"I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom." sc_online_t(610230,"Traipsing","9c9c9c"); Users Online Counter
I’ve made a new account. It’s not finished and I am still on hiatus, but if you would like me to follow you, just drop me a message and I’ll send you the link. I will not be returning to this account.
I’ve made a new account. It’s not finished and I am still on hiatus, but if you would like me to follow you, just drop me a message and I’ll send you the link. I will not be returning to this account.
I've made a new account. It's not finished and I am still on hiatus, but if you would like me to follow you, just drop me a message and I'll send you the link. I will not be returning to this account.
Due to recent and continuing events, I’ve decided to take a bit of a break from roleplaying. This isn’t fun for me anymore and the amount of disrespect this community has for one another is exhausting and horrible. So rather than just silently suffering or publicly berating anyone, I’m just going to walk away. It’s the saner option, I think.
For those of you that care (and you know who you are), the earliest I’ll be back is in about three weeks. I will be back, though.
If you need to reach me in the meantime, I will be checking my inbox here periodically. You can also message my personal tumblr [ x ] or contact me through skype if you have it.
p.s - I’ve taken Alex with me.
p.p.s - I apologize if, in the three weeks that I am gone, you lack the creativity to come up with your own shit. Because, you’ll be stealing no more of mine.
I can't believe people are sending you hate. What is so wrong with their lives that the only way they can feel better is throwing words at you? Words of all things. Well, here are my own. You are fabulous and all of those haters can shove off.
ooc;; There will always be people like that, dear. I imagine they’re just taking my hiatus for weakness and trying to strike while I’m ‘down’. But thank you. c: It means a lot to me. I’m certain you’re fairly fabulous too. <3
Due to recent and continuing events, I’ve decided to take a bit of a break from roleplaying. This isn’t fun for me anymore and the amount of disrespect this community has for one another is exhausting and horrible. So rather than just silently suffering or publicly berating anyone, I’m just going to walk away. It’s the saner option, I think.
For those of you that care (and you know who you are), the earliest I’ll be back is in about three weeks. I will be back, though.
If you need to reach me in the meantime, I will be checking my inbox here periodically. You can also message my personal tumblr [ x ] or contact me through skype if you have it.
p.s - I’ve taken Alex with me.
p.p.s - I apologize if, in the three weeks that I am gone, you lack the creativity to come up with your own shit. Because, you’ll be stealing no more of mine.
Due to recent and continuing events, I've decided to take a bit of a break from roleplaying. This isn't fun for me anymore and the amount of disrespect this community has for one another is exhausting and horrible. So rather than just silently suffering or publicly berating anyone, I'm just going to walk away. It's the saner option, I think.
For those of you that care (and you know who you are), the earliest I'll be back is in about three weeks. I will be back, though.
If you need to reach me in the meantime, I will be checking my inbox here periodically. You can also message my personal tumblr [ x ] or contact me through skype if you have it.
p.s - I've taken Alex with me.
p.p.s - I apologize if, in the three weeks that I am gone, you lack the creativity to come up with your own shit. Because, you'll be stealing no more of mine.
I made a clip of some very Allie-esque lines from Sophie's role in The World Is Not Enough. Because people tend to get confused about what I mean when I say 'lilting mixture of French and British'.
Lines:
"It runs in my veins, thicker than blood! I'm going to redraw the map, and when I'm through the whole world will know my name."
"Ha! They will believe, they will all believe! You understand? Nobody can resist me."
"You know what happens when a man is strangled?"
"You should have killed me when you had the chance. But you couldn't; not me, not a woman you have loved."
She sees him sometimes; pictures what he might be like if he were still there to walk beside her. HD is your best friend.
Song;; Stay - Sam Tsui Cover
Pairing;; Alexandra and Samael ft. Mortencia and Cesare
Title: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again (Part One of a Two Part Drabble)
Location: The Borderlands
Characters:Alexandra Valspar w/ heavy mentions of Samael
It’s hard to explain the myriad of thoughts and emotions ruminating in the lithe form of Alexandra Valspar, her amethyst gaze trailing over the land she knows as surely as the back of her hand. The Borderlands. Oh, but she could spit out those words - hissing them like a curse of old! Once this very spot had been her sanctuary, the place where she would run away and practice her magicks and tinker with the veil between worlds. Now, well now...it's her own personal hell.
Fingers tremble with pent up emotion, reaching out to graze over the Great Alder tree where the faded crimson stains of her blood still slash across the aged bark. Memories of scalding iron thrum beneath her flesh, burning the skin in phantom flashes. It hurts – ripping at her insides as well as her mind. She can feel the pain pulsing beneath her finger tips, dragging the oxygen fast from her lungs and gripping relentlessly at the strings of her heart.
Two thousand years, and it might as well have been yesterday.
She's certainly not there for a holiday; what she plans to do shouldn't keep her there for more than an hour - two at most. Except, fae time is tricky and what might only be a few hours there could be anything back on the mortal plane. She's prepared for the possibility, of course. There are letters waiting for her nearest and dearest, but the wrench remaining in her gut speaks volumes. Don't let it be years. Please, please, don't let it be years.
