AIN'T IT FUN?

god forbid i'm seen as just an AVERAGE human being — i'm the MAIN CHARACTER, & you have to LIKE ME!

[earfeared]

AIN'T IT GOOD TO BE ON YOUR OWN? AIN'T IT FUN — YOU CAN'T COUNT ON NO ONE.

an independent & selective rp blog for jax from glitch productions' the amazing digital circus. canon-compliant, but largely informed by headcanons to fill in the blanks. bullied by bear ( 27 / she/him / est. ) please be 18+ to interact, for my own comfort.

will contain some difficult, potentially triggering content. a study in: the freedom of nihilism, when class clowns grow up, online unreality, heels never crying.

pinned graphic credit to: myself. all icons credit to: the lovely @pomniegranate.

DON'T GO CRYING TO YOUR MAMA — 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL ALONE, IN THE REAL WORLD.

[jaxadaisical]

⸺ ❝ Ya ever just hear an answer and just know they're a virgin. Call it intuition. ❞

[earfeared]

❝ takes one to know one, after all. ❞

[kaufm0]

🎈   “  Red40,   my   a$!,   There's   NO   way   there's   that   many   reds.  ”

[earfeared]

❝ oh i dunno, kaufy, pretty sure i can name a red forty right now. ❞

he leans in, with a $#!t-eating grin on his face. that's an awfully specific way to phrase it—

❝ red for-deez nuts. ❞

[justanimaniac]

What's your archetype, then?

The Villain?

[pomniegranate]

@earfeared said: ❝ maybe it'd make a funny noise, bouncin' off your head. ❞ he knows. he's not going to tell her.

⸺ ❝ That doesn't sound like it'd be funny. There's like - plenty of other things here to make goofy noises. I don't think laying pipe on me would be one, thanks. ❞

[earfeared]

❝ aw, c'mon. i'd be sure not to lay the pipe on ya too hard. i know it can leave people pretty sore afterwards, but i can be gentle — honest! ❞

very mature. his inner twelve-year-old boy is cackling.

[earfeared]

'like him', huh?

right — because that would be the worst thing in the world. it's good to have confirmation where her opinions lie.

[woept]

❛ great, now i'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day. ❜ says @earfeared ,

*         .                  ❛      w   -   would   that   be   such   a   bad   thing   ?      ❜         he’s   going   to   break   her   mask.   or   be   mean.   she   knows,   gangle   knows,   but   it   doesn’t   stop   the   flow   of   her   question,   even   though   her   voice   trembles.         ❛      i   just   mean      .   .   .      i   don't know.   don’t   you   ever      .   .   .      think   about   the   serious   things   ?   it   can’t   always   be   a   joke,   right   ?      ❜

[earfeared]

❝ says who? ❞

no moves to torment her — overtly — just yet. but jax does tower over gangle in all his lanky glory, chest puffed & arms folded dismissively over it as he inclines his head her way. ❝ just 'cause you're down in the dumps all the time— ❞ he emphasizes by pressing a finger to the forehead of her weepy mask, ❝ doesn't mean we all have to be. i mean... ❞

jax steps back, broadly gesturing to the bright primary colours & goofy patterns of the circus around them. ❝ you're really gonna call any of this serious? ❞ getting emotional over kiddie entertainment — how sensitive. how embarrassing. how very gangle. jax wouldn't be caught dead with any serious feelings, around here.

[pomniegranate]

Something funny happened in her chest; an odd fluttering close to a butterfly's wings lapped inside the moment her closed gaze felt the sensation of hands leave the station of her shoulders and traveled down meeting at her waist. She couldn't say that the insecurity building inside her stomach hadn't finally eased up when she thought she'd be rejected once more for trying to reach something close to resembling an "unobtainable" goal. With enough persistence, dedication and heart⸺anything was possible, to her.

Their energies matched the moment; caught in the whirlwind of pent up emotions and fought back cravings, and allowing themselves to indulge in a delicacy not completely commonplace. She was surprised by his magnetic pull to get closer, to have more of her and Pomni was more than happy to be the positive charge that kept their bodies close. Her hands were desperate in the way they clung to his face, her mouth dancing with the need to match his own even if she didn't have much of a clue of what she was doing.

But she felt weightless, breathless; like this moment was nothing but a dream and the moment she opened her eyes, it'd fall like sand between her fingers. And when he left her bruised lips, she still couldn't find it within herself to allow light to reach the darkness behind her lids. It heightened every sensation; feeling his warm breath in her neck, his low voice nearly inside her ear.

Her chest heaved, shaky in trying to collect her breath, the example of nearly taking her breath away was prevalent from how close he was to her.

