Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America

I hate birds. These are my field notes.

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

✅ LAST CHANCE TO VOTE IN THE FINALS! ✅

🗳 Voting for the Goodreads Choice Awards Finals closes 12/4 – If you haven't yet voted in the final round, why not VOTE FOR DUMB BIRDS in the HUMOR category?

I am so honored to be a finalist - Thank you all for your support! 🦅

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

🦅 DUMB BIRDS MADE IT TO THE FINALS!! 🦅

Holy Woodpecker! Dumb Birds has made it to the @GOODREADS Choice Awards Final Round!! PLEASE HELP DUMB BIRDS FLY ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!

Final Round Voting closes Dec. 4 – give birds the finger and CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE FINALS TODAY!

I’m so incredibly grateful for all of your support. Thank you all! 

✅ ✅ ✅

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Yes, birds still suck. But THIS doesn’t:  

DUMB BIRDS HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR BEST HUMOR BOOK IN THE 2022 @GOODREADS CHOICE AWARDS!! 🦅

Please help the Dumb Birds of The Whole Stupid World fly straight to the top by casting your VOTE today — help Dumb Birds make it to the finals! 

https://www.goodreads.com/choiceawards/best-humor-books-2022 ✅✅✅

Thanks for all of your support!

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

Common Name: Boreal Chickadee

This brown capped member of the Tit family is brown and dull. It lives quietly in the forests of the far North American continent and is non-migratory, so unless you’re unlucky enough to be in Alaska or Canada you probably won’t have to see one. Not that you would probably notice it if you did. It happily visits backyard feeders within its range, but there’s no compelling reason to bother looking. 

Fun Fact: Canadians are so bored with this bird that they have tried making it more interesting by inventing fun colloquial names for it, like Chick Chick, Tom-tit, and even Fillady. This doesn’t really help.

Bird Region: North America

🦅🦅🦅⁠

⁠Read all about this and other asshats from around the world in my latest book:⁠

THE FIELD GUIDE TO DUMB BIRDS OF THE WHOLE STUPID WORLD⁠

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

Yellow Bastard Chat Common Name: Yellow-breasted Chat

This obnoxious shit can never be serious. He may look pretty, but he’s a goddamned clown. He’s the kind of bird that’s always chuckling. Or gurgling. Or making various squeaks and squawks. He gets a real kick out of hiding in hedges and mimicking a crow or maybe a car horn. It’s pretty much impossible not to hate this bird as soon as he opens his fucking beak. 

Color: Bright yellow and whatever. I hate this guy.

Bird Region: North America

🦅🦅🦅

Read all about this and other avian asshats from around the world in my latest book:

The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of the Whole Stupid World

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

It’s spring and we all know what that means. That’s right—the goddamned scrub jays are back.

California Smug Jerk Common Name: California Scrub Jay (formerly Western Scrub Jay)

Due to climate change, this smug son of a bitch has expanded its range from California up the western coast of the U.S. into Washington State, and is now regularly disturbing the peace in my back yard with its fucking loud, harsh call. 

It used to be called the Western Scrub Jay, but some scientists got bored and decided to divide them into two separate species (California Scrub Jays in coastal areas, and Woodhouse’s Scrub Jays in the interior). Both are still smug fucks.

Bird Region: North America. West Coast. Definitely in the author’s trees.

🦅🦅🦅

Read all about this and other asshats from around the world in my latest book:

THE FIELD GUIDE TO DUMB BIRDS OF THE WHOLE STUPID WORLD

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

Feel like some quality audio entertainment? 

Listen to my interview on The Cabin Country Podcast, where I chat with two swell fellows from Minnesota about dumb birds, cabins, art, and the trials of being in the 4th grade.

Cabin Country - Ep. 35: Dumb-Ass Birds - A F@*!#ing Hilarious Field Guide!

Ps. Do yourself a favor and follow this podcast! It’s quality entertainment with that rich, smooth midwest flavor that will leave you feeling good.

The Cabin Country Podcast Join Bjorn and Fud as they trade stories and memories of cabin life in Minnesota. Sure, the fish aren't always biting and the old boat motor doesn't always start, but there are always fond recollections of time spent at the cabin, either from decades back or just weeks ago.

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

I knew the Buttigiegs were cool.

