unrelated but bgm recommendation: ééľčŠ by JJ lin, one of the lyrics goes âthis is the first time i feel that love can be so kind and selfishâ idk man the songs just extremely caleb coded,, also title from that one of the lines in the actual game!!
a/n: heavily inspired by @dudeidontcareaboutanything âs post on calebâs nation because i absolutely believe itâs more reasonable to want to bite calebâs head off than be so⌠avoidant about everything,, personally i donât like how mc acts more caucious and avoiding when it comes to caleb compared to other li s soooo
tw: slightly manipulative caleb and ehhh slightly toxic? i think itâs okay but if youâre not into those then dni!!, not proofread !
Ëââ§ę°á đ ŕťęą â§âË
đ.
âdid i scare you? im backâ the familiar, yet distant man spoke,
her gaze lands on his dark irises, a breath she didnât notice she held was let out, she didnât know how to feel, relieved? shocked? happy? before her is a man who died, and more importantly was her everything; was
minutes ago, this man had put a detector on her neck, and basically investigated her like a criminal; maybe because she pretended to be someone else, but it was all justifiable, right? you know whatâs not, someone whoâs supposed to lie dead six feet under the ground, or burned into ashes, standing right in front of her.
that face and hairstyle is identical, even the voice sounds awfully similar, perhaps deepened, more hoarse, or maybe she hadnât heard of it in so long she forgot.
âwho are youâ
âwhat, do you not recognise me anymore?â the voice asked with humour, almost as if nothing happened over all these time and he just expects her to, know.
â,, well not anyoneâs brotherâ she quotes, misinterpreted as sassiness by the male, still unaware and expecting a more warm welcome,
her brows furrow, she might be out of the situation that she was caught red-handed, but now sheâs in another somehow worse. she feels guilty that sheâs not as happy as she should be, instead more angry and mad that everything he did, nothing was what she wanted.
she would question him, she would force him to explain, but not here, not now. now that theyâve met again, she has all the time to investigate him.
she looks at him as he puts away the detectors and smile. that same damned smile, those lips that curl up for either the most wholesome or sinister things, like god personally carved them, she sees the man look at her with a dazed, yet loving nonetheless, stare.
she had missed him, of course she did, hell she still does. he was her everything, she loved him wholeheartedly in all ways possible, how could she not miss him. so when he hugged her, she just hugged him back, too happy to cry yet too angry to smile, too betrayed to think, too confused to speak.
đ.
caleb took the day off and brought her home, as he drives his jeep, somehow still the same good old functioning one second hand from high school, she could only stare, briefly brushing his finger tips against hers, just to feel his presence, that heâs physically here.
the ride was silent, like a silent agreement, or maybe they were both too scared to talk and break the thin ice, but what has to be done, has to be done afterall,
âcaleb,
âwhere have you been all this time.â
â⌠pip, you know i donât like to lie to you, so i wonât answer that question.â
he expects her to further pressure him to answer, he wasnât going to anyways, but he still thought sheâs the stubborn little girl, demanding the absolute truth from him always.
she nods, of course, he always stick to his morals and reasons, he thinks whatâs good for the other party, but never consider the partyâs opinions. itâs all kind of expected.
ââŚâ he takes a left turn, the sky heaven roads are much more neat compared to linkon, less cars and less plants with falling leaves; even if there are vehicles on the road, they zoom by fast and never really stop for anyone, and you barely find dirt on or by the roads anyways. this was the first thing he noticed when he moved here.
everything is so neat and empty here.
he steals a stare at her during the rare traffic light break, as she blankly stares out at the roads, afterall who is he to expect her to be able to take in everything so fast, sheâs only human,,
đsneak peak to her thoughts)
the silence is loud but i prefer it as it aids me to think, thatâs the thing i want to do least, yet have to do most right now.
i came here expecting to figure out something new, but whatever may that originally be, it wasnât this.
sure iâm grateful heâs alive but, iâd be lying if i said there wasnât more to this. heâs ⌠alive
why didnât he come find me?
why didnât he reach out to me earlier if he knew where i was all along?
why is he okay with hiding so much from me like itâs normal?
why does he expect me to be okay with a dead man just showing up and i should pretend like nothing happened?
i canât stop him from doing whatever, and i respect his free will, but just, why?
đ.
