SEND đ TO FORCE MY MUSE TO TALK ABOUT A TOPIC THEY NEVER WANT TO SPEAK OF
Tears pricked her brown hues, looking everywhere except directly at Eric or the small, clear baggie he was holding in his hand; her gaze dropped away from him as soon as he showed the white powdery substance to her, no doubt having found it in the drawer of the nightstand next to their bed - she had completely forgotten it was still there. It has been twelve years after all.
He asked her what it was, she didnât answer him. Did she really need to? Eric wasnât stupid. And still he asked. Seeing the substance again, a phantom sensation prickled her inner forearms - the tiny track marks, almost invisible to the naked eye, began to itch and burn. Fingers twitched and she raised a hand to scratch at the marks, only to drop it again as she reminded herself that it was just all in her head.Â
He spoke with softness in his voice, he didnât seem angry with her as she genuinely did expect - but just because he didnât sound like it, didnât mean he didnât feel it. She avoided eye contact with him, both out of shame as well as she didnât want to see the look of utter disappointment she suspected he had on his face. A part of her argued that she was being ridiculous - this was Eric, he wouldnât judge her. He hasnât yet, but that was the key word - yet.
Her history with drug addiction wasnât anything new to him, she had been truthful about it. But whether she neglected to or actually did forget to tell him about the eight ball, the fact remained that she hadnât told him everything like she promised she would.Â
âIâm not using again, if thatâs what youâre thinking...â Even if she had remembered the contents, when would she ever have the time or opportunity to relapse? When she was alone in the house, she buried herself in work and when Eric was home she spent all of her time with him and the boys. Kind of funny how she was too busy to get high, when it used to be that she was too high to properly function.Â
âIâm completely clean and I have been for twelve years...I-I forgot that was even here...â He asked her why she even had it in the first place, the tears she had been holding back sprang from her eyes. âI donât know!â But that wasnât true. The eight ball of cocaine, her former drug of choice, had been kept solely as a reminder of what her addiction had cost her and that relapsing wasnât worth losing everything she loved and held dear to her. It used to be a pain number and stress reliever - well, now she had other rather unhealthy habits to cope with that (with coffee being her go to substance). But instead of explaining that to him, she instead told him, âI donât have an excuse thatâs good enough! I just...After I got out of rehab, I just found it when I was cleaning out my old apartment when I was living with Joles...â the name left an awful taste in her mouth.Â
âI thought the police seized everything when they arrested him...the place was sealed off for the entire year I was in rehab and they only let me back in to get my stuff so I could move in with my aunt and uncle until I was back on my feet...They took the drugs he had stashed and left everything else as it was - they didnât even clean up my bloodstains...â she hesitated - should she explain? She decided not to, it wouldnât be hard for him to guess what she meant anyway. âI was packing up things in the bedroom when I found that...It was underneath a floorboard - I didnât even know it was there...That was the only thing left...Fuck, I know I shouldnât turned it into the police or I should have flushed the damn thing but...but I took it...And I hid it...The stupidest thing Iâve ever done, I know, but...â It was done regardless.
She finally brought her eyes to meet his, her features hardened with heavy shame and guilt. The itching in her forearms grew worse as she spoke, Kimberly unconsciously giving in and scratching hard - her skin tainted with red blotches and thin lines, almost breaking from the force and sharpness of her nails. She was also trembling.Â
âEric, I swear to you, I never planned on using it! Iâm fine, Iâm completely fine,â it was her favorite lie, and yet right now she truly meant it. âIâm not lying...Please, please believe me...â
