<tears for her>10.13.19-11.3.19
the thought of her made tears cloud my eyes as i squirmed with excitement. i recounted our sunset dances and romantic dates, our plans for tonight, tomorrow, next week. i told them how she made me feel: how scared we both were for our first kiss. how purple and pink the sky was when we held each other on the balcony. how she turned a deeper pink when i told her to kiss me.
i cried leaving prom. 10:30 sounded late at first but went by with just one dance, one photo, one kiss. my first date to a dance, my first girlfriend, my first love: she made me feel wanted and loved. she made me feel beautiful in my own skin, and free from the judgement stares when we arrived almost an hour late with hardly any makeup on, but holding hands and sharing a smile.
a contrast to when i asked her to this very dance. when i wrote the question ‘PROM?’ on my palm to reveal later, but my hands were starting to sweat and my knees were starting to shake. i had never asked anyone to prom before, let alone a girl? tears of excitement and fear brimmed my eyes as i watched her walk out of the gym, asked her my question, then gave her a very awkward hug. i did not see anything that happened that moment.
when we were seven thousand and nine hundred miles apart. tears held us together. tears of hope for when we will be together again. ‘it will get better’ we said. i cried in fear that it wouldn’t.
at first i cried tears of joy again. peace between us, the end of a civil war. then, the number of calls died. the words ‘i love you’ forgotten. the meaning, distant. i watched her from afar, knowing that my attempts at conversations would be met with short replies. she was happiest when i didn’t exist, when i didn’t bother her. our conversation grew scarce, while her impression of me grew bitter. i counted the number of minutes between each quarrel.
i cried endlessly waiting for something to end us. to end me. i missed her every day, even when she was sitting right there next to me. i cried because the one person i loved, the one person i gave my everything to, was the one person hurting me. she cried because i couldn’t understand.
when you left i felt relief but cried tears of sadness. loneliness. sometimes you were the only person in this space and time who understood my irrational thoughts. other times, you were a stranger staring through my window. you were the right person for a moment, this calming wind between two storms. then, i made the mistake of stirring your waters. once we fell we couldn’t stop falling. i thought that every moment with you was another stitch that held our two fabrics together. i thought i alone could mend the tear. tears. i thought wrong.
i cried because your life didn’t stop. mine stopped beating. i cried because you acted like you didn’t care. like i was just a badge you showed off until people stopped looking. i cried because not once did you ask how i’m doing. how my day went. not once, did you ask about me.
i cried because for months i couldn’t stand life. the colors in it reminded me of you too much. i couldn’t listen to music because of the songs we shared. i couldn’t bare the color hot pink because it brought you laughter. i couldn’t get icecream without you, watch movies without you, i couldn’t even go shopping because it reminded me of all the things i bought you that you never wore, you never used. i couldn’t bare seeing your friends because they had you, and i didn’t.
but now, i cry because i let life pass me by. i didn’t give myself credit for leaving too. i didn’t love myself enough to stop making excuses for you. i don’t regret us, but i do regret letting you consume me.
i cry because i am ready to let go, to embrace whatever is next.
