Alright, I think I understand better. I have a last question totally out of curiosity: when, why and how did you begin to identify as the multiverse? I'm sorry if this is offensive, but this is the first time I have the occasion to ask and I find it fascinating and really interesting. Don't answer if you don't feel like it.
I (human self) was 13. I had a dissociative moment where I was convinced that I 'understood the universe', but then immediately forgot it, leaving me only with an intense feeling of being 'so close'. It was overwhelming and instantaneous.
I had only a vague recollection of those brief moments of 'understanding', and the only thing I took away from it was a feeling of vast nothingness, or emptiness. Choking on the fading memories that I may or may not have had, failing to put a finger on it, I started to question existence itself.
Foolishly, I used to 'prove' that the walls were there in my school by gliding along with my hand touching them at all times. A few years later, I realized that if I really didn't exist here in this world, my brain could easily fake tactile sensations, such as feeling those walls in my school.
Part of me still feels like a brain in a vat. Solipsist even. Then I start to think that if I am just a brain in a vat then why the fuck is my human-life so fucking boring? Why bother brushing teeth? Why bother going to work? etc. etc. Why can't I dream myself into a more interesting fake-reality?
That's basically where I'm at. I don't know if I'm everything, nothing, or something in between.
I shudder every time I go back down the adolescent hallways that I memorized every bump of the texture. I'd prefer to exist infinitely rather than continually prove to myself that I am real.
Hard to explain. Did I make any sense at all?
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