Bored White Person @dylan-russell - Tumblr Blog

The Final Conversation

My family was out bodysurfing in Costa Rica, like we always do when word reaches us of quality waves on the Mediterranean coast, when my dad took a wave way out of his league and nearly died. “What if I had died”, he screamed as we laughed at him. That made me think of this:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM, MY DAD IS LYING ON HIS DEATHBED - DUSK

Dad: Son, approach me.

Me: I may enter the prohibited zone?

Dad: Yes, come close (first time my dad has allowed me within 5 feet of him in my entire life).

Dad: Son, I don’t have very long, I need you to promise me that you’ll take care of our family.

Me: OK, but they’re all fully grown adults, financially healthy, well set up for long productive careers, I don’t think -

Dad: Your my only son dammit, I need you to be the man of the family now.

Me: Ok sure, but what does that even mean in today’s society with gender roles being broken down and coming together like never before?

Dad: And one more thing. The secret to happiness. I wanted to keep it to myself but now I’m dying and I don’t want it to die with me.

I move in even closer as my dad pulls out his wallet. For the first time in my life I’m close enough to smell him - he smells like a combination of corn and lobster. This may be because he just finished eating a lobster corn chowder, but it could just as easily be his natural musk.

Dad: The secret to happiness is the exact combination of money, family as represented by family photos, and 20% off Indian Pavilion’s Lunch Buffet coupons, found in this wallet.

Me: ...there’s only one family photo in here and it’s missing both your daughters.

I start to leave the room. As I reach the door my dad sits bolt upright in his bed.

Dad: One more thing I almost forgot! Catch!

Dad tosses something at me, it catches the light as it hurtles towards me and I read ‘Ford Mustang’ written in metallic letters. I do a quadruple backflip off the wall, flash my dad a thumbs up on the second flip, and catch the keychain mid air, “thanks Pa”.

Best Man

When [*&)(@# first chose me to be the best man, I thought: society bestowed that title upon me years ago, why are you patronizing me? After an exchange of blows, I realized he meant for his wedding and that he was getting married. This was followed by 2 hours of celebration - high-fiving, tickling and horseplay which concluded when I said “ok now down low”. As his hand came down I pulled mine away, “too slow”. His face turned beet red, but he reined his anger in. I had seen him kill for less.

With emotions running high I knew he would be unable to lie to me. “do you love her?”, I asked. He looked me dead in the eye and said “more than anything”, but I had to confirm it. From behind my back* I pulled out what had previously been his favorite thing in the world, two six-flags admission tickets for the day of his wedding**. He took them from my hand and stared at them hard for several minutes. Then with sudden intensity he thrust them into the fire he keeps burning in his living room at all times.

*I had been holding my hand behind my back for the entire time under the pretense that I was scratching an itch.

**Although I had just found out about his wedding, I carry around six-flag admission tickets for moments such as these.

What came first the chicken or the egg?

One of these is correct:

The first chicken was an immortal named Dqzr Pjoom who manifested itself well before the first recorded egg.

As a self described chicken that started as an egg and whose father before me also started as an egg, I take offense to that question.

Slow cooked over an open fire after marinating in spiced garlic butter.

Neither egg nor chicken as they are currently constructed would have survived the meteor that destroyed the dinosaurs, therefore I think an egg-shaped chicken with diamond-plated armor was the precursor to both egg and chicken.

Last Minute Tips for Buying Christmas Gifts

How do you know who your real friends are? Here are some techniques I have used to determine this:

Will they pledge their undying love for you here and now at the office christmas party in front of their family, boss, and the contract lawyer you brought along?

An MRI scan (true friends generally have larger brains).

Enter a room they are sitting in. Place a jar of honey onto the table and say “this is my favorite honey I’ve ever had, it cost me nearly $30 in US dollars.” Leave the room. Release a bear into the room. A true friend will fight that bear to the death to protect the honey.

