la poésie

dylan. 23. genderqueer. they/them.

[liminalhorror-deactivated201812]

Donald Hall, The Art of Poetry No. 43, interviewed by Peter A. Stitt.

[dylanrae]

I followed the pieces of your heart, and I wonder if I had followed them in the opposite direction where I would have arrived, and would it have been better if I had carried on running, running, past you. I move around a lot now, in search of an answer to a question that is impossible to answer. I look for your shadows in the light, but I don't know the what I am hoping to find, instead I am running, running, in all directions, running, running searching for an absolution in the grief stained lines, on the sole of my feet. Instead I am running, running, trying to find direction.

Untiled #3 - Dylan Rae

[dylanrae]

Music that helps me write: It’s Ok, You’re Ok by Bonjr

[guiltygirl]

dating me is 50% memes and terrible humor, 20% me being sarcastic and distant, and 30% me pathetically confessing how much i admire and love u

[dylanrae]

When I close my eyes, I envision swathes of frothing white ocean, embracing every shred and every fragmentary disposition, washing over, drowning and settling into (tar stained) lungs, choking and spluttering after emergence. When I close my eyes I visualise a baptism, bare and raw clinging, purification, justification, walking into tempestuous marine tumult, and rising nude above the cold sea waves, skin pricks and hair stands alert, nascent future swoons above the horizon. When I close my eyes, I follow the bumps of skin along the curvature of my frame, clumsy hands grasping at the neck,  it’s tightened sinews bulging, heart beating, palpitations, blood pumping, roaring and crashing ringing in ears, the vast sound of silence rumbling and waking visionless dreams.

Le Pardon - Dylan Rae

[dylanrae]

Christmas Looks 2016

[fuckyeahbeatniks-blog]

A woman from the audience asks: ‘Why were there so few women among the Beat writers?’ and [Gregory] Corso, suddenly utterly serious, leans forward and says: “There were women, they were there, I knew them, their families put them in institutions, they were given electric shock. In the ‘50s if you were male you could be a rebel, but if you were female your families had you locked up.

Stephen Scobie, on the Naropa Institute’s 1994 tribute to Allen Ginsberg

[dylanrae]

December

Its 9pm. And I’m laughing jovially and giggling to myself. Housemate walks in. I’m giggling at something on Facebook, “bra humbug”. A Christmas pun. Lol. I keep giggling. I haven’t felt this happy in a long time. Strange. I push him out of my thoughts and think of the other him. I just want to a drink. Love Actually plays in the background and I try not to throw my phone at the TV screen in rage. We play a card game. I can’t remember its name. It’s like UNO. Idk. Who gives a fuck, it’s fun. That’s what matters. I win a round. Victorious. My competitive steak runs mean.

It’s 12am. I make a cheese toastie, smother it red onion and let the grease slide down my throat. “Heaven is a Place on Earth” plays in my head. Over and over again. My housemate is nattering away to me. I just want to wallow now. I watch my favourite film. I feel happy. I feel sad. I’m falling asleep on the sofa. And then I start thinking about him.

2am. It’s bed time. I think. Manic episode is finished. I feel empty. I smoke 5 cigarettes in a row. I can feel my lungs growing heavier. I want the smoke to choke me. Then I panic. I want to be alive. I think. He crosses my mind and I fucking want to scream. I put on Belinda Carlisle. It makes me happy and then I remember it’s about love. I gag. I think about the vodka in the kitchen. I decide against it. I decide to write this instead. Maybe it’s time for bed. 3 hours have passed after all and it’s now 5am. I turn the lights of and lay in bed, a thin layer of sweat clings to me and my thoughts race and I can’t sleep. The sun is beginning to rise outside and I can feel the sun piercing through the curtains as I clench my eyes close. And so I lie awake until a can be washed away into sleep.