⸺ ❝ Heh, there's .. a lot wrong with me. If you even knew the start to it .. I wouldn't think you'd take a chance on me either. I wouldn't. Maybe I'm just crazy .. or maybe because I saw you - and it was like I was looking at myself. You've got a dark side, but I guess you're not the only one. So .. why don't we just both try fighting what we're running from? ❞ It probably sounded cliche as all hell, but it was how she felt. She was incredibly cringey with her affection and honesty. But at least she was being real with him; she just wanted him to get to feeling that same consensus with her. Like at the thought of being close and holding her within his reach wouldn't taint her or cause her to break apart because of it.

Her hands were still awkwardly at his cheeks, so with her eyes still sealed, her hands moved gently down to his jaw and her head turned lightly, kissing alongside his cheek with ghost affections; ones she kept putting her heart into. Pomni didn't want him to keep transversing this lonely road alone. There was nothing he could do to make her hate him; so she'd continue to try and try, until he finally lets her in. Even if she was a fool in the end for it.

[earfeared]

it was cliché. it was cringey. it was right out of some kind of rom-com, the 'good girl' letting her freak flag fly for the 'bad boy' dirtbag because that was how she really felt — what she really, sincerely wanted. real. sincere. all the things jax didn't want to be, because with them came vulnerability. consequences. pain. better to just be a cartoon bully, an archetypal trickster, removing all his problems with a smarmy grin & a well-placed quip.

none of that would work on pomni, clearly. she seemed intent on grabbing him by his stupid overall straps, & shaking some sense into him for as long as she had to, stubbornly, until the real him fell out. ( assuming the 'real him' was still in there, somewhere, to begin with. )

jax couldn't even try to deflect, at this point. speechless, crouched down, his face in pomni's hands & his body betraying him, with how needily it gravitated to what he hadn't been allowing himself. even if he tried to say something, he would be interrupted by the warm, blooming little presses of her lips on his cheek. they hurt. more than the big climactic kiss, those casual little affections felt like she was reaching inside him & squeezing something soft & long disused back to life. pomni would be able to feel it — his face scrunching in response, reluctantly.

it was unlike him, how long he went without saying anything. just listening.

eventually, jax straightened back up. not pushing pomni away, but decisively breaking such intimate contact, his hands briefly brushing over her arms before settling at his own sides. deep breath, as he finally opened his eyes again, still unable to meet hers. ❝ ... you— should prob'ly worry about yourself first, if you see yourself when you look at me. ❞ with a deep sigh back out, he rubbed at his eyes, head angling up towards the ceiling. ❝ i dunno what to say, pom-pom. i think you are crazy, for the record. thinking it's that easy. but... ❞

but, what? but, maybe it could be that easy. it felt effortless, sharing things with her, having fun with her, bonding with her. the way real people did, not cartoon characters. all jax could do, in the moment, was scoff — half at himself. ❝ we both needed that, i guess. uh. ... thanks. ❞ it was a vague afterthought, tacked on like he couldn't think of anything more to say. ( but... not insincere. )

❝ i'll have to get back to you on... fighting my inner demons, or whatever. right now, we've still got an adventure to get to. don't want the rest of the peanut gallery gettin' any ideas. i'll... i'll see ya. ❞ he wasn't going to offer to accompany pomni to the main stage. he couldn't bear the tension, of making that walk side by side, & he didn't know how to break it. none of this was normal — at least, not his normal. not their fight yesterday, not the way pomni had decided to vent those pent-up emotions today. so, giving her an idle little wave, jax wandered off on his own — almost in a daze.

... & once he was out of sight, he tugged his ears down hard in frustration, restlessly thumping his foot.

what the f&$% was wrong with him?

[kingrammer]

He's   not   so   easily   swayed   by   the   dismissal   .   Young   &&   insecure   the   latter   man   has   a   lot   to   learn   even   more   so   about   their   polygonal   prison   than   he   thinks   he   knows   so   well   .

⸺    ♔. ❝   a   𝖛𝖎𝖗𝖚𝖘   𝖎𝖘   𝖒𝖆𝖑𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖊   ,   it   attaches   itself   to   a   host   &&    it   contaminates   𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆   around   it   until   every   program   ,   every   last   cell   is   unrecognizable   to   the   AI.   𝐀𝐁𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍   .   CAINE   .   Can   only   recognize   what   he   perceives   to   be   human   as   valuable   assets   ,   if   he   mistakes   someone   for   an   NPC   ,   or   if   you've   become   so   lost   that   you   don't   even   recognize   yourself...   well   ❞    

He   holds   Jax   in   strong   ,   assertive   scrutiny   .