Lastly, how good are the christmas gifts they bought you? Here is another list of advice that should help you buy a good christmas gift:

Don’t ever buy someone a book you haven’t already read. Do you think it’s OK for another person to know more about something than you? (Rhetorical question to make you think).

Buy them a christmas tree - either they already have one, or they don’t believe in immaculate conception, but then what’s their theory for how humans are made?

Kidnap one of your friends closest family members, and hide them in a secluded area. Make sure it’s hard to find, as a man hunt involving the police will soon be under way. The next day, return the family member as a christmas present (they will be grateful) but not before slaughtering all the wild animals in the surrounding area. Explain how you had to fight off a horde of animals to get this person back. This will likely be accepted as true because most people believe wild animals are out to get us after we cut down the forests to build our cities.

Buy them a CD of popular christmas songs. These never get old no matter how many times you hear them.

Get them toilet paper, but only on one of the following two conditions - 1. You can slip a laxative into their drink before hand, or 2. You have observed them wiping and they use a lot of toilet paper (if they are a true friend, you should already have this information).

Moose and I

I jogged away from my house with reckless abandon. I reached the main street running perpendicular and turned right. Why right? Because I sensed an animal spirit guiding me that way. I reached the spirit - a moose as it turns out. We locked eyes. It was afraid, I said “don’t be afraid, you have like 2,000 pounds on me.” The moose relented and let me approach it’s being. I hopped astride it’s ample back, “let’s rescue the princess Moose, or should I call you deer?” I ripped the fake moose outfit from the deers back, revealing a rather indignant deer, “do you know how long it takes to put on a moose outfit with no hands?” I looked down at my hands, all I could think about was my hand privilege. “Sorry deer, but we got a princess to save” I kicked hard into its haunches.

Things You Can Do to Help Slow Climate Change

97% of thermometer’s are in agreement: climate change is happening. Excellent news for the ice-haters out there (basically people in California, and Pyro from X-Men) but bad news for those who want the only known life in the Universe to continue (100% of everyone ever, even Hitler didn’t want planet wide extinction).

However, if everyone commits to implementing the below list, I believe we should have a good chance of stopping climate change:

1. There is an epidemic of excess freezer space in first world countries. Please fill your freezer with liquid water. Once it freezes, toss it anywhere in the outside world, and watch in satisfaction as the Earth is cooled.

2. Have you ever noticed that climate change got a whole lot worse after Pharrell came out with Happy? Can we blame the Earth for having a sunny disposition after listening to that song? Earth’s primary coolant, tears, can only be obtained if we hurl vicious insults upon our own planet. I’ll start. Earth, you are the only object in the universe known to accommodate life, yet you yourself are inanimate and lack sentience.

3. Take any spare mirrors from your house, and place them outside on the ground facing up. This will reflect the suns rays back into space and prevent harmful UV rays from reaching the soil, where they can cause some of the malignant tumors known to cause climate change.

There is a small chance that the light will travel through space and reach a planet not incased in a greenhouse like ours, and therefore in dire need of sunlight. For this to work don’t aim the mirror directly at any stars as planets can only exist a certain distance away from a sun, instead aim at the darkness between stars.

#climate change

Life Hack: Want time to pass more quickly? Check the time every second

A common mistake made by bored students, worker’s of dead-end jobs, and those waiting for HIV test results to return is checking the time of day too infrequently.

By only checking the time every once in a while, you are leaving gaps between clock-check-ins (CCI’s) and committing a grievous error - giving the mind too much time to think. A CCI rate of 60/minute neatly resolves this issue. You’ll be too busy checking your timepiece to think about how much time has passed.

Do you want time to elapse quicker? Try this exercise:

Stare deep into the face of an analog clock. Lose yourself in the rhythmic movement of the seconds hands as it winds it’s way round and round. Register each and every second on a visceral level. As your surroundings melt away, and your new time-awareness spreads through your body, notice and laugh at most human’s limited observation and perception of the fourth dimension.

You are now a time-warlock with full understanding of time’s flat, circular nature, capable of moving between what has been described by lesser beings as ‘the past’ and ‘the future’.

