Hi!

Congratulations! You found me! I'm in my 30's and a fandom mom. She/her pronouns. And this blog is a safe space for all. Occasionally NSFW. I'm Candyholic85 on AO3 and Aggressively Hospitable on Fanfiction.Net.

[tothechaos]

hate when people say something along the lines of "we must get along so well because you are/i am [some astrological sign]" to me. what are you fucking talking about. we get along because im fucking nice. a decision which i regret when you say shit like that

[tothechaos]

this post is a good rent lowering gunshot. in case anyone needs one of those

[heatdrunk]

thinking about all the ways u can talk dirty to a pregnant partner before they start to show,,,,,,

“oh, look at you, sweetheart. if i didn’t already know you were knocked up i could figure it out just from looking at your puffy pregnant cunt.”

“soon you’ll be so big that everyone can see what i did to you, but for right now it’s just between us. so good for me, carrying our little secret.”

“you’re already glowing, look how flushed you are.”

“poor thing, are your tits already getting sensitive this early on? i can only imagine how much worse it’s going to get.”

“that’s right, baby, take the cock that knocked you up. take the cock you got yourself good and pregnant on.”

“god your pussy feels even better now that i’ve claimed your womb. it’s like your body knows it’s all mine.”

“of course i’ll finish inside you. not like you can get any more pregnant than you already are.”

“you want my cum sweetheart? go on. ask for it. tell me you wanna be filled with the cum that bred you.”

[6i]

it takes years to develop your craft. do not romanticize the idea of an ‘overnight success’. be a student. grow organically. get really good. hate your work. start over. find new ways to express the same ideas. the student becomes the master. your time will come.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since my beloved wife got a breast reduction we have a nightly ritual where I smear goop (anti-scar cream) on their incision lines. The first goop we had was from the surgeon's office and it was a silicone base that was pretty nice, but did have a tendency to build up a residue afterward. We asked the office about buying more and they pretty much said to get whatever as long as we were getting something on it. They also told us theirs was a "spendy" $50 which we didn't think was that bad.

So my wife bought a different product ($30) and we were both put out that it came in such a small tube for the price. We decided we'd use it up before going back and getting the first goop again, even if it was more expensive. We did like that the small tube didn't have any residue afterward, but for the price we paid it still seemed like a rip off.

We have been. So wrong.

The tube has appeared like it should be empty for weeks. Yet every night, we convene in the bathroom for nightly goop. I hold out my finger and my wife squeezes the tube. Every night, there is enough.

When we first thought it was almost done we bought another tube. Even if it didn't last as long we liked that there wasn't a residue with it. But now that the first one still isn't empty it's clearly very good bang for our buck, because it is frankly staggering both of us that we still keep getting more out of what appears to be an empty tube.

Early on I joked it was a Hanukkah miracle but at this point eight days was over last month and we're gonna have to make a new holiday to liken this phenomenon to because this is the energizer bunny of goop.

Every night now we wait with bated breath to see if this is finally the end of its supply. Every night, there is plenty. I told my wife it would be funny if I were secretly filling it a little bit to keep a long prank going but honestly the opening is so goddamn tiny that we couldn't possibly fill it on our own. We shall see when it's reign ends, but either way, we definitely got our money's worth.

[389]

[frankenmouse]

It is so ridiculously easy to gain a reputation for being competent by just reading signs.

This is not metaphorical. I mean actual, literal pieces of paper/plastic/metal/whatever explicitly erected to inform the public.

“How did you know this was the right trail?” I read the sign.

“Wow, how did you know what that flower is?” There’s a SIGN.

“How did you know we needed to use the side door?” THERE IS A SIGN POSTED ON THE FRONT DOOR.

Just…why are we having such different experiences of the world? People can read. I KNOW they can read. There’s nothing wrong with their vision.

Just. READ. THE. GOD. DAMN. SIGN.

This also applies to:

Syllabi

Instructions

[vals-lente]

"You're too big," you whimper as he maneuvers you on top of him.

He squeezes your hips. "You wanted this. You wanted to be fucked until you cry, remember?"

"Yes, but–"

"Look at how wet you are." The sultry voice of the incubus teases you. "Leaking all over my cock."

You squirm with embarrassment, but all that does is rub your sensitive pussy against his shaft. He purrs at the sensation, giving your hips a lazy tug back and forth, grinding you against him. It's not just his cock that's big. He's almost twice your size, with hands that can manipulate you into any position he wants.

"Come on, princess. Ride me," he coaxes, giving your nipples a flick.

"S-stop." You shiver.

"Why? Are you embarrassed that I'm all you dream about? That every night you welcome me into your dreams just so I can fuck a couple orgasms out of you?" His voice is mocking, tender, and amused all at once.

You start moving to shut him up, bracing your hand on his belly to give yourself the leverage to rock your hips the way you want. He swallows hard, staring up at you.

"Am I the only one you come to?" You ask, panting.

"Why? Want to make this exclusive?" He smirks, the tip of his tail caressing your arm, then sneaking up to gently circle your neck.

You throw your head back, baring your neck to him.

"Yes, I'll sign a contract."

He growls at that. "You don't know what you're saying."

"I do. I like the way you make me cum, so I want to keep you forever."

His cock throbs inside you, and now you're the one teasing him.

"You'll do anything for me, won't you?" you coo. "Look at you, soft as putty in my hands."