❝   There   are   no   NPCs   granted   to   permanent   access   the   player   hub-world   .   The   cellar   was   allocated   for   souls   lost   in   simulation   .   ❞    

A   moment   washes   over   them   ,   perhaps   just   a   modicum   in   their   endless   paradox   but   a   moment   was   all   it   took   .

He   had   entertained   falling   back   into   the   role   Jax   was   more   comfortable   with  ;  the   crazed   nutcase   ,   with   little   to   offer   ,   barely   even   recognizable   as   human   .   He   refrains   because   despite   his   words   ;   he   didn't   want   Jax   to   be   alone   .   He   merely   wants   him   to   awaken   .   Though   that   was   up   to   Jax / @earfeared    ,   he   can   only   be   there   when   he   needs   him.

⸺    ♔. ❝       I   lost   someone   I   loved   here   &&    for   many   years   I   couldn't   help   but   wonder   if   I   was   𝖕𝖔𝖎𝖘𝖔𝖓   .   If   I   had   -   ❞    The   word   crackles   in   static   before   it   pops   into   something   audible   &&   broken   .

 ❝   KILLED   her   by   all my selfish mistakes   .   ❞    He   tilts   his   head   back   .   ❝   I   thought   it   was   pointless   to   go   back   to   how   things   were   before   ,   to   act   as   though   we   COULD   somehow   go   on   after   everything   .   I   still   struggle   with   that   ,   ❞    He   drops   his   gaze   ... 

❝     We   can't   start   to   forget   that   we're   human   &&   we   can't   dehumanize   other   people   ,   to   see   them   as   obstacles   is   to   truly   isolate   ourselves   .   Sometimes   you   just   got   to   take   a   chance   on   someone   else   &&   see   their   humanity   .❞   He   holds   his   gaze   as   though   he   could   see   the   buck's   in   pristine   clarity   even   under   the   barriers   he   had   elevated   around   himself   . ཐིཋྀ ₊ continued .

[earfeared]

most of the time, he'll be one of the first to encourage kinger to keep talking. even if he does so sardonically — it's free entertainment, & jax won't ever pass that up. it's fun, to live in a world of two-dimensional archetypes & scripted dynamics, of adventure without consequence & chaos without meaning — as if he's living in a tv show! & kinger is one of the biggest characters around here. ( besides himself, of course. ) always with something wacky & irreverent to talk about.

now, more than anything, jax wishes he would stop.

his footsteps slow & stop, as kinger solemnly explains abstraction to him— ( as if he doesn't know, as if he's stupid, as if he didn't have to watch it happen to two people he cared about— ) & his ears twitch as he realizes that the old man means him, too. so lost that he doesn't even recognize himself — jax's mind drifts, jaggedly, to the image of his own bunny mask face in a grimy washroom mirror. ( god, you look stupid. ) his hands lower from where he'd so lackadaisically propped them up, clenching into fists at his sides.

killed.

it's like a nail being driven in, making the rabbit's shoulders hitch just slightly. almost imperceptible — unless kinger is looking at him clearly. jax doesn't want to think about it. doesn't want to think that his friends are dead. that he watched them die. he doesn't want to grieve— he doesn't want sad eyes & kind words at some stupid funeral— can he not just laugh it off & move on—?!

❝ & what does that make me, then? ❞ he says over his shoulder, dangerously quiet at first, before rounding on kinger with a hand raised in frustration. ❝ huh? what, am i poison now, 'cause i'm not soft like you? ❞ crossing the distance between them in a few long-legged steps, he jabs an accusing index against kinger's chest.

❝ you think i don't understand what it's like, losing somebody? that i'm some kinda child, who doesn't know what death is? just 'cause i don't get all weepy & tragic about it doesn't make me a— a f&$%ing virus! alright? ❞ he flinches at the censor bonk that, even in this moment, strips the seriousness away from any 'mature' language. ❝ i'm... the one who's living in reality, here. ❞

it's said with a snarl, a double meaning to deride kinger's psychological state — petty, lashing out, & jax knows it. he hates it. ❝ the things that colourful little cartoon characters do on a computer screen don't matter. & if you think that i— i'm less than human, for thinking like that? that doesn't matter to me, either. ❞

( there's the faintest quiver in his voice. as if he's trying to convince himself as much as kinger. )

[earfeared]

❛      that was a joke, right ?      ❜

the romance of banter. / accepting.