Ok now check the time again. If you did it right, the desired amount of elapsed time should have passed. Wasn’t that easy?

#time-warlock

Area Man disappointed to find once empty cookie tray refilled seconds after ordering

Wellesley, MA – Waiting for his recently completed order to arrive, area man John Belington was disheartened to see an assortment of freshly baked cookies arrive fresh out of the oven. “Every day I run through several mundane tasks, all made bearable by the thought that at noon I’m allowed to walk down to the deli and purchase a cookie to go along with my sandwich.” said a morose Belington as he popped a peanut butter M&M into his mouth before muttering “It’s just not the same” and regurgitating the M&M into a napkin. At press time a second cookie rack appeared containing special edition cookies placing Belington in a predicament, return to the end of the line and live with the anxiety of possibly arriving 2 minutes late to a meaningless meeting or forgo a rare cookie – something no office worker has ever consciously done.

#cookies

Introverts rejoice! 5 ready-made ways to extricate yourself from a conversation:

Trapped on a form of transportation that has placed you next to a complete stranger enumerating her 15 cat’s many quirky behaviors? Use one of these tried and true methods to evacuate the conversation:

Respond to any reference to the weather by stating, “Feeling sensation. Must be nice. Haven’t been able to do that since my nerve endings were destroyed in a fire along with my immediate family.”

Extinguish a torch with half a coconut shell, and say “On the reality TV show Survivor, this action signified an ending of sorts, I’m hoping it has the same affect on this conversation.”

Try out a classic failsafe – utter in low raspy voice “this conversation hath dirtied me, and now I must cleanse” and discharge all bodily fluids in a single instance: Earwax, sweat, blood, feces, ejaculate, tears, and mucus. Be sure to meticulously collect all of it into a container for later reentry into the body. Please observe the norms of human decency and wait for a private moment to do so.

Use reverse psychology, and launch into an engaging story: “Have I told you the story of how I was stuck in traffic for four straight hours yet? For the first minute I maintained a speed of 5 MPH, then after a lively internal debate on whether to keep the fan on speed 5 or lower it to speed four, I had a revelation: some lanes were making more progress than others. Minute two... well that’s whole other story for another day...”

Stop mid-conversation and take stock of all your possessions. Start emptying all your pockets, including the flesh pocket on your upper thigh containing the Lost JewelStones of Solomon. Group the items based on value making sure the JewelStones have been grouped with lint and used tissues to mask their true value. Once done stand up, and make an insightful observation for the fuck of it, “Organizing things is a calming and an oddly satisfying behavior.”

Hope this helps!

#introvert #flesh-pockets

Barglar the Alien

The alien named Barglar was squat, green, shamelessly bald, and had one bulging eye left of center. The alien was also furious. He was furious not because the bathroom light wasn’t working, and it certainly wasn’t, but because his most destructive phasers weren’t working. Phasers built by structural engineers in his home planet. A planet so structurally advanced that structures provided entire populations sustenance.

Structures had advanced from simple shelter giving constructions to objects that could be consumed for nourishment, hydration, and even provide sexual stimulation. Of course this created a multitude of problems, the agricultural based economy crashed and population went into steep decline, but that had been centuries ago. Such primitive problems had since been resolved, as structural technology had advanced even further. So for phasers, a fairly basic construct, to be inoperable was beyond stunning – it was bordering on the unbelievable.

And so it came to pass that Barglar questioned the motives of his kin. “I left my planet with one noble goal in mind: mindless destruction of inorganic compounds, and my kin have now made this difficult” he said, mainly to have the statement linger in the air and refuse to leave like a particularly smelly fart.

Barglar’s hatred of inorganic materials began when, as a young child, a building viciously crushed his father. Whether the murder had really been vicious or merely indifferent as has been debated by most structologians didn’t matter to Barglar. What mattered was his dead father, and countless sociological studies which showed he now had reduced earning potential.

#Barglar #Aliens

Why Am I Being Flipped Off?

