#fgtdbona

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

It’s spring and we all know what that means. That’s right—the goddamned scrub jays are back.

California Smug Jerk Common Name: California Scrub Jay (formerly Western Scrub Jay)

Due to climate change, this smug son of a bitch has expanded its range from California up the western coast of the U.S. into Washington State, and is now regularly disturbing the peace in my back yard with its fucking loud, harsh call. 

It used to be called the Western Scrub Jay, but some scientists got bored and decided to divide them into two separate species (California Scrub Jays in coastal areas, and Woodhouse’s Scrub Jays in the interior). Both are still smug fucks.

Bird Region: North America. West Coast. Definitely in the author’s trees.

🦅🦅🦅

Read all about this and other asshats from around the world in my latest book:

THE FIELD GUIDE TO DUMB BIRDS OF THE WHOLE STUPID WORLD

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

Common Name: Boreal Chickadee

This brown capped member of the Tit family is brown and dull. It lives quietly in the forests of the far North American continent and is non-migratory, so unless you’re unlucky enough to be in Alaska or Canada you probably won’t have to see one. Not that you would probably notice it if you did. It happily visits backyard feeders within its range, but there’s no compelling reason to bother looking. 

Fun Fact: Canadians are so bored with this bird that they have tried making it more interesting by inventing fun colloquial names for it, like Chick Chick, Tom-tit, and even Fillady. This doesn’t really help.

Bird Region: North America

🦅🦅🦅⁠

⁠Read all about this and other asshats from around the world in my latest book:⁠

THE FIELD GUIDE TO DUMB BIRDS OF THE WHOLE STUPID WORLD⁠

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

Yellow Bastard Chat Common Name: Yellow-breasted Chat

This obnoxious shit can never be serious. He may look pretty, but he’s a goddamned clown. He’s the kind of bird that’s always chuckling. Or gurgling. Or making various squeaks and squawks. He gets a real kick out of hiding in hedges and mimicking a crow or maybe a car horn. It’s pretty much impossible not to hate this bird as soon as he opens his fucking beak. 

Color: Bright yellow and whatever. I hate this guy.

Bird Region: North America

🦅🦅🦅

Read all about this and other avian asshats from around the world in my latest book:

The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of the Whole Stupid World

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

I knew the Buttigiegs were cool.

🦅🦅🦅

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

Start enjoying 2021 now! 

Order the Dumb Birds of North America 2021 Daily Calendar!

You can wait to enjoy it until January, or just say screw it and dive in right now, because there are no rules anymore. This handsome little desk calendar is packed with dumb bird facts, birding how-to's, must-have gear tips, and bunches of new content so you can identify these annoying jerks all year round.

Makes a great gift for anyone who is interested in birds and foul language.

GIT THAT SWEET SWEET CALENDAR 

🦅Order two. You deserve it after 2020. 🦅

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#1: That time you finally spotted a Golden Crowned Kinglet

You are on a winter walk down by the water. It is a cold and crisp but sunny day. Unexpectedly, you see a small bird in the brush near you. You instantly recognize it as the Golden Crowned Kinglet. How could you ever forget that bird? Remember that bird report in the fourth grade? You had tried, but failed to spot one in the field... until now. Somehow, you feel that if you can get a picture of it with your phone, you will be vindicated in some small but important way. It won’t stop moving long enough for your phone to focus.  You end up with multiple pictures of a blurry, nondescript shape among the leaves. It laughs and flits away. 

“You little son of a bitch,” you think.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#4: That time you were trying to sleep in on a Saturday, but a woodpecker mistook your metal rain gutter for a tree, for like an hour

Is this bird for real? It can’t be that difficult to distinguish between aluminum and a rotted tree trunk. You are starting to feel like this is personal.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound

[dumbbirdsfieldguide]

#2: Picture Window Provocation

You are fortunate. You are blessed. You look out your large, west facing window, past your cherry trees, at the water and islands of the beautiful Puget Sound. You are a deep state of awe as the setting sun begins dipping behind the snowcapped Olympic Mountains. It lights the sky on fire with hues of pink and orange that can’t be properly described. You are filled with a sense of serenity and gratitude. Or at least you would be, if some bird had not somehow managed to land a huge messy load right in the very exact middle of your goddamned picture window. You are going to have to get a ladder to clean it.

You can order The Field Guide to Dumb Birds of North America:

Amazon • Barnes & Noble • Chronicle Books • IndieBound