❝ sure it was! ❞

not a particularly nice one — he'd made some offhand comment about tossing gangle to the sharks, if things got dicey in today's nautical-themed adventure. that's their dynamic, after all. jax always poking & pushing & tormenting the saddest member of the circus, not because he has anything against her in particular, but because she so effortlessly plays along. he can always count on her to give him a good reaction, a nice startled shriek or some whimpering tears.

❝ just like i always make, gangy. i'm a jokester! i like to laugh. ❞ at other people's expense, most of the time. as long as he's laughing, it doesn't much matter if they're crying. ❝ why— was it not funny to you? ❞

it almost — almost — seems like a genuine question. as if he wants to make sure that both halves of their little comedy routine are equal participants. ... not, of course, that he gives her any room to possibly say 'no'. ❝ how about this one? ❞ & with only that split second's warning, jax sticks his foot out across her ribbon stubs, to mercilessly trip her up as they walk along the deck of the ship.

classic.

❝ y'know, you really oughta keep a better eye out. if you can't even see that coming, you'll be dead in the water if any sharks show up! ❞

[earfeared]

// alright!! couldn't focus on writing for a minute there, but now the stars of my time, energy, & motivation have finally kind of aligned once again. i want a fresh start, & i also feel like i don't have enough threads with you lovely folks in general, so — consider this a starter/inbox/plotting/whatever call! mutuals only, either ♡ for something short & random or let me know whether you want to plot out something more in-depth. dms are open! mwah!!

[twocubes]

she knocked that smug look off my face but luckily i was wearing a second, smaller smug look underneath

[earfeared]

“ it haunts you . The choices you make && even the ones you don’t . I guess I just don’t want you to end up like…” me . “ that .”

kinger's remark, unprompted & unasked for, arrests jax in his tracks — gloved fingers twitching & tightening at his side. it's always a gamble, what the old man might ramble on about at any given time, & sometimes jax loses the roll of the dice & has to hear some actual insight. he likes kinger better when he's funny — in a helpless, pitiful sort of way.

anyone can get on jax's case about the choices he does make. that much is easy — he makes them that way deliberately, to be a heel. but the choices he doesn't make? those should be known to no one but himself, & his first instinct is to bluntly tell kinger to shut up.

but he's the one who gets under other people's skins — not the other way around. so he takes a deep breath, turns around, & pats the air with both hands. patronizingly.

❝ whoa— settle down there, gramps. i don't think you're in any position to be talkin' about anybody else's mental state, alright? ❞ scoff it off, laugh it off, as always. jax tries to make himself believe that he doesn't actually care what kinger has to say — he's only an old headcase, after all. any concern, any disappointment, it could all be forgotten within hours, minutes even. so why should it matter?

❝ besides, i'm not gonna 'end up like' anything. i'm never gonna change! ❞ the simple statement is many things at once. a taunt, an affirmation, a resignation, as jax turns back around & idly folds his hands behind his head. trying just a little too hard to look carefree. ❝ not for anyone, or anything. you idiots are stuck with me. ❞

[slavisma]

it’s not a trauma response if it’s fun

[chips1977]

oh so now im the bad guy just because im a piece of shit¿

[pomniegranate]

💭

𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐌𝐄 💭 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝚨 𝐓𝚮𝐎𝐔𝐆𝚮𝐓 𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝚮𝚨𝐒 𝚮𝚨𝐃 𝚨𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒.

I never thought he'd be my type. Then again, I've never really been someone that liked somebody just from how they looked either. I don't know - it's always been vibes with me; kind of hard to catch my eye unless we connect somewhere past surface level. And surprisingly, we did. I felt it, the familiar crush feeling but... I didn't feel overly out of whack about it, you know? Like a clown about it. He didn't make it seem like I had to prove something to him. And I never realized just how big his eyes get either. Could get lost in them, if I'm not careful. Wish he'd stop being so afraid.

[bullybunny-moved]

...Be a man. That makes him laugh something fierce. They had the gayest little walking cycles in this damn circus, and he's talking about being a 'man'? Get real.

ꕥ✧∘* "We're giant purple rabbit furries with overall straps that barely cover the nonexistent nipples that we have." He snorts. "Be a man? We're cartoons, you freak of nature. And guess what? I'm the cutest cartoon here."

[earfeared]

freak of nature?

he's no stranger to self-loathing, but that couldn't have prepared him for how much he wants to kill this guy.

❝ ... eesh. is that what i sound like to everybody else? i'm still not seeing how being a diva makes you better than the rest of us — if you're really that desperate to be 'not like the other jaxes', how 'bout you go & put that maid dress on again? that way, me & my freaky little overall straps won't have to be associated with you. ❞