🦅🦅🦅

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#1: That time you finally spotted a Golden Crowned Kinglet

You are on a winter walk down by the water. It is a cold and crisp but sunny day. Unexpectedly, you see a small bird in the brush near you. You instantly recognize it as the Golden Crowned Kinglet. How could you ever forget that bird? Remember that bird report in the fourth grade? You had tried, but failed to spot one in the field... until now. Somehow, you feel that if you can get a picture of it with your phone, you will be vindicated in some small but important way. It won’t stop moving long enough for your phone to focus.  You end up with multiple pictures of a blurry, nondescript shape among the leaves. It laughs and flits away. 

“You little son of a bitch,” you think.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#2: Picture Window Provocation

You are fortunate. You are blessed. You look out your large, west facing window, past your cherry trees, at the water and islands of the beautiful Puget Sound. You are a deep state of awe as the setting sun begins dipping behind the snowcapped Olympic Mountains. It lights the sky on fire with hues of pink and orange that can’t be properly described. You are filled with a sense of serenity and gratitude. Or at least you would be, if some bird had not somehow managed to land a huge messy load right in the very exact middle of your goddamned picture window. You are going to have to get a ladder to clean it.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#3: Cherry Thievery

You have two cherry trees in your backyard. You have lived in this house for four years, but you have never eaten a single cherry from either of those trees. Why, you ask? Because freeloading birds gorge themselves on your fruit before it is even ripe. You are not sure if it is your imagination, but you think you once saw a crow wink at you as it plucked the last of the cherries off of a branch.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#4: That time you were trying to sleep in on a Saturday, but a woodpecker mistook your metal rain gutter for a tree, for like an hour

Is this bird for real? It can’t be that difficult to distinguish between aluminum and a rotted tree trunk. You are starting to feel like this is personal.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#5: The Poolside Affront

You are poolside at a resort hotel. You are on a vacation getaway. You don’t get to do this sort of thing very often. It is hot, and you are basking in the sun. You have a tall, cold drink, and a plate of snacks delivered because you are just too relaxed to get up to go eat. There are a number of juvenile Grackles running around the pool, making noise. You are so hot and relaxed that this doesn’t even bother you. It almost amuses you. Then one of them hops up onto the chaise next to you and steals a beakful of food right off your hummus plate. It looks right at you while it steals from you. It’s like like you don’t even matter. You just got mugged by a bird.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#6: That time your cat knocked everything off the coffee table and spilled a potted plant on the white carpet trying to get to the hummingbird taunting it from the side window

You wonder if it’s the same hummingbird. You wonder if you should go ahead and let the cat out, just this once.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#7: That time you had to put tape over your window because some dumb robin thought its own reflection was another bird

It keeps smashing into the window over and over. It is unbelievable. The damned thing just keeps flying into the window, attacking its own reflection. It is going to give itself brain damage. You are worried it is going to crack the window. You do some research online and read that this is not uncommon behavior for many birds during breeding season. You find an article that says young robins can be especially aggressive and persistent. The article suggests you cover the outside of the window with stickers or paper, so you put strips of painter’s tape across the glass. This is the moment when the true depth of bird stupidity really begins to sink in.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#8: That time your cat bent the venetian blinds trying to get to the hummingbird that felt it necessary to hover two inches from the window in the guest bedroom

You know that technically the cat is to blame, but you can’t really fault him. He was provoked. 

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#9: That friend from freshman year of college who lived off campus and whose housemate kept a Cockatoo as a pet 

Living in the dorm is okay, but it kind of sucks because your RA is a stickler for the rules. Lucky you have that friend who lives in that off-campus rental house. He and his housemates throw great parties all the time, and they always have good weed, so there are usually girls to talk to. Too bad one of his housemates keeps that big white bird as a pet. It’s never in a cage. Aren’t birds supposed to be in cages? This one flies around wherever. It’s also kind of noisy and aggressive. It tries to land on your shoulder and climb onto your head every time you stand up. “It’s okay, dude. He just wants to be perched on the tallest thing in the room.” The bird is very pushy about it. You don’t like feeling those big claws on your scalp while it flaps its wings and shrieks. You are pretty sure the bird is establishing its dominance. You guess you will just stay in the bean-bag chair and crawl to the door when you’re ready to leave.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound