spruce log @dumb-diary-shit - Tumblr Blog

i don't fuckin know

tw self harm

a tribute to the rosary i use to cover the cuts on my wrist, and the long wrap-watch my mother bought me in my favorite color when i was thirteen years old and four years clean, and the beautiful dark pearls i bought from a beach with no name. you keep my right hand together.

tribute to the bracelets on my desk sprawled out for me to decide. all the friendship bracelets i feel to guilty to use to cover up the scars i put onto myself. as for the desk of unused bracelets i might use tomorrow for when i slice my left hand, the oldest among them is the only piece of jewelry my father's ever given me: he believed me too smart for accessories and only gave me books or knives or things to make with. i have used everything in my arsenal to destroy, instead. we're like each other in that regard. the newest among them is a friendship bracelet that dyes my skin red whenever it gets wet. i lost a lot of friendship bracelets over the years and it's insane that this is the way i regret losing them. i regret having lost those friendship bracelets because they could have helped me cover up more scars. i could have given myself plenty more scars.

tomorrow i'm going to itch because i did not take my bracelets off all day. i never wear bracelets, i never wear gloves, i never wear long sleeves, i never wear anything that covers my skin. i run too hot, i sweat, and i want the world on my skin

this is the last i will ever see of the world. or more accurately the last the world will ever see of me. who i was is dead. i don't know who took its place. i know only of the bracelets on the desk and the bracelets on my wrist. i'm not the same. i never will be.

#tw self harm #tw self destruction #tw ed implied #tw sui ideation

that-transmasc-from-pluto

Ok I'm confused bc i swear to you Barbara Gordon is black like that is how I see her in my head but when I look her up none of the official sources have ever portrayed her as black? Where did I get that from?

i forgot what it feels like to hurt like this gosh it feels so fucking good

ran out of posts on twt which is my go-to venting place but i'm probably going to kms but first i gotta eat world's finest mango pie. i'm pretty well versed in poisons and even if i'm not i can always drown myself /j HAFKDAHGKLDAKLSHD i'm incapable of being seen tbh i said wayyy too much to people yesterday i've learned my lesson now i'm gonna lock in, dip, KMSS and then disappear. or if i'm lucky get checked into a psych ward LOLLLL i couldve had a future i had so many dreamsss and hopes and (fuck im sorry) promisesss

i give up man. i wanted to run for president. some other person has got to fix the philippnes

#log-???

hijo de puta

shit's so unserious why am i relapsing over a damn MOVIE getttt me to a psych ward tbh. i think i wanna genuinely check myself into a psych ward

dumb-diary-shit

mental breakdown caused by absolutely nothing.

calm down.

...

breathe in.

....

breathe out.

.....

alright

.........

alright. i'll be okay. just keep saying that. you'll believe it. you're going to be okay. you always do. breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out.

....i'm fucking tired though

i know

i don't even know what happened

i know

they meant it when they said the body remembers

i know

i don't like remembering anymore

i know.

if you say you know one more time i'm going to fucking choke you

...

sigh. you know what? i know. i know that you know, because we're the same, we're me. i'm you. you're me.

yeah.

so i shouldn't get mad at you

right

because i know you just want to help me

that's it

and because it's no use getting mad at myself for shit i can't control

you're getting better at this self-therapy thing

but i'm frustrated

i can tell

and so are you

of course i am

i'm sick of my dumb body fucking freezing all the time and being scared and feeling like shit for NO reason

i'm sick of it too

but you are so mature about it

we're the same.

but it's not fair! if i remembered what went wrong then i would know what to avoid

maybe. maybe you can't avoid it.

that's WORSE. this is always just going to happen, then?

it could.

fuck.

but?

...but. what?

...but...?

...but...but i can...i can survive. i'll live.

go on.

this will pass.

that's the spirit.

and. and at the very least. i'm not hurting anyone anymore.

good. keep going.

i'm here. nothing bad is happening. i'm okay.

that's right.

but something bad did happen-

-it's not happening anymore.

can't i just be allowed to be sad?

you've been sad for too long. it's time to get better.

but i don't know how to be good again.

it's not about being good again. it's about being good next time.

...

my hands have a lot of energy.

...i should write.

but my brain can't really think.

...then i should draw.

but my eyes aren't built to see anything pretty.

then what do i fucking do

i can't hurt anybody.

but that's what i want to do. i want to hurt. i really really want to hurt something.

...this isn't going to be good for me forever.

this isn't good for me NOW. what do you suggest?

do what we always do.

punch a wall?

punch a wall.

...did typing it out help?

it helped.

right.

isn't it. isn't it weird. talking to me like this?

it is weird.

but it's all i have, isn't it?

it isn't. you're just scared of other people. i'm just scared of other people. you know they'll understand, you just don't know if they have the time to actually help you. i'm scared. i don't want them to ignore me. maybe i should just never ask for their attention at all.

we're scared.

we are.

but we won't always be.

we won't.

and we'll get scared again.

we always will.

...not forever. scared doesn't last forever, right?

no. no it doesn't.

yeah.

feeling good yet?

no.

i figured.

but i don't think my chest is going to collapse. and i think it's easier to breathe. and the sounds are fading to silence. i feel like i'm not quite here anymore.

you'll come back.

will i still be scared when i return?

who knows.

...i'll find out later. i'll enjoy this for now.

come back to your friends after all this

i will

they won't know what to do

they won't

but they'll open their arms anyway

they will.

does that make you feel good?

it does.

alright. just keep. thinking. about them. about things that make you feel good. wallowing in your misery is refreshing in its own pathetic way, but swim too far, and you'll drown. remember that.

i wish i drowned.

no you don't.

no, you don't.

remember. you and i, we're the same.

dumb-diary-shit

need this again

why cant i just b good am i chronically a dipshit for the rest of my life what is wrong with me