'70s Fashion Horror

Flash fiction riffs on fashion crimes from the 70s. For survivors of the polyester apocalypse. If you lived through the 70's you knew they were more than just the Brady Bunch and bell bottoms and using the word groovy about the Brady Bunch wearing bell bottoms. There was something insidious going on - these things don't just happen by chance. No one decides to look like this voluntarily; the white belts, the zippers, the retina-abusing patterns. Why did we do this to ourselves? What force caused us to, zombie-like, put on polyester that stuck to our bodies in the humidity, and clammy plastic that froze our flesh in the cold? Was there some overlord master of diseased fashion from on high that laughed as we actually matched plaid with polka dots and went to school smiling? Was there something else going on here we couldn't see? Behold, the twisted, tortured entity who is 70's fashion as he sits on his mirrored, faux fur throne, rubbing his purple Naugahyde gloves together and wheezing, "I will not suffer alone! The universe must share my pain!" And so you shall.

[dvanoss]

We've Moved!

Love this Tumblr? Check out all-new posts on my 70's Fashion Horror Substack.

[dvanoss]

I see. And may I remind you that I still have a little something in my office safe I like to call the "Jeremy File". Would you like to know what's in the "Jeremy File", Jeremy? I'm sure your wife would be very curious to know. Especially that lovely photo of you and that redhead from stenography jumping up and down on a waterbed at the Lucky Strike Motel wearing nothing but bunny ears. The Frankenheimer account is mine, Jeremy. Mine.

[dvanoss]

I've... got... my... polka-dot tie, and I'm flyin' so high, Like the butterfly it's in the shape of! 'Cause my baby said 'yes', in her polka-dot dress, And I know that we will never break up! I had thought we were through, 'Cause I only wore blue, Then I switched to red and my, oh, my! She's now my red-hot honey in her polka-dot dress, And I'm her fella in my polka-dot tie!

[dvanoss]

"How long?" "Almost two hours! She's been standing frozen in that pose for, like, two hours!" "What's she doing?" "Beats me. Angela says she thinks she's a robot." "What?!" "Yes, like, a real robot. She says she saw her drinking oil in the dressing room." "That's crazy!" "Well, Angela says she saw it. And not Wesson, but that 3-In-One oil you get out of the can that goes pucka-pucka-puck." "You...you think it's true?" "I don't know. But I'm not letting some android chick take all the good gigs just 'cause she can hold a pose forever. First chance I get—" "Shhhh!" "What?" "I...I think I hear whirring..."

[dvanoss]

No, seriously, Chuck. Did I get the promotion or not? I mean, all kidding aside, you gotta level with me. I've been working my butt off on the Magllicutty account — two years, and no summer vacation with the kids this year just so's I could take Old Man Magillicutty to the links, and then he runs off with some waitress he meets in the clubhouse before we can even finish the back nine. Chuck? It's the shirt, isn't it? Ahhgg! I knew I should have gone with Woodstock!

[dvanoss]

So, Mr. Bahnd, we finally know your true identity. Pity. I would have thought a haberdasher a far more challenging adversary than a simple tie maker.

[dvanoss]

Set in sunny California, "Perky Polyester" was the Fortrel Company’s ill-fated venture into the burgeoning Saturday Morning kid's programming. The show seemed to have everything it needed: money, a good time slot after the Bugaloos, and the lead performance of child actor Suzee Swanson, fresh off a hit orange juice commercial ("Get your SQEEEEEEEEZE o' sunshine!!!"). She played Perky, an overly-caffeinated kid of indeterminate age who tooled around the beaches in her magical spokeless red WonderBus having adventures with her friends. But the insistence of Fotrel's CEO to include his daughter as the fourth member of the cast was the death knell when it was discovered she had the first documented case of being allergic to a color (yellow). Funding was pulled soon after, and the project was reworked as "Wonder Bug".

[dvanoss]

Dr. Rodriguez rubbed his hands in glee. Yes! Yes! Success! The Invert-a-Stretch works! He did a little jig around his laboratory. Now I can have all of the tall blondes I want!