The next sharp thrust of his hips reminds you that he's not all soft, and you topple bonelessly onto his chest.

"Fuck me," you moan, and he does. He knows exactly how to make you cry and beg.

The dream ends the way it always does, with you startling awake in the middle of the night with a mess between your legs. No matter how many nights in a row it happens, you always wake up feeling refreshed. Today is no different. After breakfast, you're getting ready for a morning walk when there's a knock at your door. You open it to find a familiar figure standing outside. He looks so normal in jeans and a cozy-looking sweater that you can almost overlook the horns and claws and sweeping tail. It's him. Your incubus.

Your eyes grow wide.

"Oh my–"

He scoops you into a hug and spins you in a circle.

"I brought the contract," he says.

You pull him inside and go scrounging for a pen to sign it, but before you can get one, he's throwing you over his shoulder and carrying you to the bedroom. You're laughing too hard to speak, but you're definitely not complaining.

[teaboot]

There is a downside to having a job that largely involves standing perfectly still and silent without distraction for multiple hours on end and I think a big one for me is confirmation that staying up too late / having an injury / getbeing stressed etc. does ABSOLUTELY make u stupid

[teaboot]

from my strenuous research I have also observed:

An adrenaline high can make u impulsive and makes complex tasks difficult to parse

Sudden strenuous activity can trigger an anxiety attack

Your sense of smell can be sharper or weaker at certain points of your menstrual cycle

Your self-confidence can be higher or lower at certain ponts of your menstrual cycle

You can crash from an adrenaline high

Being irritatable CAN be a sign of hunger and eating WILL make u feel better

You can influence your BPM with enough practice

There us a certain point in meditation where music stops sounding like music and is unrecognizable

People can tell you're watching them if your feet are pointed in their direction

If you don't look at someone when they're talking they sometimes forget you can hear

Perfectly normal things will seem aggravating if u are already mad about something so if u don't chill it'll keep getting worse

[depsidase]

[catasters]

[radwolf76]

[porcelain-rob0t]

the european mind cannot comprehend the 48 oz dunkin bucket

[derryderrydown]

Excuse me while I look something up...

1.4 litres????

[politenotice]

[interestingmistakes]

[prideprejudce]

so today a public health official guy came into my class to give a lecture on disaster awareness and he was talking about house fires and mentioned that the reason people most likely die during a house fire is because they refuse to leave their pet inside or they go back to get their pet. and right when he said this my friend immediately turned his head and looked at me and in that moment I had the most complete and genuine acceptance take over my body. I would 100% in front of my family and Jesus himself walk straight back into some raging inferno that was once my house to go get my fat cat. I nodded back

[prideprejudce]

the best part of this post is reading all the tags from animal people who would also go back to save their pets. like no hesitation. walk backwards from heaven straight back into hell. someone even said they would go back for their fish. amazing

[sterna-hirundo]

If you are a person who would walk into a blazing inferno for your animal, and your pet has free movement around the house, here’s a training exercise that could help save you both:

1) Set off your smoke alarm or play the sound on your phone (if your home has no smoke alarms, pease get some!)

2) stand BY THE FRONT DOOR to hand out treats

Do this a couple times and then keep it up NO EXCEPTIONS. Accidentally set the alarm off cooking? Treats by the door. Smoke alarm sound on TV? Treats by the door. Changing your smoke alarm batteries twice a year like you’re supposed to? Give them a test run and your pets get treats by the door.

Most dogs and cats will clue in VERY quickly that hearing that specific sound means go to the front door and wait for treats.

If there’s an emergency and even if you leave by another way, you will still know the most likely place your pet(s) is and can direct first responders to help.

You can also do this for any other kind of emergency alarm. My friend had both her cats trained to go to the front door for a tsunami siren.

[sugarmage]

[bellringermal]

[thyrell]

[fendalan]

Way too funny not to share

[ms-demeanor]

[optimisticrunawaygalaxy]

[sugarmage]

[bellringermal]

[thyrell]

[fendalan]

Way too funny not to share

[ms-demeanor]

[optimisticrunawaygalaxy]

[foldingfittedsheets]

As I rang up a sale today with a very nice couple the woman was spelling her last name. I am very bad at taking down letters so I was going slowly as she spelled it out.

As I got to the end I saw “berg” and my brain caught up a little and prompted that that means “mountain” in German. My eyes then flicked back to the first part and I started giggling.

I looked at the woman and asked, “Does your name mean ‘Cheese Mountain?’”

Her eyebrows shot up and she asked, “You speak German?”

“Not very well, but I still have basic vocabulary.”

“It does mean Cheese Mountain,” she told me with delight.

“I love that so much. That’s the best name ever.”

She told me it was her maiden name and she’d always loved it and had gone back to it after a divorce. She also said she met a German woman once who saw it and was befuddled by such a name but I think it’s incredible.

[thelegendofjenna]

I'm trying to take the high road but I'm like, dragging myself bleeding and sobbing along the high road while looking so so longingly at the low road

[rattyjol]

#AND that fucker taking the low road is going to get to Scotland afore me. very annoying.

[bells-lettres]

local matchmaker losing it over yet another unrealistic demand from the clientele 🤣🤣

Translation by me. :))

[elodieunderglass]

“Even a slightly increased possibility of summoning rain is still an ability to summon rain” is such a good point