âthey said you were dead. and on top of that, gone
âsure im a sinner, i have sinful thoughts ive done sinful acts, but at that moment, when i look at your empty casket , your uniform i folded that was placed inside, and this necklaceâ she hooks the metal chain with her index finger, âi complained to god, i barely took a bite of the apple, why did he have to take away my adam, and not even leave me with whatâs physically left.â
âitâs like iâm not even worthy of visiting your remains.â she continues to look out to the roads, clear skies with barely any clouds.
maybe this is what she gets for falling in love in the worst ways possible.
or maybe this is the consequence for having him love her back.
âiâm sorryâ
he never explains, itâs always been like this. he apologises, he comforts, he apologises, he never explains. he knows he loves her, an unbearable amount; yet thatâs not equivalent to being true to her, and allowing her to feel his love she desires.
itâs like he tries to provide as much light for her as possible, shining bright and radiating, yet he stood there, and she hid in his shadows.
âstop mother fucking apologising.â
she snaps, she canât hold it back anymore, not when sheâs lost him and realized everything over time, shes not going to be a coward and avoid, not again
âyouâre always like this, always, are you really sorry if you donât say why? i have so many questions for you andâ iâll be honest with you, i wasnât even going to be mad at you, my everything, the one person id do anything for just left me, and for months pretending to be dead. i wasnât even going to be mad at you for that, and you still decide you donât owe me an explanationâ she stares at his distant gaze in the road,
âstop giving me that look. youâre not protecting me by hiding the truth from me. if the truth hurts you should let it hit. itâs still better than internally bleeding out yet i have no idea. one dayâ i might just die, you might just die, again, and ill still have no ideaâ
âyou have no right to decide whatâs good for meâ
âyouâre no one to think for meâ
she breathes, taking deep breaths, that rambling she just did, took even herself by surprise, she wants to open up more to caleb sure, but sheâs still scared her words were hurtful.
theyâre right love and hate do come together,
âthatâs all you have to say?â caleb asks, his eyes not leaving the road
she gives him one of her dirty looks with an eye roll, âa conversation goes both ways, i expect a response you know
âone with actual thought process behind and not just fucking, iâll be the bigger person and shut up. youâre just being avoidantâ
he nods, âi am. but id rather have that than you realising who i really am by nature and distant yourself from meâ
the slight sorrow in his voice, hidden so perfectly within his lines of love and maybe genuineness, breaks her heart.
maybe they know each other too well, and the fact that they love each other too well. the fear caused, love allowing avoidance shuts their mouths up once again.
she breaths heavy, eyes blinking with a hint of irritation, âweâre never going to be able to talk like thisâ
âand since when does our relationship has to be validated through or convicted through words
ânothings going to change right?â he pulls the lever of the car as he looks at her with anticipation and those damned sorrowful eyes again.
he knows her too well, he knows she doesnât want the past to change, he knows he loves her and she doesnât want that love to change.
be it the ignorance or the nature of it.
âiâŚâ she looks away, feeling weak under calebâs gaze, she feels her hands taken by a much rougher, warmer pair, patterns circled on her numb skin
âitâs going to be okay pipâŚâ she closes her eyes out of a failed desperate attempt to not get affected by that nickname
she missed him.
love does come with hate, but maybe like dominant alleles in our genes, love can completely mask over the effects of the other.
hey there! please leave a comment or reblog if you liked this, any kind of feedback really motivates me and makes me happy :D i appreciate all of you readers and hopefully it wasnât too unpleasant to read this ass post lol!! lots of lovee
hot take but closeted lgbt people are so fucking brave. being closeted doesnât mean youâre lying to yourself or to others. thatâs bullshit perpetuated by cishets to make us feel bad about ourselves and thereâs no shame in being closeted. coming out should be entirely up to you, for you to decide how to come out and who to come out to. no one else is entitled to that information unless you want them to be and whether youâre closeted to stay safe, because youâre unsure or not ready to be out, or you just feel more comfortable being in, youâre not hiding and you donât deserve to feel guilty. iâm proud of you and hope you can come out when youâre ready or want to, and itâs safe to do so
Nail polish 2 hours after you apply it to your nails intentionally: oh no, a gust of air has lightly accosted me! I have been torn asunder and stricken from my resting place, I must leave this place at once!
Nail polish the millisecond you spill it on something accidentally: the essence of my being has been permanently bonded to this substance since the day I was bornâatom to atom, body and soul. you could no sooner remove me from this wooden table than you could remove the ocean from its water
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