The fingers of her left hand tighten around the wicked object in their grip, the twisted black metal glinting in the light. It's hard for the blonde to remember a time when she didn't own the dagger. Still stained with Samael's blood, she's kept it hidden away for countless years, but despite what they say, out of sight hardly equates to out of mind. When she dreams, it all happens all over again.
{ wishing you were somehow here again
wishing you were somehow n e a r
s o m e t i m e s i t s e e m e d
I F I J U S T D R E A M E D
SOMEHOW YOU WOULD BE HERE }
"I'm sorry." The words are ripped from her lips in a ragged whisper, floating into emptiness around her as her heels drag along the hardened earth. She knows exactly where to go after all this time. Even though the grave is unmarked - Alexandra knows where she buried him. "I'm so sorry."
She had been half mad from the iron and delirious with grief when the Erlking tried to lead her away from the wreckage of her past life. Still, she had begged and pleaded to be allowed to bury him so that his mangled form wouldn't become food for carrion. He deserved better than that - he deserved to be alive, and she had taken that from him. There wasn't enough forgiveness in the world for all the wrongs she had committed against Samael.
Perhaps her greatest sin had been to love him at all.
wishing I could hear your voice again --
knowing that I never would...
The immortal has fallen to the ground, the dagger momentarily pushed to the side as she places her palms flatly against the ground. She had broken her nails digging his grave; for days the Erlking had tsked and tutted over her torn hands and fingers. Such pretty hands, he had said, to be wasted on a mortal's final bed. Her ugly hands had slapped him for that.
She had changed so much since then; Samael would hardly recognize his summer haired lover. Allie couldn't imagine him being afraid - he had been so brave - but he would never have looked at her the same. In abandoning herself, she had abandoned him. The fae couldn't take back the past, but she could give them both the peace that they deserved.
DREAMING OF YOU
won't help me to do
a l l t h a t y o u
DREAMED I COULD
"I loved you." Her tears are hot against the preternaturally cold flesh of her face, scorching her before falling to the patch of earth as her nails dug into the first layer of soil. It would have been easy - too easy - to use magick to accomplish her task. Instead she was determined to sweat and bleed. If anyone deserved her tears and her strain, it was Samael.
"I loved you," she bit out the words again as she tore at the dirt. "I loved you and I killed you. Don't you understand, I killed you because I loved you?" There's an adamancy in her voice, uncertain if she's talking her dead lover or herself. It was easy enough to imagine it was both. At one point they had been the same.
"I was happiest with you," she whispers through shuttering breaths and shaking sobs. "You who were my everything in a world of nothing. I had never known love until I met you. I never got to thank you for that, you know? You stole my heart -" Another sob, a broken miserable pause. "I stole your heart, your life and your soul."
And what good had her heart been at the end of the day? What a traitorous creature she had become even without it.
"I was foolish." Her hands paused their work, one moving to wipe the sweat from her brow as the other caressed the small dent in the ground. "I was young and naive, Samael. You could have had an entire life - grown old reading your poetry to the many grandchildren you might have had. Ours never would have been a life like that. Had I known - if I hadn't been so damned greedy for the dreams you offered - I would have..." A wretched sigh escaped her lips as the lie refused to leave them. She never would have let him go, she hadn't been capable till now. "I would have done it all over again."
TOO MANY YEARS FIGHTING BACK TEARS --
WHY CAN'T THE PAST JUST DIE?
She had clung to the idea of him for over two thousand years, hanging on to the memory of him as a child might cling to their security blanket. Even when all that remained of his face in her mind were a pair of too blue eyes and a warm smile, she still remembered with absolute clarity the way he had made her feel. She remembered dreams of a life of warmth and happiness, to be held in arms that comforted her and hands that smoothed her hair. For two thousand years she had been in love with an ideal.
It was time to let it go.
"I can't give you back your life or your warmth." Alexandra had almost thought she didn't have strength enough for any more tears, but again her vision burned and blurred with the weight of them. "I can't begin to apologize for all the wrongs I've committed against you. For the longest time I deserted you, even though I refused to let you go. I suppose that doesn't make much sense, but there it is. I used your memory in all the wrong ways, Samael. I barricaded myself in it and instead of collecting the warmth and love that remained from it, I squeezed every drop of sorrow and rage until bitterness became my sustenance. I failed you more in death than I ever did by taking your life. More than that, I failed myself."
For two thousand years she had shunned anyone that tried to get to close; even those in her odd little family in Rochester were still held at arm's length for fear of what her love might do to them. For two thousand years she had denied herself the very happiness and warmth that Samael would have wished for her. She wasn't being fair to either of them.
What hurt the most was the knowledge that her mother had been right. Her love had killed Samael, and would have over and over again. Their love never would have withstood the test of time.
"I can give you back something," she whispered finally as she gripped the dagger in her hands once more. His soul was trapped in that wretched bit of metal and she was going to return it to him. Raising her arms high above her head, a pained cry left the immortal's lips as she thrust the dagger deeply into the second, smaller grave she had dug with her own hands. Only the hilt remained visible, resting over the area where she knew Samael's chest to be.
-- "It's time that you rested, my love."
She collapsed against the earth once she had covered her work, resting her damp cheek against the upturned soil. Alexandra was exhausted in every sense of the word, too tired to even listen to the gentle thrum of nature or feel the faint rumbling of the earth underneath.
-- try to forgive, teach me to live...
GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO TRY!
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