Is the person flipping you off missing a pinky, ring finger, index finger and thumb? These people are generally mad at the hand life dealt them – it’s not your fault.

Dealing With Aggressive Drivers

It’s never a pleasant experience when someone cuts you off, attempts to assert their dominance by challenging you to a drag race, or flips you off based purely on the content of your character including the core values, principles and beliefs that make up who you are. To avoid having this happen, we turn to prevention and response.

Preventing Aggression:

Frequently, aggressive drivers are people too. People react poorly to having rotten fruit thrown at them. Keep this in mind before playfully throwing rotten foods at them – remember that what’s generally acceptable behavior between friends may not be considered socially acceptable.

Responding to Aggression:

Aggressive drivers generally engage in this terrible behavior because they feel comfortable and powerful when encased in two tons of metal. To challenge this perceived feeling of safety lightly brush up against the side of their vehicle, seize your spare molotov cocktail and teasingly light a match with the opposing hand.

Have a self-imposed timeout – all the positives of a timeout (isolation, getting a break from the responsibility of life etc.) without the embarrassment of someone else forcing you to do it.

Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and count to 5. Note: If you experience god during this time, it’s because you’re dead.

Text a friend for moral support. If god, see above.

A Story About Winter

As Earth’s orbit distanced the Northern Hemisphere from the warmth of the sun, a young boy in Qatar recently introduced to the concept of winter asked his father to explain it to him. The boy’s father, never having experienced winter himself, and being a bad describer of things, turned to the Internet for assistance. There he found this description:

Winter – Mostly cold. Also, occasionally, snow. Everyone’s had the experience of accidentally stumbling into a major cocaine distribution center and seeing mountains of white powder. Now (or whenever your ready, I know that memory can be traumatic) imagine that but the white powder is in fact flakes of frozen water.

The inquisitive son’s father relayed this definition to his son. The boy was rather confused, as he had not yet had the experience of happening upon a cocaine distribution center. To this his father laughed knowingly, “All in good time my son” and began making plans for his son to meet up with a murderous drug lord.

The End.

#winter #distribution center

Cookie Monster Has A Shocking Revelation

As the Cookie Monster looked at his cookies, a morose look took hold of his face. He yearned to demolish the assorted delicatessens set before him, but something held him back. A priest had visited him in his lair earlier in the day and had delivered a message that had utterly obliterated his world: “Cookies are sentient, conscious beings”. The mere implications of the priest’s message had caused him to black out.

He returned to consciousness to find the priest gone, leaving him alone with his thoughts. His entire life he had assumed his voracious appetite and frightening appearance were the reasons he had been labeled a monster, but that was no longer clear.

The Cookie Monster had consumed tens of thousands of cookies in his time, keeping a careful ledger of everything to enter his system. He turned to that ledger now, opening to the latest entry. 4 Oreos, 2 Ginger Snaps and 3 Vanilla Wafers. Did those Oreos have families? What hopes and dreams had been lost to the abyss in that day alone? A single tear fell from the Cookie Monster’s eye, landing on the open page and smudging the ink.

#cookie monster #sentient

Of all the bored white people to start a blog.... me?

What makes a good blog and who makes a good blogger? Generally speaking: a talented artist, a person who can write coherently and insightfully on a popular subject, or someone who has a hyper-specialized area of expertise writing to serve a niche community, or someone who naively leaves their cellphone unattended on a beach only to have it stolen, only to continue to receive data from said stolen phone, only to post said data on a blog.

I can do none of this. So why should my voice be heard when there are so many better sounding voices out there (I'm looking at you Morgan Freeman). Why should my page receive views when in a billionth of a second on Google you can find stunning views of Niagara Falls. Why speak on a forum where my one good trait - stunning good looks - does not translate well.

But there's another aspect of good blogging: being relatable, and thats where I come in, briefly, before mentioning my privileged background and being forced to leave. There is an underserved niche market out there, an untapped middle ground of people who want their minds stimulated but not strained, who want to chuckle rather than laugh full throatedly.

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