SEND 🗝 TO FORCE MY MUSE TO TALK ABOUT A TOPIC THEY NEVER WANT TO SPEAK OF
Tears pricked her brown hues, looking everywhere except directly at Eric or the small, clear baggie he was holding in his hand; her gaze dropped away from him as soon as he showed the white powdery substance to her, no doubt having found it in the drawer of the nightstand next to their bed - she had completely forgotten it was still there. It has been twelve years after all.
He asked her what it was, she didn’t answer him. Did she really need to? Eric wasn’t stupid. And still he asked. Seeing the substance again, a phantom sensation prickled her inner forearms - the tiny track marks, almost invisible to the naked eye, began to itch and burn. Fingers twitched and she raised a hand to scratch at the marks, only to drop it again as she reminded herself that it was just all in her head.
He spoke with softness in his voice, he didn’t seem angry with her as she genuinely did expect - but just because he didn’t sound like it, didn’t mean he didn’t feel it. She avoided eye contact with him, both out of shame as well as she didn’t want to see the look of utter disappointment she suspected he had on his face. A part of her argued that she was being ridiculous - this was Eric, he wouldn’t judge her. He hasn’t yet, but that was the key word - yet.
Her history with drug addiction wasn’t anything new to him, she had been truthful about it. But whether she neglected to or actually did forget to tell him about the eight ball, the fact remained that she hadn’t told him everything like she promised she would.
“I’m not using again, if that’s what you’re thinking...” Even if she had remembered the contents, when would she ever have the time or opportunity to relapse? When she was alone in the house, she buried herself in work and when Eric was home she spent all of her time with him and the boys. Kind of funny how she was too busy to get high, when it used to be that she was too high to properly function.
“I’m completely clean and I have been for twelve years...I-I forgot that was even here...” He asked her why she even had it in the first place, the tears she had been holding back sprang from her eyes. “I don’t know!” But that wasn’t true. The eight ball of cocaine, her former drug of choice, had been kept solely as a reminder of what her addiction had cost her and that relapsing wasn’t worth losing everything she loved and held dear to her. It used to be a pain number and stress reliever - well, now she had other rather unhealthy habits to cope with that (with coffee being her go to substance). But instead of explaining that to him, she instead told him, “I don’t have an excuse that’s good enough! I just...After I got out of rehab, I just found it when I was cleaning out my old apartment when I was living with Joles...” the name left an awful taste in her mouth.
“I thought the police seized everything when they arrested him...the place was sealed off for the entire year I was in rehab and they only let me back in to get my stuff so I could move in with my aunt and uncle until I was back on my feet...They took the drugs he had stashed and left everything else as it was - they didn’t even clean up my bloodstains...” she hesitated - should she explain? She decided not to, it wouldn’t be hard for him to guess what she meant anyway. “I was packing up things in the bedroom when I found that...It was underneath a floorboard - I didn’t even know it was there...That was the only thing left...Fuck, I know I shouldn’t turned it into the police or I should have flushed the damn thing but...but I took it...And I hid it...The stupidest thing I’ve ever done, I know, but...” It was done regardless.
She finally brought her eyes to meet his, her features hardened with heavy shame and guilt. The itching in her forearms grew worse as she spoke, Kimberly unconsciously giving in and scratching hard - her skin tainted with red blotches and thin lines, almost breaking from the force and sharpness of her nails. She was also trembling.
“Eric, I swear to you, I never planned on using it! I’m fine, I’m completely fine,” it was her favorite lie, and yet right now she truly meant it. “I’m not lying...Please, please believe me...”