[dvanoss]

"Mommy, why did Becky —" "Hush, dear! Becky wants us to get our photo taken and we need to be good little girls, don't we?" "But the man —" "— the man is nice looking, isn't he? And he's going to take our picture, just like Becky wanted him to. He was just being silly when he told her no." "Well I think he's silly now without a mouth. And his face is all melty." "Hahahaha! No, dear, he's just fine! He likes it like that." "I don't want to smile anymore." "Oh, no, dear, we must smile and be happy, because it's a good day, isn't it? It's a good day!"

[dvanoss]

"I swear, Barbara, if I didn't know better —" "Oh, Steve, I've told you a hundred times already. Buckles are so yesterday. Now, smile for Lars." "Lars? He's just the photographer. Since when did he become Lars? Besides, I'm not talking about the belt, I'm talking about the shirt." "I thought brown and yellow were your favorite colors?" "They are, but...this pattern..." "Oh, you silly goose! Lars said you might be camera shy." "I'm not camera shy! I mean, where did you find this guy?" "Why?" (whispers) "Well, what kind of photographer carries a gun in his camera bag?" "Look, if you're going to be such a big baby about, why don't you try closing your eyes for the first shot? I mean, photo? You know, just to get used to it?" "Fine, but just so you know, this is the last time I'm wearing this shirt." "Okay by me. Smile!"

[dvanoss]

"No, seriously, she actually believes she's Marcia Brady. Here real name is Becky. I saw it on the contract when her mother dropped her off." "Seriously? That's so weird!" "Tell me about it!" "She does kind of look like her, you know." "Are you kidding?! Her cheekbones are all wrong, for one. I mean, if anyone should know, it's me, right?" "Wait... what do you mean?" "Well, silly! I'm Jan Brady, remember?"

[dvanoss]

The Crochet Berets had a minor hit with "My Little Star Bag" in 1975, reaching all the way to number 55 on the Pop charts.  They sank without a trace after a DJ disproved the rumor that Erin Moran was the lead singer by showing she was on the set of Happy Days shooting the episode "Hollywood: Part 3".

[dvanoss]

"No, see, she's a lawyer and a mom." "Hmmm..." "Look, I  already pitched it to Tinker and he loved it. Absolutely loved it. Said it will knock Police Woman out of the 8 PM slot on Fridays.” "What do we have running there now?" "Holmes & Yo-Yo." "Oh. Yeah. Okay, so, what's her husband do?" "He's a stay at home dad, see. But he's a dope. Can't even run the dishwasher, overloaded sudsy laundry, one of those rag-mop dogs, the whole bit." "Is there a sexy divorced neighbor who has no job and always seems to be dropping by right at the most inopportune times half the time only wearing a terry cloth towel for some reason?" "Of course." "Sold." Lawyer Mom! 

[dvanoss]

She's BUMP! (She's a crazy one!) She's BUMP! (She's just havin' fun!) She's BUMP and no one's gonna hold her down! She's BUMP! (And her best friend Sue!) She's BUMP! (And HER best friend Lou!) She's BUMP she's gonna turn your world around! Take a little magic and a groovy attitude, Mix it up with moxie and some who-knows-what-else-too! She's BUMP! (She's a crazy one!) She's BUMP! (She's just havin' fun!) She's BUMP, and she's comin' to your town!!

[dvanoss]

“No, no, no! The poisonous one is on the far left! Remember, ‘Red next to yellow kills a fellow. Red next to gray means come out and play.’ Now let's try again. The party's in only two hours.”

[dvanoss]

Leopardess and the Turtles scored a major hit in their native Sweden with "Skiing With My Go-Go Boots On". Poised to take over the States, their single failed to chart because of public outrage when the record manufacturer accidentally printed their record sleeve with a workplace safety graphic. An original mint copy of "This Is What Happens When You Don't Wear Your Leather Cullottes" now sells for over $2000.

[dvanoss]

"That Smile Award is mine, Jeannie!" "Like fudge! I'm not letting some two-bit hack break my record!" "You're old school, you has-been. And wait'll the judges find out you capped your teeth!" "That's a lie! Who told you that?" "A certain Jeremy Banks. He said you're a bad kisser, too." "He did not! I kiss that way so I won't scratch my teeth on his braces! And stay away from my boyfriend!"