[dylanrae]

Sunrise, oil paints?

i didn’t get the notifcation for this, sorry for the late reply! :(

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. 

from the song digital by joy division but “day in day out” it reminds me of mental health struggles and that i can persevere to try and get myself to a better day and and that every day is a new day  oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

ooh this is a difficult one!!!  probably “tomber dans les pommes” - means literally to fall into the apples and is a french idiom for fainting. i’ve always loved the sound of it and it has cute little memories behind it.

[dylanrae]

16th Decemeber 2016

I crave the touch of another human’s skin, our bodies entwined and our palms clasped together in sweat. I long to feel passion in my stomach that I can’t shake off and for the love of another human to warm my senses. But I can’t. I won’t allow myself because I am tainted by the ghost of another. Instead I pass the time drinking tea and making lists of all the things I am meant to be doing. I fill the silences with music and the icy pit in my stomach with red wine kisses.

[dylanrae]

December 2016  - Norwich

I went for a walk yesterday and I came across this free library outside of someone’s house and I thought it was the cutest thing I’d seen and it really made my day.

[dylanrae]

Mother Mary’s face has burnt, sweet rose scent mingles, her prayers lay unanswered, upon the candle lit scorches. Angel’s wings can bear no more, the place amongst the cluttered hearth, Virgin Mary seeks protection, downcast eyes plea for clemency. Mary, Mary, burnt by the sun, charred by ensnaring veil. Mary, Mary, wiping tears, desires consuming, desires are one, Amen she pleas. Amen she pleads.

clémence

Dylan Rae

(via dylanrae)

[wnq-writers]

Writing is a way of surviving.

Cornelis Rage 

[soulsighs]

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

fin.

[dylanrae]

pls send any my way! am v bored rn xxx

[dylanrae]

1. When I told you I was not a woman 2. Our limbs wrapped around one another, we were perfectly tangled. 3. When you said you saw me as a woman 4. The saline taste of your skin after we made love 5. You once told me I had no respect for myself 6. When you left me in Hoxton Square, a crumpled sobbing mound 7. The first time you told me you loved me, my heart rose above the clouds 8. Violent lines lead to ruinous loving/violent love? 9. Paris was the only blissful weekend we have known. 10. You told me I was straight and I said nothing 11. I wept a lake full of tears in two years. Your provocations still sting 12. That I am a bitch and a liar 13. Reconciling after an arduous fight was the sweetest ecstasy I have ever felt 14. The pealing sounds of our laughter after we shared an inside joke 15. You are the liar, the fabricator, the deceiver 16. I still loved you even though you made me cry 17. In the shimmering heat of Marrakech, we were close, yet so far 18. When we drank we got angry and you smashed the wardrobe door 19. I threatened to kill myself. Every hurt you caused made we want to die 20. We told each other everything, every clandestine tale 21. I needed you to stop being a boy 22. Sometimes we built forts from wall hangings, safeguarded from the external world 23. Every scream and shout and threat you propelled my way 24. How our bodies slid into one compact being 25. We were not harmonising 26. The smell of your skin as I nestled and buried and gorged on your scent 27. I ended up staying 28. You were a dream I wrote onto myself 29. I ran and I ran and I ran back to you, time and time again 30. That in the end, you made me feel lonelier

I remember... - Dylan Rae

[dylanrae]

I awoke one morning you had departed and I got on the train as I travelled towards you the further I felt from you. we left on lingering kisses and a stolen moment and as I left sheltered by flat pastures and graffiti lined tracks my heart surged to the cacophony of city pigeons. and later that month I no longer felt your absence and under flashing lights and a smoky veil I kissed a girl and her hair was soft and lips gentle as we caressed to the pounding sounds of the club. she enveloped me. I felt safe I felt warm. But you won’t let me go, you never let me go. And later on I kissed a boy and as we lay naked pressed against one another I listened to my guttural cries and I overcome with joy. But you won’t let me go you are clasped firmly in my heart. but I am letting go I need to let go but I can’t let go.

laissir partir - Dylan Rae

[sorrowmaven]

There is so much stubborn hope in the human heart.

Albert Camus, from “Absurd Creation,” The Myth of Sisyphus. (Alfred A. Knopf,1995)