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

im seeing less and less of a future for myself.

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